  
|
Feeling "krank"? No flu shot available? Why not hurry over to Target for treatment. Some Target stores offer "di minut" (The Minute) Clinic, where people can get treated for common ills like strep throat and "oyer" (ear) infections. For the cost of approximately $44, the store will provide high quality care. And the best news of all: "der patsyent" can get a pager and can shop while they wait.
Will the physicians be able to diagse esoteric diseases, those illnesses intelligible only to those with special knowledge? Some examples include "Fetal Attraction"--obsessions in utero, "One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest", "Safire's Syndrome"--the urge to correct, and "Clicker disease," that strange ailment unique to male owners of the remote control for the television.
Since Jewish patients suffer unique problems, the Target physician may have some difficulty diagnosing these problems:
Chaiatal Hernia
Elderly Jewish men who get hernias from
wearing chais which are too heavy
2nd Avenue Deli Syndrome
Fear that "der budzhet" will not enable
you to mail 5 servings of flanken at a cost of $75 (plus $48.75 for overnight
shipping) to your son in Gadsden, Alabama
Yiddish S-word Syndrome
Fear that you'll fill your "moyl," pucker
your lips, push "di tsung" against the hard palate, and spray your future
mother-in-law in an attempt to say the following colorful "s" words: shikker,
schmattes, schlumperdik, and shvigger.
"Kravat" Syndome
Concern that "der dokter" is wearing a tie
that, if tested, would prove positive for disease-carrying
microorganism.
Family Circle/Cousins' Club Phobia
Fear that your monthly family meeting will
resemble the gatherings of the Devorah Faiga Jake Club, Jerry Stiller's
Family Circle.
"There was food, card playing and discussion. In the middle of the evening of schmoozing and camaraderie, the bedroom door opened and a man dressed in a woman's fur coat, a lady's hat on his head and a rose in his mouth, burst into the living room singing the flower song from Bizet's Carmen." ("Married To Laughter" by Jerry Stiller)
Airline Flight Rules Phobia
Fear that the ISRAIR'niks were serious when
they announced: "Don't forget to take all your personal belongings,
including spouses and children. Anything left behind will be distributed
among the flight attendants. The last passenger off the plane will
clean up."
"Tsuriktsien zikh" (to retire)
Appehensive feeling about turning 65 and
being forced to retire. "Der patsyent" walks around the waiting room
quoting George Burns: "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When
I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
Merry Maids Syndrome
Fear that your cleaning help will leave
you right before Passover and you'll be forced to hire help from the company
which placed the following ad:
Computer Glitch Syndrome
Fear that you'll experience the identical
scene from Episode 2, Season 8 of the Friends TV show:
[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rchel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out]
Rachel: "Listen y'know
what sir? For the last time, I don't care what the computer says,
we
did not take a bag of Mashuga
nuts from the mini-bar.."
Job Title Phobia
Fear that your son's business card will
read, "Doctor, CUO (CHIEF UNDERWEAR OFFICER) for Joe Boxer, and Manager
of Mischief
Jewish "Bukh" Club Phobia
Fear that you will be unable to choose next
month's selection. You can't decide between "Einstein Never Used
Flash Cards" by Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, "Never Nosh A Matzo Ball" by Sharon
Kahn, or "Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms" by Barbara
Johnson.
Color Code Confusion
Concern that you will not know what color
alert is on for today and you can't decide whether to buy more duct tape
or to attend your monthly meeting of the Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler
("Let the Good Times Roll").
Red Bendl Syndrome
You're "tsemisht." Is a "bendel" a knotted red string worn by
devotees of Jewish mysticism...or a relation
to Henri?
Jewish Guilt Syndrome
Patient is simply fed up with hearing her
mom ask, "From that you make a living?" and "Eat like that and you hink
you will live to be a 'hundert'?"
"Shvarts-yohr-nik" (a black year-nik) "dershlogn" (depression) caused by being unable to afford to purchase "eyns" (one) share of Google stock.
Jewish Museum Stomach
Within two hours, tops, of entering The
Jewish Museum, the Ellis Island Museum, or the U. S. Holocaust Memorial
Museum, the patient will be "hungerik" (hungry), and "dorshtik" (thirsty),
and, since Museum Stomach works in tandem with Museum Legs,
the patient will need to "zetsn zikh" (sit down).
Mrs. Paul's Bunions
Foot disorder caused by massive ingestion
of kosher fish sticks purchased from The Flatbush Food Coop on Cortelyou
Road in Brooklyn.
Manilow
Depression brought on by hearing Yiddish
romantic "muzik."
Yentl Syndrome
Once a woman showed that she was just like
a man, by having severe coronary disease, or a myocardial infarction, THEN
she was treated as a man would be.
Crossword puzzle phobia
Fear that one cannot complete a Stanley
Newman crossword puzzle which asks:
l across "mensch" (8 letters)
"Currier-And-Ives-Itis"
Chronic Hanukkah crankiness, brought on
by the desire to make every holiday "pasirung" (event) a perfect Kodak
moment, suitable for framing.
"A View From the Bimah Syndrome"
Inability to peer out at those attending
services and decipher many of the conversations taking place. Ex.
"Did Barbara Davilman ("Yiddish with Dick and Jane") define FARBLONDGET
as follows:
Lost, confused, wandering around, while astray. "I go to Starbucks for a lousy cup of coffee, I take one look at the grande this and vente that, with the macchiato and the caramel latte cream, I get totally farblondjet."
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
| Yiddish
Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe |
Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World |