the schmooze
"Gvald! I'm In A Daze of InTAXication"

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York


It's true: Mark W. Everson, Commissioner of the IRS, is watching you.

"Der hakhnose-shtayer" (The income tax) is like a laundry list--either way you lose your "hemd" (shirt). This "yor" (year) I'm using humor as a tool to cope with "der veytik" (the pain) of preparing my 1040 tax form. Here's exactly what I'm doing:

. Contacting Empire Kosher Poultry to inquire whether they still offer a "umzist" (free) chicken to IRS-audited folks.

. Calling Bill Clinton to ask whether he had any "menie" (difficulty) when he took a tax deduction of $2 a pair or his old " unternemung" (undies), $1.50 a pair for his old "zoks" (socks), in 1986, and $15 for his "gatkes" (long johns) in 1988.

. Writing Commissioner Everson to confirm " der fakt" (the fact) that his wife, Nanette, quit her job at the White House Ethics Office to spend more time with "di mishpokhe" (the family). (She is probably the ONLY "perzon" in America who wants to spend time with the IRS Commissioner.)

. Calling my "khezhbn-firer" (accountant) to see who said the following statement: " If the IRS took a "hundert" (100) taxpayers at random and sent each an INCORRECT notice that they owed an " ekstre" (extra) $92.35 in taxes and interest, more than two-thirds would probably just send in a "tshek" (check) without investigating further."

. Checking with Commissioner Everson the accuray of 'der fakt" (the fact) that during the filing season, the "vebzaytl" (website),, averages more than one million visits a day. One major search engine reported that it was surpassed only by Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears, and a poker game.

. Calling Leona Helmsley to determine whether she still feels that "the little people pay taxes."

. Contacting H & R Block for "informatsye" (information) as to whether they are affiliated with "H Block Tax Preparation"- serving the prison population since 1916. (Suggested by Mary O'Rourke)

. Starting a chapter of the Long Island SPCT--the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

. Sending a telegram (Oops, I "fargesn" that there are no more telegrams) to the tax Commissioner stating that it took me 4 hours an 44 minutes to prepare Form 1040, and, furthermore, it was completed using the latest Japanese import: Kumon Mathamatex.

. Checking with the reference department at "di bibliotek" (the library) to determine why Uncle Sam has such a tall "hut" (hat). Could it be that he's passing it around for taxes?

. Writing to Art Buchwald, the 80-year-old humorist who now resides in a Capitol- area hospice, to thank him for his 1968 piece titled, "Income Tax Days." He wrote about an 1862 speech by President Lincoln, given on the White House lawn:

"You can tax some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time. But you can't tax all of the people all of the time."

. Mailing a nasty "brivl" (note) to Gary Sellinger for suggesting a Syn Tax, a tax on cliches and malapropisms.

. Driving carefully on the Long Island Expressway because the life I save could be somone who owes me a "bisl" (little) money.

. Writing a letter to Jay Leno thanking him for the following joke: "Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That' a red flag."

. Preparing for a tax audit by practicing the following two Yiddish expressions:

"Alle meiles in ainem iz nita bei kinem." (There is no such thing as a perfect person.)

"Vu iz der nor-ent-teh bonk?" (Where is the nearest bank?)

. Speaking in a hushed voice while in my office cube. Co-workers will assume I'm talking with someone at the IRS...or my mother.

. Contact playwright, Neil Simon, suggesting that if there's a revival of "The Sunshine Boys,"that he OMIT these lines: " Chicken is funny; pickle is funny; cup cake is funny. Tomato is not funny. Roast beef is not funny."

Suggest, instead, that he substitute these lines: "Compliance and penalty is not funny. Tax 'package' is not funny. Problem Resolution assistance is certainly not funny."


Marjorie doesn't need to watch the video spoof, "Harry & Louise," with the words," Paid for by the Coalition to Scare Your Pants Of." A letter from the IRS will do it!


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N O P Q R S T U V W   Y Z
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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