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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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Christian Lander created a comedy blog with the assistance of his high school "fraynt"/"chaver" (friend, masculine), Myles Valentin. It's a satirical look at the interests of "vays" (white) people and has had over 20 million hits since the end of March 2008.
The blog, stuffwhitepeoplelike.com, is about the affluent, well-educated, environmentally conscious, anti-corporate, left-wing and/or hipster. A book by the same name was written by Lander and released on 7/1/08. On August 4, the book made it to The New York Times nonfiction paperback list at No. 17.
Lander was asked who qualifies as "white people" for the site. Upper Middle- Class minorities? Jews? He replied, "Well, putting a label on it takes away some of the fun, but it's not hard to figure out who qualifies as "white people" Jews definitely qualify. I have a Community Hebrew Academy of Toronto shirt on in this picture, and a lot of people debated whether or not I was Jewish because of the shirt. But I'm not. I got it at a thrift store, of course. I guess that when people found out my name was Christian...probably not so Jewish."
Lander is from Toronto and says that everyone in Toronto is obsessed with New York. He now lives in L.A...and white people like to complain about Los Angeles. Every person here from New York takes about 30 seconds to tell you they are from New York.
What topics does Lander address? Yoga, Tea, Gay Friends, Bakeries, Natural Medicine, Cheese and Therapy. The list seems endless. Shown below are some of Lander's categories and the writer's comments:
No. 1 Coffee
White people love coffee ("kave") and will
call it anything but coffee: "rocket fuel,"
"java," "Joe," "black gold," etc. White people love Starbucks.
Note: "The Little Hiptionary" by Ruth Cullen, gives an example of ordering coffee at Starbucks: "Excuse me, barista? I ordered a venti skinny whipless half-caf double chocolate chip creme frappuccino with a shot of vanilla, but may I have a tall caramel espresso macchiato instead? Grazie."
And white people should know that "four-bucks" is a noun (slang name) for the retail coffee giant Starbucks.
White people love to read negative reviews--it spares them from feeling guilty about not experiencing a much-discussed movie or book and also gives them something to tak about at Farmers Markets.
Perhaps you recall when a Washington Post music critic gave Harry Truman's daughter a bad review. President Truman wrote him a letter suggesting he'd punch him out. "Some day I hope to meet you," Truman wrote to the critic. "when that happens you'll need a new nose." The letter was hardly kept private, and Truman's popularity skyrocketed.
White people do not recognize public transportation as a viable option until the subway ("di unterban") line is built that runs directly from their home to their work.
#39 White people have Netflix.
They
receive DVDs in the mail, and get new ones
when they send the old ones back.
And every white person knows the Caine-Hackman Theory: Every day of the week, twenty-four hours a day, it is possible to find a movie somewhere on cable TV starring either Michael Caine or Gene Hackman. (Adam Leff and Zack Penn)
White people know the Bun and Spectacles Rule: Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large, thick round ones) will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe. (Tom Drane)
And Lander certainly can relate to "Born in the USA" rule: "Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver." (R. R. Kunz)
#36 White people brunch on Saturday and
Sunday.
They get up late, around 9:30, pile
into the Audi or Volvo, and drive to one of
these little places and eat brunch with friends.
Yes, white people like to "fress"--to eat, often in large quanitities or ravenously.
#143 White people love bakeries.
When a
white person brings dessert from their local
bakery to a dinner party, they are bringing
their neighborhood ("shkheyneshaft"), their
newly renovated home, and their sense of
superiority.
Don't ask, "Did you get those cookies at Costco?" And who can forget the Brooklyn bakery, Ebinger's, with its charlotte russes and blackout cakes?
#24 White people like wine
...and are expected to know what a good wine is and
the names of prominent wine-growing
regions.
Tinamarie Bernard wrote an article in the San Diego Jewish Journal about Manischewitz wine. "Manischewitz wine gives us an excuse to do both--opinionate and protest. In which case, maybe the makers of this esteemed Jewish drink might consider renaming it Manischewitz Whine. I'll drink it either way."
#78 Multilingual children
All white people want their children to speak another language. They
prefer
their children speak French. German,
Spanish, Swedish, or Italian are also
acceptable.
What? NO YIDDISH! Time Out New York, 2008/9 NYC for Visitors says, "Incorporate a lexicon of Yiddish terms into your vocabulary. Even if you grew up in Reykjavik, after a certain time here, you'll find oy, schlemiel and mazel tov start to roll off your tongue as easily as bagels and lox roll onto it. Yiddish has some of the best words to describe the urban experience-- like the suitcase you had to schlep from the airport; the schlocky job the shoe repairman did, or the tchotchkes you can't resist in the little off-the-beaten track shops in Chinatown. The ultimate initiation: When you order that bagel and lox, ask for a schmear (of cream cheese, that is).
