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Word List:
*tsondokter"is the Yiddish word for dentist.
"tson" means tooth.
"tsonveytik" means toothache.
"Internets" means Internet
"arbetzamer' means a person who derives
great satisfaction from work.
The employer whispered to the employment counselor at Mature Execu-Match, "Look, I'm a prominent dentist in a group practice on Long Island. I use an iPad for patient registration. Utilizing MacPractice's web interface, our patients can register for appointments and procedures on an iPad and complete HIPAA forms either in the office or from home. This streamlines the registration, saves paper and time, and also reduces the risks of data-entry errors due to illegible handwriting or typing errors. I use a variety of equipment
including x-ray machines, lasers, digital
scanners, and other computer technologies.
Why am I here? Because I need a
receptionist! I want an "arbetzamer." My present girl is "shvanger" (pregnant)."
He continued, "Promise me anything, but DON'T SEND ME A CHILD. We need someone who can be productive the very first day, not spend four hours searching for the 'circular file' (euphemism for 'garbage can')."
As Ms. O'Grody listened from her "home sweet cubicle," she manicured her nails with half moons and readjusted the 11" x 14" wall sign which read;
HAVE NO FEAR
MATURE EXECU-MATCH
IS HERE.
"Can you be more specific with your job requirements, Dr. Bradley?" she asked.
"Sure. I'm looking for a mature Person Friday with the wisdom of Deborah and the dedication of Dorcas; someone who can stay cool under "fayer" (fire) like Shadrach and who has "di fantazye" (the imagination) of the Prophets. He/she needs the capabilities of all Scribes and a knowledge of computers, word processing and the 'Internets."
With her tongue firmly in her "bak" (cheek), the counselor responded:
"That's quite a request! Our typical appli- cant is career minded (a back stabber), spends hours on the job (impossible home life), is a careful thinker (won't make decisions), strong principled ("farakshnt" or stubborn), tactful with superiors (knows when to keep mouth shut), and has a "kharakter" (character) above reproach (still one step ahead of the law).
"Have you had some unsatisfactory experiences with the 'yinger' (younger) office worker?" she inquired.
"Have I?"
"Sue, a recent HSG, thought that P.S. at the end of a letter meant 'Please Settle.' Jenn, a Nassau Comm. College grad ended our $1,200 per half hour video conference meeting with New York and London with 'T.T.F.N.' (ta-ta for now). Rachel, who said that she's computer literate, tried to enter her password on the office microwave. America--yes, that's her name--screams louder than Jim Cramer when a patient admits that she doesn't floss regularly. Cindy asked for a s-l-i-c-e of demi-tasse at our breakfast meeting. Mary, who lasted two weeks, was so careful that she proofreads xeroxes against the originals! Jan told the office manager (who lost his hair at the N. Y. U. College of Dentistry), said, "There's one thing about baldness--it's neat." Arlene types the way she lives: fast--with a lot of mistakes. And Amy, a "gezunteh moid" (a big healthy dame), puts her own spin on the English language, with "Yo check dis out--what a cavity!"
"Genug iz genug" (Enough is enough.) I've got the picture, Doctor. Anyone from the 'Anything Goes Eighties' is OUT. "And furthermore, when you call in with a request, the information will be fed into our computer. We then get a printout of all individuals who qualify to do your job. Our computer can locate a mature worker who can process data, use "kol-post" (voice mail) and "blitspost" (e-mail).
"Off the record," he continued, "we're looking for someone from the Fabulous Fifties--a lady who wears Goldie Oldie liptick shades--not the Revlon Fire and Ice Woman! Can your computer come up with someone who wears Revlon's 1960 best seller, Love That Red? We'd also prefer someone who no longer wears "train tracks" (braces)...and we'll gladly accept a mature individual wth an overbite, underbite, buck teeth, gaps, or bonding." (We can correct them!)
"We will NOT--under any circumstances-- hire anyone with a history of DISCO DIGIT (sore or infected finger that comes from too much finger-snapping while dancing), or someone who defines "Windows" as "What to shut when it's fixin' to git cold outside." (Source: The Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo)."
And, finally, we want a woman who understands Farley's Law--the further the mail has to go, the sooner it will be delivered," he said.
Ms. O'Grody made note of his many requests and underlined it with red Magic Marker.
"Dr. Bradley, my computer tells me that we have just the person to fit your office needs. Wendy G., client No. 43457. She'll be available for work a week from Tuesday."
"Oh does she have to give notice at her current job?" he inquired.
"No. As President of RALPH (The) Royal Association for the Longevity and Preservation of the Honeymooners, she'll be away....."
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