Writing for Yiddish Publications

Writing for Yiddish Publications by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York Now that I've sold a "toyznt" copies of my new book titled, "Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish Trivia," people are always asking me for writing tips. Such a "kompliment."
Well, here goes:

Always quote Jewish comedians Ex. Billy Crystal ("700 Sundays") said that Yiddish is "a combination of German and phlegm."

Write about "gelt," money management, "Bad Heir Days" and Mother's Guide to Thrift. Be sure to mention Harry C. Sheer, nationally known financial consultant, who said, "The leading cause of death in S. Florida is exhaustion caused by house guests from the North." Always quote your Mother: "Dahling, if you fnd a 'stanik' (brazziere) that fits, buy 'tsen' (10)."

Have a sense of humor Share this "bobe mayse": A blonde goes into an "elektronik" (electronic) shlak joint. She asks the salesperson, "How much is this 'televisye' (television)?" "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman says. She says to herself, "Such mishegoss!" So she dyes her "hor" (hair) and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this 'televisye'?" she asks. Again the salesman says, I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes." A few weeks later, she goes in wearing a long "royt shaytl" (red wig), but again the salesman announces, "We don't sell to blondes." Finally, she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blonde?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave!"

Write stories about your "mishpocheh" (family). Billy Crystal said, "We all have the same five relatives. They just jump from [photo] album to album."

Gather information from the various search engines. A Google search, for example, for "Brisket jokes" will produce 20,300 hits; a Google search for "Jewish Guilt" has 580,000 websites.

Write about "di muzik" (the music) and "der klezmer" (musician). Joel Siegel ("Lessons For Dylan") wrote..."Alan King, celebrating Carnegie Hall's Centennial, looked around the hall and said, 'Tchaikovsky, Mahler, Koussevitsky, Toscanini, if only these walls could speak...they'd have some accent." He also related an event that took place at Yehdi Menuhin's Carnegie Hall debut. Violinist, Fritz Kreisler, turned to pianist, Artur Rubinstein and asked, "Artur, isn't it hot in here?"

Discuss the "good old days": "cupping" (bankes), the Charlotte russe, "immies" (marbles) folding ironing boards, dumb waiters, telephone Party Lines, the home delivery milkman, S&H Green Stamps, "underwear row" (Grand and Orchard Streets), egg creams, McKinney's shoe store on Tremont Avenue in the Bronx, Keds for $2.50, and Ish Kabible.

NEVER use the Yiddish words "alta kocker," "tuchis af'nh tish," "putzhead," and "Pish Teppel" (Pee Pot).

Discuss Broadway shows. In "Spamalot," we hear the memorable number titled, "You Won't Succeed on Broadway ("if you don't have any Jews".)

Write about the members of the Red Hat ("Royt Hut") Society, those "fuftsik" (50)+ year old women who believe that silliness is the key to "glik" (happiness). BUT, don't pitch products like a "fartekh" (apron) imprinted, "I'm Not Aging - I'm Marinating."

Write about the "kvetching" Jewish mothers:

Sylvia Fine (Renee Taylor), The Nanny
Helen Seinfeld (Liz Sheridan), Seinfeld
Sylvia Buchman (Cynthia Harris), Mad About You

Share the Zagat Survey for 1998:

Ratner's
138 Delancey Street
Despite "surly waiters" and Formica decor, this "cheap" Lower East Side kosher dairy offers a nostalgia trip: cheese blintzes, knishes and "chicken soup that will cure anything short of amputations" make it a NY "cultural institution."

Discuss Jewish "snowbirds" who reside in Florida. Where else would you find big blimps that fly over the beaches advertising the three K's: kreplach, knishes, and knaydlach. Only in Florida could you enjoy a performance of "All My Tattelehs." Only in Florida would you see a sign in a Miami Beach hotel that says: THE OCEAN ISN'T OPEN!

Don't obsess over alternative Yiddish definitions "Plotz" (verb) can mean Fall down dead right now. "Ham and cheese sandwiches? If your grandfather weren't already dead, he'd plotz."

" Plotz"
To sicken after reading too many screen-plays." (Nancy Gibson Nash)

Discuss--in detail--how Jews buy a "heym" (home) We all want our homes to be "heymish" (homey, cozy) and affordable. Jackie Mason ("Prune Danish") does an entire routine about the ways that gentiles and Jews approach purchasing a "heym." Gentiles measure a room carefully; Jews guesstimate with paces. And in "The World According To Me!" Mason asks, "Why does every Jew move into a condominium in Miami Beach...his name is Goldberg, but his condominium is named La Traque de la Mere? Why is every building de la Triomphe de la Vie?"

Proofread

On November 26, 2000, The New York Times printed this correction:
A recipe for juniper-flavored gravlax misstated the amount of kosher salt. It is one-half cup, not four cups.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat lovers

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for? Order the book!

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