#103 Self-Deprecating Humor
If white people make jokes about not having any money, they are secretly
criticizing those with money for not trying
to be an artist or working for a nonprofit
organization.
And there's the joke about Solly, who has been tossing and turning all night long, unable to sleep. "Solly, what's the matter? asks Beckie. "It's that $500 I owe Benny. I have to repay him tomorrow and I haven't got it."
Beckie opens the "fentster" (window) wide and yells at the house opposite: "Benny! Benny! You know that $500 that Solly owes you? He's due to pay you back tomorrow, right? Well, he hasn't got it!" She shuts the window and say, "Now let him do the worrying--you go to sleep."
#60 Toyota Prius
There's only one automobile ("oytomobile") for white people today and
that's the Toyota Prius. It gets 45 miles to
a gallon. If you see a white person in a
Prius, you can say, "Wow, it's great to see
that you're doing something for the Earth."
No "hooptie" for the white person today-- an old beat up car of low functional value that has been cosmetically enhanced with features like dark tinted windows, flashy rims and spoilers.
#84 For white people, the T-shirt is one of the most complex and expressive items in their entire wardrobe. Your T-shirt says a lot about you.
When someone asks, "Where did you get that T-shirt inscribed 'MATZA MATTER MIT YOU'? Tell them it's from JewTee.com.
#40 White people don't just like Apple, they
love Apple and need it to operate.
White
people need: iPods, iPhones, Apple TV,
AirPort, and anything else that Apple will
produce.
And white people define "iPlod" as a verb meaning to walk around in public oblivious to one's surroundings while listening to music from an iPod.
#138 White people need to show off the
books that they have read.
They want you
to examine their bookshelves.
Ring Lardner (1885-1933) said, [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set."
And remember what Richard B. Bernstein said, "If you buy a hardcover edition of a book, the paperback edition will appear next week, at a much lower price."
#63 Expensive Sandwiches
A white person can tell you about the great
sandwich shop in town. These sandwiches
generally start at $8.99.
The "Oy Vey! Deli" in Herndon, VA, sells the Henny Youngman Daily: Nova Lox with Cream Cheese & Sliced Bermuda Onion on a Bagel. After you've finished this "sendvitsh", you'll be begging us to "Take my wife...Please!"
#81 Graduate School
Being white means to engage in a day-in,
day-out struggle to prove that you are
smarter than other white people.
The Jewish organization, Aish HaTorah, has rabbis employed to participate in its Executive Learning Program. One makes a very significant contribution ($10,000 a year, more or less) and in return, a rabbi comes to one's corner office about once a week to offer Bible study, Talmudic exegesis, personal counseling or an hour of intellectual jousting. Classes have even been held at Goldman Sachs.
And then there's the joke about the group of Jewish women who decide to improve their intellectual level. No more talk about maids or children or sons-in-law--but only about politics and social questions: Barach Obama, Hillary Clinton, the Beijing 2008 Olympics in China, Anthrax, etc.
Then one said: "And what about Red China?"
"I love it! I love it!" said Sarah. "Especially on a nice white tablecloth."
One caution: Don't become a "slackademic"--a perpetual college student; someone who pursues an undergraduate degree full-time for upwards of 5 years. It's costing your "tate-mame" too much!
#52 Sarah Silverman
White people can't get enough of Sarah
Silverman. Sure, her whole shtick is saying
really offensive things.
Sarah has been known to say, "I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin."
#46 The Sunday New York Times
Some white people never go out for
breakfast ("frishtik") on a Sunday morning.
Why? The Sunday edition of The New York
Times. White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday
Magazine first. You are given an exemption during
your early college years, but by age 22 it is
pretty much law.
#142 White people like a home with hardwood floors--they're easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place.
What happened to Linoleum? Marjorie G. Wolfe has a childhood memory of Friday nights, when he mother would wash the kitchen floor and put newspapers down so we didn't get the floor dirty before her father arrived home. (The Forward was never used!)
#8 White people like Barach Obama because they are afraid that if they don't, they will be considered racist. (See Sarah Silverman).
#22 White people love giving their children two last names.
Did you read about the Jewish couple who met each other on the Internet and named their son Yaacov Cohen Yahoo?
#21 White people want to be writers.
Good
idea, says Lander; because you'll be working 10 hours a week from a
country
house in Maine or New England.
The author writes from her home in Syosset, New York.
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