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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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Last "nakht" (night) I awoke, screaming from a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that I had awakened on Thanksgiving morning,2004, to find that the entire cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond" were spending Thanksgiving with my "mishpohe." "Der kholem" (the dream) seemed so real.
For those unfamiliar with the sit-com, Raymond is a successful columnist/sportswriter, living on Long Island with his wife, Debra, and thrree children. That's the "gut" news.
The bad news? Ray's meddling parents, Frank and Marie, live directly across the steet. Their motto: "su casa es mi casa." My adult sons call Marie a "shviger"--it rhymes with "trigger" and means mother-in-law.
Brother, Robert is a policeman and loves to drop over at Ray's house although he resents Ray's successful career and happy family. Ray and Debra just wish someone would knock ("klapn" ) once in a while.
The details of the dream: I had cooked a Colonial Charleston Thanksgiving dinnner for "draytsn" (l3).
Oysters
on a half shell with spicy vinegar
Roast
turkey with corn bread stuffing and giblet "yoykh" (gravy)
Mashed
turnips with nutmeg
Whipped
sweet potatoes with Cardamom
Apple
Chutney
Four-layer
cake with lemon curd
With the
arrival of the Romano's, we would be 20 people. Barney Greengrass
to the rescue!
They all arrive in Ray's car, the one that's known as his "make-out mobile." Raymond opens the front door carrying a copy of "Yiddish with Dick and Jane" by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman. Marie is reading the glossary and says, "Pupik? Technically, "bellybutton." Professionally, used by mothers describing the length of the skirt on the shiksa (see sheygets) that their only son brings home. "In walks this 'Bridgette,' with the blonde hair, probably bleached, in a dress up to her pupik."
Marie brings me an X-rated abstract sculpture that she made in art class. She admires my late mother's Bunka (Japanese art work). Michael has his handwritten story titled, "The Angry Family" and Ally has her American Girl, Lindsey doll, Lindsey's Silver Scooter, laptop personal organizer, and messenger style computer bag. Debra is "shlepn" the kids, who immediately ask, "Where are you hiding the stuffed animals, Nerf balls, and Matchbox cars.
Looking at Debra's "punim" (face), it's obvious that she and Marie had some argument. They're "broygez"-- angry. It seems that Marie was reminiscing about when Debra gave birth to the twins, and she came to the hospital. Marie said how unusual it was for her to have had twins since no one on her side or our side of the family ever had twins. Debra said, "My OB-gyn, said it happens only once in a half-million times." Marie replies, "My God, Debra, when did you have time to do the housework?"
Robert, 6 ft., 8 inches, is what we call in Yiddish, "a langer." It's like a long drink of water, a very tall person. He's wearing his famous mustard-colored leisure suit. The Wolfe family are in agreement that it was purchased at the "Little Shop of Horrors" or "Gulden's Dept. Store."
Marie walks into my kithen, admires my Palladian window. She quickly notes that my refrigterator is not avocado or Harvest Gold--like hers. She sees my Pergo Select laminate floors and says, "Can't afford a carpet? Tsk, Tsk!" She opens my kitchen cabinet, examines my spices, and tells me that she once put a BASIL label on TARRAGON-- and Debra found out! "Damned gluestick," she added. Frank notes that my living room sofa does not have the plastic covers and shouts, "Holy c--p."
I toy with the idea of ringing a silver bell to announce the start of our feast, but chose to keep our traditional method. When the smoke alarm sounds, everyone gathers around the table.
We finally are seated at the table, which is decorated with our best linens, fancy china, and crystal goblets. Frank says, "Holy c--p, no plastic Peter Rabbit plates and Santa napkins from Christmas 1997." Marie expects "Catskill glamour"-- chiefs, saladman, waiters, busboys, etc. She gets one "baleboosteh"--ME!
My family was 100% correct when they said that "baha mishe menschen"--difficult guests. Debra asks for fat-free gravy, and Robert leads us in prayer.
"We thank Thee for this Thanksgiving food, and ask Thy protection from the pesticides and additives therein."
Robert turns out to be some "fresser." The twins could be labeled "grabby Michael" and "Spiller Geoffrey." Marie complains that she went to her local pharmacist and asked him if her Cipro tablets are "time release pills." The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears." Ray's face lit up like a 1,000-watt bulb.
Marie and Frank reminisce about the Thanksgiving when they both went on a diet. She made a tofu turkey... and Ray ordered a traditional Thanksiving dinner from a restaurant. (Marie is caught eating Ray's dinner in the middle of the night.)
At 10 p.m. the Romano' are preparing to leave. Marie asks for a little leftover turkey and apple chutney. "It's for Raymond's dinner tomorrow. You know Debra's life is a '24-7' whirl. Confidentially, she's cooking-challenged. They should live near Zabar's."
As Ray leaves, I ask him if Jewish women out there on Long Island see him as a sex symbol. He replies, "If there are, can you find them for me?"
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
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