"You Can't Mess With Zagat -
Have the 2nd Avenue Deli Cater Your Thanksgiving Dinner"

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York Thanksgiving 2004 has just about arrived.  Some people suggest that it's one of those holidays we ought to get rid of.  It's somewhere between "Shape Up witha Pickle Month" and "Noise Abatement Week."  I disagree.

   My family has sent me their usual less-than-serious greeting card.
The message read:
"On Thanksgiving Remember, It's important that we live life to the fullest!  We can work on "thinnest" some other time.  It was signed by Matt, Teri, Amanda, Scott, Jon, Jori, Shane, Connor, and Daniel.

   I was tempted to splurge and buy a $3.00 card containing "the Terrifically Thriling Trite Thanksgiving Table Manners Guide."
Specifically, it suggests:

• Always eat  "di yoykh" (gravy)  with a fork--it lasts longer.
• Try to burp when your "moyl" (mouth) is filled with stuffing--it muffles the sound.
• Do not put your elbows in "der salat" (the salad).
• Put your elbows in the cranberry sauce.
• Always use the short end of the wishbone for a toothpick.

   Such a purchase is not necessary since my children grew up in a "heym" (home) that stressed the Emily Post/Miss Manners etiquette rules:  "Never eat the first or the last piece of anything in 'der fridzhider' (refrigerator)," 'Remember Family Hold Backs' (a Sam Levenson code word which means 'we're running short of food and company's visiting'), and, finally, "Never ask for a s-l-i-c-e of demitasse."

   Matt will arrive about noon and immediately call the Buterball Turkey Talk-Line in Downers Grove, Illinois--just to chat.  He'll probably ask one of the home economists whether she agrees with David Letterman's Top 10 NYC Thanksgiving Traditions:   #3 Family gathering at table, hold hands, and recite the Miranda warning.    Herbert Hoover swept into the White House with promises of prosperity saying there will be "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage."  Jonathan and Jori, my Scarsdale foodies, will sweep into our "white House" with an assortment of goodies from Zabar's...and a "Jerry Seinfeld" open roast beef sandwich, topped with tomatoes and melted American cheese from the Stage Deli.  They'll carry a copy of "The Food Lover's Book of Lists" which contains a recipe for Turkey Remnant.  This less than "chic" recipe tells us what to do with turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it.
TAKE THE REMNANTS,
OR, IF THEY HAVE BEEN CONSUMED,
TAKE THE VARIOUS PLATES ON WHICH THE TURKEY
OR ITS PARTS HAVE RESTED AND
STEW THEM FOR TWO HOURS IN MILK OF MAGNESIA.
STUFF WITH MOTHBALLS.

   Dan, 36, will fly in from Denver, enter our Norman Rockwell/Ozzie and Harriet-type kitchen and within a matter of minutes begin acting out lines from Woody Allen's film, "The Front":

She:	"I'm from Connecticut."
He:	"Oh, very fancy."
She:	"Yes, I'm from a very proper famly.  The kind of family where the worst thing you could do was talk too loud."
He:	"The worst thing you could do in my family was to buy retail."

   Teri tried out a new recipe this Thanksgiving:
Susie Townsend's "Ex-Husband's Sesame Broccoli Pasta Salad, Significantly Improved."

   One member of "di mshpokhe" (the family)--who shall remain nameless--will ask whether the holiday meal contains no preservatives, no artificial flavor, no sodium, no "tsuker", no caffeine, no artificial color, and no cholesterol.  How about a "no taste" menu?

   Unfortunately, Grandma Gottlieb, who passed away this year,  cannot supply her "geshmak" (tasty) brisket and Uneeda Biscuit stuffing.  We'll miss her opening the oven door every 15 minutes to check the turkey.  Grandpa will yell, "It's a wonder the poor Butterball gets cooked at all."

   We're finally all seated at the dining room table and my husband, Howard, repeats a Leverett Lyon prayer:

   We thank Thee, Lord, for giving us Thy gift of bread and meat.
   We thank Thee too--a little more-- That we are here to eat!
   Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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