"VART TSEE A MINIT!
"IKH PISH ZAKH NOKH OYS"*

*Yiddish for "Wait a minute!  I'm still peeing."  (From Michael Wex's new book, "Just Say Nu.")

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

If your "hunt" could talk, what would he/ she say?

1.  "I want a B-A-R-K Mitzvah.  Joan Rivers had one for her dog, Spike!"

     Yes, people all over the country are holding a B-A-R-K Mitzvah when their dog turns 13.  This event itself usually has few, if any, serious religious components and are less coyly known as cat mitzvahs and dog mitzvahs.  In many cases, the 13th birthday ("geboyrn-tog") is figured in dog years, usually said to be a ratio of "zibn" (7) dog years for every human year.

     "Mazel Tov!  Or should we say, "Muzzle- tov!"

2.  "Zay azoy gut un heng oyf dem telefon." (Please hang up the telephone.)

     The late Erma Bombeck was right!  Until the Telephone Crisis is resolved, it is safe to assume there will not be a woman in the White House.  Can you imagine getting a busy signal on the Hot LIne?

3.  "Alpo kost shoyn dray toler a pushke. Dos iz knape eyn tsvontsik in hintish gelt."

     (Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.  That's almost $21 in dog money.)

4.  "They left me 'aleyn' (alone) to see The J.A.P. (Jewish American Princesses of Comedy) Show.  Now all I hear is the story about when Totie Fields was opening for Ray Charles in Vegas.  She asks for the bigger dressing room and they say "We're sorry, Miss Fields, but that's for Ray Charles."  And Totie says, "Oh, like he's gonna know!"

5.  "Gib a kuk" (Give a look) at the lady of the house.  Oy, such a 'kleyd' (dress)! Doo iz nisht Las Vegas - Meh lekhtst zakh nisht deer eintse kikn in pipik." (This isn't Las Vegas - nobody's dying to get a look at your belly button.") (Thanks for such a wonderful translation, Michael Wex!)

6.  "Kumzits."  (Come and sit.)  Another joke?

     A man followed a woman and her dog out of a movie theter.  He stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help noting that your dog was really into the movie.  He cried at the right spots and fidgeted in his seat at the boring parts.  Most of all, I heard 'gelekhter' (laughter) like crazy at the funny parts.  Did you find that unusual?"

     "Yes," she replied, "because he hated the book!"

7.  "We're off to the vet.  I'm 'bazorgt' (worried)!  Men ken faricht ein hundert fufsik hint yeder tsen minutn."

    (A hundred and fifty dogs are being  fixed every ten minutes.)

8.  "Michael Vick!  "Gebn im?  A make vel ikh im gebn!"  (Give it to him?  A plague I'll give him!)

9.  "Vos tut zikh?" (What's going on?) Leona Helmsley left $12 'milyon' to her dog, Trouble?  Why in dog dollars that's $84 'milyon!'"

10. "Mark Cuban has a dog named  'Meshugana!'  And me they call 'Sir  Gas-a-lot"!

11. "Holiday?  Take Your Dog to Work Day?  "Tshepe zikh nit tsu mir."  (Don't annoy  me.)

12. "Enough with the dog obedience  commands in Yiddish!  "Kum"--come;  "zitz"--sit; "Let's hear "Gut!"  (Good!)

13. "Vos zogt ir?"  (What are you saying?)  I'm a 'designer dog'?  A 'puggle'?  Oi!  vai is mir!"

14. "Reform Russells, Conservative Chow  Chows and Orthodox English Bulldogs--  they're all receiving Hanukkah doggie  treats from KosherPets.com.  And what  do Reconstructionist Jewish mutts get  for the holidays?"

15. "Show a Jewish dog a cookie...They just  don't eat the cookie.  They devour it.  They discuss it.  They research it.  They  become detectives like those on CSI.  They become preoccupied with it for  hours.  Which is the best one, and how  to find it, and how much it costs.  You  watch a Jewish dog selecting a cookie   in a bakery, it's like a family that's  choosing a 'kale' (bride).  Oreo's is  kosher!  Nu, so I sound like Jackie   Mason!"

16. "Vos iz a doggie bag?"

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!