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"Property of Yenta Sentiments Greeting Cards."
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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What have I got to "kvetch" about? Let's look at my questions:
1. Should anti-Semite, Mel Gibson, go through a 12-step program which would include visits to Auschwitz, The Holocaust Museums in New York, Washington, and Jerusalem, and the Western Wall? (Suggested by Rush & Molloy, New York Daily News)
2. Was Maureen Dowd correct when she wrote that Mel Gibson thinks he should spend a few months in AA--Anti-Semites Anonymous? (New York Times, 8/2/06)
3. Was Michael Wex really "Born To Kvetch"?
4. Was Rodney Dangerfield the KIng of Kvetchers?
5. Why isn't there an "American Sheitel" 'televisye' (television) reality program? TV viewers can vote for the woman wearing the best-looking head covering.
6. Why did a Los Angeles theatre company have this ticketing "prayz" (price) list for a Theodore Bikel performance?
MENTSH $ 18 MEYVIN 36 MAKHER 100
7. Why isn't there a sitcom called "Rent-A-Yenta"? (Debra Schwartz actually wrote one, but it couldn't swim with the sharks.)
8. Why don't "koyne" (customer) service reps just say these 4 little words: "For indignation, Press "eyns" (1)?
9. Why don't ALL synagogues have an "yerlekh" (annual) kosher barbecue and offer teams with names like "Shofar Shogood," and "Grillin n' Tefillin"?
10. Where would rugelach and Halvah be without the Jews?
11. Is Guy Lombardo a back ailment?
12. Why is it that Izzy and Clara have greatgrandchildren named "Madison" and "Mercedes"?
13. Why did Ruth Reichl, restaurant critic for The New York Times (1993-1999) describe her mother's cooking as "life-threatening"?
14. Doesn't every Jew have a relative in the "diment" (diamond) business?
15. Why don't more greeting card companies have a sense of humor? Tube Loons Greeting Cards does! One card named "Benching Yentas," has two elderly women sitting on a bench. The conversation: "Have you heard? Sonya's got a new fella. She moves downtown and the next thing you know, she's involved with IRWIN RENEWAL!"
16. Does IBM mean "Ich Bin a Mentch"?
17. Was Lenore Skenazy on the mark when she defined "Bagelicious" as "an attractive or voluptuous young woman, usually Jewish"?
18. Does ATM mean "Abstinence Till Marriage"?
19. Is it true that most Jews whisper the names of diseases that begin with the letter C--Cancer, Cirrhosis of the liver, Clicker disease (unique to male owners of a remote control for the TV), Charminphobia (fear of being squeezed), Chinese Restaurant Syndrome (sick feeling caused by MSG in kosher Chinese food), and Castroenteritis (bedsores).
20. Was the late Sam Levenson correct when he wrote, "Give your husband enough rope ("shtrik") and he'll want to skip"?
21. Why do elderly Jews often greet each other by saying, "Vos hert zikh guts"? (What do you hear that's good?)
22. If laughter is the best medicine ("meditsin"), how come it's not covered by my HMO?
23. Is it PC to say to our child ("kind"), "I lived through Nixon; you will make it through the Bush years"?
24. Was the only really good advice my Jewish mother ever gave me, "GO! You might meet somebody!"?
25. Shouldn't "minyan-shleppers," those charged with the duty of dragging (shlepping) a quorum of ten ritually adult males (a minyan) into the synagogue so that the morning service can begin, be given a discount on their annual synagogue dues?
26. What will my "mishpokhe" (family) say when they discover that my brisket came from Misterbrisket.com (1-877-BRISKET)?
27. Is it true that the Yiddish word for "loquacious" is "Yatatata"?
28. Who said, "Dos lebn iz der grester spektakl oyf der velt"? (Life is the greatest show on earth.)
29. When a Jew vacations on Martha's Vineyard do we call that tourist a "Vin Yid"?
30. Was Sharon Kahn ("Never Nosh a Matzo Ball") accurate when she wrote that "A matzo ball a day keeps a heart attack away"?
31 Is it true that when a Jewish guest gives a "hust" (cough), it means he's missing a spoon?
__________
Marjorie G. Wolfe wonders if there are two
sides to every question, why is there only
one answer?
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