Are you "zitsen ahf shpilkes" (sitting on pins and needles) as you prepare for your summer "vakatsye" (vacation)?  If so, just think of this humorous story:

Ada, an elderly Yiddish-speaking woman, was on a "tsug" (train) going on vacation from Chicago to Noo Yawk.  After stopping off at Pittsburgh, she got on the wrong train, which was going in the "heypekh" (opposite) direction.  Before the conductor discovered the error, Ada noticed another Yiddish-speaking woman, Rivka, sitting on the other side of the car.  A social chat ensued.

"Where are you going?" asked Ada.
"To Chicago."
"Is it not marvelous?" said Ada.  "I sit on this side of the car and go to Noo Yawk and you sit on the "anderer" side of the car and you go to Chicago.  These railroads are truly wonderful."

Shown below is some travel advice.  "Gey gezunt un kum gezunt."  (Go in health and come back in health)

ANDERSON, SUSAN HELLER
"Nobody likes packing.  The best advice is probably this maxim:  Lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money."

BADER, DAVID M.  ("Haikus For Jews")
Jews on Safari--
map, compass, elephant, gun, hard sucking candies.

BARRY, DAVE
"The worst thing about Europe is that you can't get up in the middle of the night to get a Slurpee."

BEARD, HENRY
[definition of the Bermuda Triangle] "Award-cruise-ship romance involving three people. [definition of Port of call]
"Exotic, fascinatin place where life is cheap, but Time and Newsweek cost $3 each, where fortunes change hands at the closing of a taxi door, where natives in crowded market places sell precious goods from the fabled  islands of Taiwan, Hong Kng and Singapore and strange articles of clothing in a single size that mysteriously fits all..."

BENCHLEY, ROBERT
"In America there are two classes of travel-- first class, and with children."

BING, STANLEY
"They don't serve meals on airlines anymore.  You have to be on a nine-hour flight to Sri Lanka to get one."

BIRNBACH/HODGMAN/STONE ("1,003 Great Things About Being Jewish")
"On an airplane, ask for a kosher meal Much better than what everyone else gets."

BLOCH, ARTHUR
"Whatever carousel you stand by, your luggage ("bagazh") will come in on another one."

BROWN, JACKSON
"Take family vacations whether you can afford them or not.  The memories will be priceless"

CARSON, JOHNNY
"There is no Gate #1 at any airport ("fliplats").

DANE, CHARLES SHERWOOD
[rotten ways to make everyone miserable] #932 - Arrive at the airport five minutes before your international flight; #904 - Forget your passport ("pas").

DENT, JAMES
[Disney World Rule]:  "Children under twelve must be accompanied by money."

DEWING, THOMAS W.
"Why, if you're not in New York you are camping out."

DICKSON, PAUL
"No matter where you go, you will always be within 150 miles of a place called the Golden Triangle."

DVOSKIN, NORMAN
[definition of Dim Sun]:  Chinese weather [definition of Whitecaps]: Luggage handlers on a cruise ship

EISENSTEIN, EDWARD L.
"The best trips are the unplanned ones; this way you won't worry about fouling up your timetable.  Conversely, the tighter the timetable, the more you'll worry, and the later you'll be."

FALLON, BETH
"The worst thing about coming back from vacation is coming back from vacation. The best thing is going through the mail and giving a sigh of thanks at all the rotten things you missed while you were away."

FEAZEL, BETTY
"Don't go back.  It isn't there anymore."

FOUNTAIN, JOHN
[Rule of Foreign Travel] "The softer the currency, the harder the toilet paper."

FRASER, ALEX
"The longer the cruise, the older the passenger ("pasazhir").

GROSSMAN, RUTH & BOB
("The French-Kosher Cookbook," The Italian-Kosher Cookbook")
"GAY AVEC":  The new advertising slogan of Pierre Shapiro's Travel Bureau.
"Fashtunkena" - Venice at low tide.
"Via Shmatah" - A street in Rome where they sell second hand clothing

JACKSON, R. W.
[definition of tourism) "The conscription of transients and hoboes, who are then ordered to brandish snap cameras for a half hour at the Louvre or a week at Dizzyland.

KING, ALAN
("Helpl!  I'm A Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery")
"When you fly tourist, they herd you into something that resembles a prisoner-of-war compound.  Then they open the gates It looks like a newsreel shot of Chinese refugees fighting their way into Hong Kong."

