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With the High Holidays rapidly approaching, what we need is a tribute to
the synagogue secretary. Preparing for
the holidays? "Me zol nisht vissn derfun."
(You shouldn't know from it.)
"The Rebbetzin's Husband" (May 25, 2011) asks, "Do you know which shul employee is the most important?"
It's not the custodial staff.
It's not the caterer or the Kiddish Krew.
It's not the executive director.
It might be the rabbi, but not necessaarily.
The most important shul employee is often the secretary, or administrative assistant, or office manager.
Yes, as the website continues, "The secretary is the external face of the
shul. If the secretary answers the phone
("telefon") and her disinterested tone of
voice ("shtime") says, 'Temple-We-Don't-
Want-Your-Call' how must I begrudgingly
help you," that's a turn-off for the caller.
If a potential new family calls the shul and
receives that kind of treatment, this
introduction may well be their last contact
with the shul."
Shown below is a Yiddish quiz for the synagogue/shul secretary. Grab a #2 pencil and let's see how well you fare.
1. The typical synagogue office is one in
which
A) Everyone reads "The Forward"
B) The subject files go from A ("arbeter" (worker) to Z, "zitsen ahf shpilkes" (sitting on pins and needles; being
fidgety)
C) The rabbi/cantor does everything "moisheh kapoyer" (in reverse)
D) The shul President reads whatever
you post, whether on Facebook,
Twitter, or your own blog
E) At 9 a.m. everyone says, "Gut-morgn" (Good morning)
F) All of the above
2. Jerry Seinfeld ("Seinlanguage") wrote, "Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think of it as a stationery story with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and go home."
What is the Yiddish word for "pastry"?
a) "gebeks"
B) "geburt"
C) "geboyrn"
3. Myron Cohen ("Hanging Out Loud") tells the story about working in "The Garment Center." A faithful cutter, who after 25 years of work, approaches his boss and asked for a raise.
"Well," began the head man, "business is bad now, Sam, and I just can't afford to give you a raise."
"But I'm doing three men's work, and I always have," replied the sad Sam.
"Three men's work!" exploded the boss.
"Tell me who the other two men are,
and I'll fire them."
What is the Yiddish "vort" (word) for "boss"?
A) "balmelocheh"/"bal-melokhe"
B) "balebos"
C) "bal-khoyv"
4. A rabbi goes to a lawyer and asks, "How much do you charge for legal "eytse" (advice)?
"A 'toyznt" (thousand) dollars for three questions."
"Wow! Isn't that kind of expensive?"
"Yes, it is. What's your third question?"
What's the Yiddish word for "expensive"?
A) "tayvl"
B) "tayer"
C) "tayne"
5. A congregant e-mails the rabbi suggesting that he propose a "Day of
Conception"--a day to make a "beybi."
She had read that in Russia, the govern-
ment of a central province told employers
to contribute to a Kremlin campaign to
boost the birthrate by giving couples the
day off to have sex. And if a woman gives
birth in exactly 9 months, she will qualify
for a prize, even winning a new home.
What is the Yiddish word for "pregnant"?
A) "shvanger"
B) "shvants"
C) "shvebele"
6. According to "Ruby's World of Yiddish":
A) "Glick (happiness) in the office makes for glick in the home."
B) "The guy I work with is a real golem."
(FYI: A "golem" is a person who is a lump.
Also spelled "goilem.")
C) "The dollar store is full of "chazaarai"
(junk)
D) All of the above
7. The shul secretary tells a congregant "Shik mir a
blitzspost." This expression means
A) Send me a voice-mail.
B) Send me an inter-office memo
C) Send me an e-mail
8. After shabbos services, three men are standing around the water cooler "shmoozen." One says, "Madoff, the Ponzi scheer, is in the Carolina clink." "Danken Got," replied the rabbi.
What's the Yiddish word for prison/jail?
A) "voynung"
B) "turme"
C) "tsunemen"
9. A new office worker at a Long Island synagogue was given a list of office safety rules: Close drawers completely after every use. Always use a stepladder for overhead reaching. Chairs should never be used as ladders. Clean up all spills immediately, especially "vayn" (wine).
What is the Yiddish word meaning
"immediately"/"at once"?
A) "teykef"
B) "im-yirtse-hashem"
C) "Ich vais nit" (I don't know.)
10. The synagogue receives a call from a
congregant who wants to mail in a
contribution to the Rabbi's Fund. She
is given the information and is also
told:
A) "Oif tsedokeh iz oich do chazokeh"
B) "Ir gefelt mir zaier."
C) "A dank!"
11. A congregant calls the synagogue office
inquiring whether the temple library
has a book about "B-A-R-K Mitzvahs."
She is told,
A) "Yes. We have three copies of "Alfie's
Bark Mizvah" by Shari Cohen. B) 'Ver volt dos geglaibt?" (Who would have believed it?)
C) "Muzzle-tov!"
12. An Internal Revenue inspector walks into the synagogue office and tells the secretary that he has an appointment with the rabbi. This visit is right before Rosh Hashanah. He is shown to the rabbi's study, where is is busy preparing his holiday sermon.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Kaye, stated on his 2009 tax return that he has donated $100,000 to your building fund. Tell me, Rabbi, is this figure "pinktlekh" (accurate)?"
The Rabbi answers,"Yes, he will."
What is the Yiddish word meaning "to donate"?
A) "shenken"
B) "sheptshen"
C) "shadkhn"
13. Michael Fitzgerald describes a
"deceptionist" as an office worker who fibs
about the boss's whereabouts.
What is the Yiddish word for "deception"/
fraud/cheat?
A) "shvindel"
B) "opnarn"
C) All of the above
14. A shul president took a dim view of one of the secretaries who regularly arrived "farshpetikt" (late) for work. "It's not my fault," apologized the girl. "I'm a heavy sleeper." This angered the president even more. "You can tell that excuse to a baby, not to me! You should follow my example. I'm up every morning at 5 o'clock, not at 9 o'clock like you." The secretary responded:
"Sir, there's no way you can compare your situation with mine. When you wake up, you know immediately that you are a "raykh" (rich) retired man. You have a good reason to get out of "bet" (bed) early. With me it's different. Every day when I wake up, I remind myself that I'm just a lowly UNDERPAID shul secretary. There's no reason for me to hurry to get out of bed."
What's the Yiddish word for "unhurried"/ slowly?
A) "gemitlich"
B) "gembeh!"
C) "gesheft"
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ANSWERS:
1. F
2. A
3. B
4. B
5. A
6. D
7. C
8. B
9. A
10. C
11. A (or) C
12. A
13. C
14. A
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