TALES FROM "THE VAYTIK ROOM"*
PHYSICIAN, HEAL SOMEBODY ELSE
*Jewish patients call the doctor's waiting room "the vaytik room"
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
The late Sam Levenson (1911-1980) wrote that he wondered how doctors could
ever
make a diagnosis on the basis of the symptoms provided by their patients:
"How do you feel?"
"How should I feel?"
"What hurts you?"
"What doesn't hurt me?"
"When do you feel badly?"
"When don't I feel badly?"
"When did it start?"
"When will it end better?"
(Sam Levenson, "You Don't Have to Be in
Who's Who to Know What's What")
And Mike Adams (NaturalNews.com) says
that "As the drug companies are running
out of REAL diseases to boost their
pharmaceutical sales, they're inventing new,
fictitious diseases in order to scare people
into thinking they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction."
Maybe it's time to bring back that class of
practitioners known as "feldshers," or
quacks. "Feldshers" could be found in Russia.
They never went to "di universitet" (college), never studied anatomy, and never
read books on medicine. They simply familiarized themselves with a number
of nostrums and used them for all sorts of ailments.
Shown below is a list of real and fictitious
diseases. Grab a #2 "blayer" (pencil) and see if you can identify
which is which.
Disease
Refrigerator Door Disease
Disease is characterized by standing in front of the "frizhider" with the
door wide open, staring blankly into a collection of fuzzy jars of grape
jelly, half-eaten margarine tubs with "broyt" (bread) crumbs, and something
that used to resemble fresh "frukht" (fruit)-- but might actually be meatloaf. This
disease strikes only at "nakht" (night), and is accompanied by light sensitivity
that makes the refrig. light seem ten times brighter than normal so that
it pierces closed eyelids like the flashlight of God himself. (Mike
Adams, "Introducing nine new made-up diseases for drug companies to exploit
with mind-altering drugs" (satire).
Fake
Real
(circle one)
Punim-Pincher syndrome
A person who cannot greet a person without pinching
their cheeks.
Fake
Real
Siddur finger
Obscure medical condition Jews get in synagogue during
the Torah reading for a half hour or more.
Fake
Real
Sitzfleisch
Inability to sit for long periods of time.
Fake
Real
Language Obfuscation Disorder
Syndrome (LODS)
Striking mostly doctors, surgeons and oncologist,
LOD causes its victims to speak in uninelligible medi-babble
while imagining their words make perfect sense. (Mike
Adams)
Fake
Real
Starbucks Line Anxiety Syndrome (SLAS)
You've been standing in "di kave" (the coffee) shop for 10 minutes and now
the line snakes out the door. You're "broygez." Many angry thoughts pass
your mind. How long does it take to pour a cup of "kave" anyway?
(sugg. by Danielle Crittenden)
Fake
Real
Dr. Oz Syndrome
The inability to cook "mitog" (dinner), iron, drive Hebrew School carpool,
etc. when Dr. Oz is appearing on the Oprah "televisye" program.
Fake
Real
Misery Poker
Instead of sharing ("teyln zikh mit") misery ("tsores"), people seem to be
using it as a competitive weapon to score points. Couples brandish their
stress ("druk") to negotiate who will make dinner or give the kids a bath.
Fake
Real
Repetitive Pocket Searching Syndome
(RPSS) This frustrating condition is characterized by repeated searching of
one's own pockets following the misplacement of some small item such as car
keys. The victim frantically and repeatedly searches "di keshene" (the
pocket) of the clothes they are wearing hoping that the missing object will
somehow appear after the third or fourth search. In extreme cases of
RPSS, the person will search the pockets of "anderer" (other) peoples' clothing.
(Mike Adams)
Fake
Real
Cinderella Syndrome
Women squeeze into delicate shoes to satisfy an old
desire to display a tiny foot, sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully.
Fake
Real
Blahnik Fatigue Syndrome
The disease sets in when too many TV series rely on glamorous women in expensive
("tayer") shoes to pick up where "Sex and the City" left
off.
Fake
Real
Chinese Fortune Cookie Syndrome
The yiddish words for "the cookie" is "dos kikhl." Fear that your favorite "kikhl" will
read, "May your pastrami never have mayonnaise on it"; "Your best chances
of mating is to take up chess"; "You will buy a talking parrot. It
will testify in court against you."
Fake
Real
Push-present Registry Syndrome
Fear that you will not receive some sort of
tangible bonus after delivering a "beybi" (AKA "baby mama gift"). Ex.
Diamond earrings with the tag line, "She delivered your first born; now give
her twins."
Fake
Real
Wirenia
A "kile" (hernia) caused by carrying too many mobile devices on your "gartl" (belt).
Fake
Real
Metsomania
Tendency to toss and turn sleeplessly after
your favorite "beysbol" team has suffered a painful defeat.
Fake
Real
Haf Torah Tension (HTT)
(AKA "Bima Fright)
When the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is accompanied by
fears of self-embarrassments. (Identified by Carol Cott Gross)
Fake
Real
Nomophobia
Fear of being out of mobile phone contact.
Fake
Real
Baskinrobbinsitus
The sudden pain one gets in the sinuses when one eats "ayzkrem" (ice cream) too
fast. (coined by Paul Dickson)
Fake
Real
Traffic Light Anticipation Disorder
This condition affects both men and women, usually
striking those who drive crappy cars held together
by at least six inches of duct tape. Victims of TLAD are mentally incapable
of grasping the meaning of "royt" (red) traffic lights. They think red lights
indicate the driver should allow their vehicle to slowly creep forward into
the intersection, sort of like a "grin" (green) light, but in slow motion. (Mike
Adams) The writer suggests that these people should lose their "firlitsents" (driver's
license) "teykef"--immediately.
Fake
Real
Hearing Aid Static Syndrome
Problem suffered by many partially deaf persons who wear a hearing
aid.
Doctor: "To stay young, exercise and eat
the right foods."
Patient: "What? I thought you said
accessorize and buy nice shoes.
Fake
Real
Collyers Mansion Syndrome
Fear of throwing things away...which tends
to result in a "shmutsik" house!
Fake
Real
KEY:
The above-mentioned illnesses/disorders have been experienced by all of
us from time to time. Marjorie G. Wolfe
has recently recovered from an ailment
that is so rare, it's only been found in a
Will Shortz crossword puzzle.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
