SURVIVOR SERIES "DRAYTSN" (13)

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

• My feet are so narrow. I can only wear Ferragamos.
  
• This traffic is so bad you could make a stuffed derma between here and the next exit.
  
• The pastrami is too lean.
  

I'm "kvetching," too! I'm feeling "gekhakte tsores" (utter misery). The 13th edition of "Survivor" begins on September 14. It will screen to an estimated 20 million viewers in the U. S. and will be seen in 109 other countries. And I was not selected as one of the 20 par ticipants. The Castaways include a professional volleyball player, a "muziker" (heavy metal guitarist), a nail-salon manager, an "advokat" (lawyer), and a "politsey" (police officer).

Jeff Probst (and Mark Burnett) should have "alleh tzores oif zein kop" (lots of trouble)! I could easily have spent 39 days living on Cook Islands, which are noted for being the site of the infamous Mutiny on the Bounty. What would be so bad if I won $1 "milyon" dollars?

I have always considered myself a Jewish" adventure seeker" and a "kasnik"--an exciting person. My fitness instructor at the Y said of me, "Oy is due a meydl." (Oh, what a girl!) I'm no "mitelmesiger'--average person. I adhere to the philosophy that" He Who Rests, Rusts."

I sent host, Jeff Probst, an 8 1/2" x 11" picture taken of me "in di alte gute tsaytn" (in the good old days). The color photo showed me as I shimmied up a palm tree in Miami Beach to show off skills I hoped would be helpful on the Cook Islands in the South Pacific. Then there's a video of me building a sukkah, the prefab variety, of course. And, finally, the video shows me preparing "Chicken Mushroom Soup Yid DIh Sha Mah Mah." The directions--for those who are interested--follows:

Put in the pot the broth and onion and MSG. Bring to a nice boil and throw in the sliced mushrooms and the egg noodles. Let it boil for another 10 minutes or so, put in then the pieces lettuce or watercress and serve. Serves 4 p eople. In China, it is known as Moo Goo Gai Tong; in Chinese restaurants, it is generally known as the one from Group A. (Source: "The Chinese-Kosher Cook- book" by Ruth & Bob Grossman.)

Yes, I did undergo an extensive background check. They discovered that--as a child--I received FREE DISHES at the Sutter Avenue movie theater in Brooklyn. This was followed by a written psychological evaluation, and complete medical testing. They discovered that I take the following "meditsin" (medicine): Lipitor, Furosemide, and Diovan. To be"erlekh" (honest), I omitted the fact that I also use Rogaine for Women.

I also neglected to divulge that I suffer from a slight hearing loss. On my last visit to the "dokter," he told me to exercise and eat the right foods. (I thought he told me to accessorize and buy nice shoes.)

Perhaps it was "bashert" that they didn't accept me. This Jewish "Bubba" agees with Judy Muller, ABC News Correspondent, that the test of survival from REAL LIFE is to put the entire "mishpacheh" in the SUV, send them on a cross-country trip, without anybody being voted out. See how many can survive.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!