KNOWLAND, BILL
"Cruise ships never include stationery in your bureau drawer, but a request to the purser will add some to your collection."

KORNGOLD, JAMIE S. (Rabbi) (AKA The "Adventure Rabbi")
"Vacation near home so you can fly less."

LEDBETTER, SUZANN
"If the arrival/departure monitors are on the blink, and the airline's information desk has nary a human behind it, who am I to ask for a flight status report?"

LIVINGSTON, SKIP
[definition of Vacationclaustrophobia]: Cabin fever.

MAGELLAN [Law #46]
"Buttons that stay firmly fastened for years at home will pop off two days after you leave on your trip."

MARCUS, MARTIN
("The Power of Yiddish Thinking, c1971)
"Motels are GOYish.  Hotels are YIDDISH."

McPHERSON, JOHN
[First Law of Air Travel]:  "The distance to your connecting gate is directly proportional to the amount of time you have.'  Cartoon caption.

MORGAN, ELIZABETH S.
[Law of Air Travel]:  "The occurrence of air turbulance will always coincide with the serving of the meal."

MORRIS, MARY
"Trips are like life.  You can plan them all you want, but there's no guarantee they will come out the way you plan them.  If you get on a bus in Guatemala, you may get stopped at the border of Salvador.  You try to read up, try to prepare."

NILVA, SHEILA COLE
"No place that you have thought of to hide your things in your hotel room hasn't been thought of before - and has been discovered by the thieves as well."

O'CONNOR, TOM
[definition of Floridated] Someone over 65, sent to Miami.

PARKER, SCOTT
[observation]:  "Thursday is the busiest day of the week at U. S. airports."

REIS, HAROLD
[Law of Airplane Travel]:  "Whatever airline you fly and whatever airport you fly to, you always land at Gate 102."

ROONEY, ANDY
"Travel just for the sake of going somewhere is usually a disappointment."

RORAFF, SUSAN & JULIE KREJCI
[obscene gestures]  "Austria isn't a country that uses its hands to express anger.  However, put an Austrian behind a wheel, and, well, things are slightly different.  Here you might see hands or fingers doing strange things.  The standard middle finger is used when someone is cut off, but pointing to the head with the middle finger repeatedly is also common.  the latter means that you are crazy ("meshuge") or that you have 'einen Vogel im Kopf" (a bird in your head).

RUSSELL, MARK
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."

SANFORD, MARK (Gov.)
["Touring Amouring Rule"] or "LUST & Found Rule":
"Never visit Buenos Aires without your wife."

SCHWORM, MARGO B.
[Starters and Stoppers]:  "When traveling abroad, one is liable to get either constipated or diarrhea, or (sequentially) both.  So the wise traveler goes to the doctor beforehand and gets two prescriptions, one for Starters and one for Stoppers, to handle either contingency."

SMITH, VALENE L.
"A tourist is a temporarily leisured person who voluntarily visits a place away from home for the purpose of experiencing a change."

SMOCK, RUTH J.
"Whenever you travel, the weather is 'unusual' for this time of year."

TRITTEN, LARRY
[Rules]:  "A vacationer in Britain should never say that the British idea of haute cuisine is fish 'n' chips.  Don't look at the crown jewels with a jeweler's loupe, and don't ask if Big Ben is a Swatch.  Don't steal a towel from your hotel in Bath so you can make a silly joke when you get home, and don't say Westminster Abby would be a great place to film an Imperial margarine commercial."

VIORST, JUDITH
"Discussing your relationship on vacation is yet another hazard to marital health."

VORHAUS, JOHN
[The Grand Canyon Effect]:  "No matter how good the canyon looks from the rim, you really won't get to know it until you go down that donkey ("eyzl") trail."

WOLFE, MARJORIE GOTTLIEB
[opinion] "A chocolate on your pillow sometimes costs you a mint."

WRIGHT, STEVEN
"When I go to Spain I'm flying Air Bazarre."

YOUNG, WILLIAM C.
[LAX Law]:  "Flying is not in itself dangerous, but the air is like the sea, very unforgiving of those who make mistakes."

ZZZZ
[definition of a Historical site]: "This is where that lady spilled the coffee in her lap."
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Marjorie Wolfe is headed to Martha's Vineyard this "zumer."  She reminds her readers, "Never judge a summer resort by its post cards.