DON'T BE A WEISS GUY*
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

*A "weiss guy," according to "The Kreplach Ness Monster," is anybody who would eat good pastrami, corned beef, salami, or roast beef on Wonder Bread with mayonnaise and a sweet pickle.

On Christmas Day, my husband and I took in a movie and ate Chinese food at Dixon Li's Oriental Express in Lake Worth, Florida. The "Four Happiness" dish (shrimp, chicken, beef and roast pork) was "batamt."

My fortune cookie contained the following message:

"MAY YOUR PASTRAMI NEVER HAVE MAYONNAISE ON IT."

On the drive home, we shared our favorite food stories.

• Too Jay's Original Gourmet Deli ran the following ad last year:
  "Get our famous corned beef for not a lot of cabbage. ($9.99)  St. Patrick's Day -
  Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we turn back into a Jewish Deli."


• An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew were condemned to be shot.  Their captors offered them a final "moltsayst" (meal) before their execution.  They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.  "Give me some good French wine and some French bread."  So they brought it to him, he ate it, and they executed him.  Next it was the Italian's turn.  "Give me a big plate of pasta." So they brought it to him, he ate it, and they executed him.  Then came the Jew  "I want a 'groys' bowl of strawberries," he said  "Strawberries? They aren't even in 'sezon' (season)." "Nu," replied the Jew, "so I'll wait."
  
  
• A "shnorer" made a nuisance of himself by calling at the home of a rich merchant every evening, just in time for "mitog" (dinner). The merchant was a kind man, but his patience was growing thin.  Jewish "traditsye" requires that those who have must share with those who have not.

One "ovnt" (evening), when the rich man was entertaining a lady whom he was quite fond of, who should knock on the door but Rev Nuisance himself--the star boarder.

"Look," said the merchant as he peered through the slightly open door, "if you don't mind, I'm entertaining a lady 'fraynd.'"

"I don't mind at all," said the nervy schnorrer.  "I'll eat in the kitchen."

"Then tell me, do you like cold chicken?"

"Oh, I just love cold chicken--I wouldn't have it any other way," said the beggar enthusiastically.

"That's just fine!" snapped the merchant. "Come back tomorrow.  The chicken is piping hot right now!"

_________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe wishes all of her readers a Happy and Healthy New Year. 

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!