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Dear "zun" (son):
I've finally found the "perfekt" (perfect) job for you. I know you've been very "flaysik" (diligent) in checking the newspapers and consulting with headhunters for over a "yor" (year).
Perhaps you missed the following headlines:
. HAVE MORE FUN IN BED...AND EARN $10 AN HOUR
. SNORERS WANTED; SLEEPY'S SEEKS SNOOZE DIRECTOR
. WANTED: SOMEONE TO SLEEP ON THE JOB (Newsday, 6/15/11)
. TO SNORE OR NOT TO SNORE (Note: The Yiddish word meaning "to snore" is "khropen.")
This is not a "zumer" (summer) job, "zun."
It's a "shtendik" (permanent) job with
Sleepy's, "der matrats" (the mattress) people. They've got stores in 13 states,
and they're kicking off a search for ONE "Snooze Director."
HURRY!!! 100 people have already applied.
What are the requirements?
1. The ability to fall asleep on a Sleepy's "matrats" during "toglikht" (daylight) hours. YOU QUALIFY!
2. Knowledge of the social media. YOU QUALIFY! (You have 3,000 Facebook Friends.)
3. Ability to blog and tweet about the company's different mattresses. (They carry Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Stearns and Foster, Tempur-Pedic, and other famous brands.)
4. Sleepy's is "bdzhet frayndlekh" (budget friendly). So are YOU! You've always managed to pay for a Costco member- ship by eating FREE samples.
5. Sleepy's will be impressed with your experience. You've slept on loft beds, platform beds, bunk beds, futons, Murphy beds, water beds, and tanning beds.
Remember when your zipper dug into the water bed and punctured "der plastik" cover?
6. A sense of humor is important
May I suggest that if you get an interview, do NOT share your famous bed jokes.. Humor is one of the greatest assets
a person can have. You've always been able
to see the funny side of difficult or embarrassing situations. BUT don't tell
this one:
"Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping."
Doctor: "Well, maybe it's your bed."
"Oh, I'm all right at night; it's in the day
I have problems."
If you must tell a "bet" (bed) joke, try this one: At the Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner, President Obama joked. "It wasn't easy coming up with fresh material for this dinner. A few nights ago, I was tossing and turning to figure out exactly what to say. Finally, when I couldn't get back to sleep, I rolled over and asked Brian Williams what he thought."
"Zun, Adam Blank, Sleepy's Chief Operating Officer, said, "Between classes, all-nighters and busy social lives, young adults coming out of college are likely to be on the search for slumber after graduation. That's exactly what we're looking for." Dad says that you should refrain from saying that you're "HAPPY TO HIT THE HAY EVERY DAY."
He also has a few additional tips:
1. Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. One or two is OK, but when your entire body is green and every appendage is pierced, don't expect 'the mattress people" to hire you.
2. Never wear enormous pants like today's
"tsenerlingn" (teenagers) do.
Dave Barry ("Dave Barry Is
Not Making This Up"), wrote, "I keep
seeing young teenage males wearing
enormous pants; pants that two or
three teenagers could occupy simultaneously and still have room in there
for a picnic basket; pants that a clown
would refuse to wear on the grounds
that they were too undignified. The
young men wear these pants really low,
so that the waist is about knee level
and the pants butt drags on the
ground. You could not be an effective
criminal wearing pants like these,
because you'd be unable to flee on foot
with any velocity."
3. "The longer the title, the less important the job." (George McGovern)
4. "For the last fifty years, the only people in America who wore white socks with dark clothes were members of the Teamsters Union from Columbus, Ohio. (Steve Allen)
5. Attend career counseling clinics, especially those titled, "Appealing to a HIRE Authority."
6. If you do NOT get the job as "Snooze
Director," consult the Department of
Labor's Dictionary of Occupational
Titles (DOT). Gene Weingarten, in the
Washington Post Magazine, listed the
following funny job titles:
Asparagus sorter, worm-bed attendant,
human projectile, leak hunter, last
putter-away, retort forker, brassiere-
slide-making machine tender, brain
picker, head chiseler, toe puller,
specimen boss, guillotine operator,
tangled-yarn-spool straightener, and,
of course, Easter Bunny.
"Zun," we love you--employed or unemployed.
Mom & Dad
__________________________________
Marjorie Wolfe's favorite Metropolitan
Diary letter (New York Times) was from Sept. 9, 2002:
Overheard by Susan Teltser-Schwarz on
upper Lexington Avenue, two attractive
late-20-somethings:
She: "How are you?"
He: "Terribly hot, out of a job and living
with my parents. How are you?"
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