by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

The Kays have "tsvey" (2) daughters--both students at SUNY Binghamton.
And, of course, they were home for "der zumer."

Allan, "der tate", looked weary as he arrived at Penn Station. No, it wasn't due to all the extra security guards since the terrorist attacks in London. No, it wasn't due to the new Mitchum antiperspirant ads carrying playful messages like "You're a Mitchum Man" or"If you've ever given up your seat, you're a Mitchum Man." "If you're pretty sure you could kick out the window in the event of an emergency, you're a Mitchum Man."

"I overheard Lauren say to one of her current 'significant other' (she met him on JDate), that our 'heym' never provided her with a Norman Rockwell 'kindhayt' (childhood)" said Allen to a fellow commuter. "Can you imagine that chutzpah! What could be more Rockwellian than Mary Jane 'shukhs' (shoes), Ugg Boots from Neiman Marcus, $90 Birkenstock Papillio sandals, home made Rugelach, Junket, REAL malted milk shakes and buckwheat griddle-cakes?"

" Nu?" replied the commuter.

" So, I told her to re-read the 16" x 20" laminated sign that my wife hung in the family room:

ATTENTION: GIRLS

IF YOU ARE TIRED OF BEING HASSLED BY YOUR UNREASONABLE TATA-MAMA, NOW IS THE TIME FOR ACTION. LEAVE HOME, AND PAY YOUR OWN WAY WHILE YOU STILL KNOW "ALTSDING" (EVERYTHING)!

...and I told her that her 'shloftsimer' (bedroom)--in real-estate jargon--can be described as 'move in IYD'--move in IF YOU DARE," continued Allen.

" Karen, the Home Eco. major, placed a "kestl" (box) of baking soda inside 'der fridzhider' (the refrigerator) because she detected a foreign odor. She then proceeded to examine the drain pan on the bottom of the frig. She sounded like an instructor at Hamburger University in Oak Book, Illinois, with her comments about negative air, and QS&C (Quality, Service and Cleanliness). Her sister assisted with the housekeeping chores by mixing mint with "der vaser" (the water) in a spray bottle and misting all the plants. It really worked: the house smelled like "der friling" (the spring season)."

"Nu, what are you complaining about?" his friend asked impatiently.

"Well, you have 'tsvey' sons--not daughters.  'Ado ligt der hunt bagrobn.' (Here is the source of the problem.)

Do your boys dissolve tablepoons of boric and salicyclic acid crystals in boiling water, cool the mixture, and soak their feet for 30 minutes daily?"

" No."

" And do they survive on a no cholesterol, no sodium, low-cal, high-protein diet - or hydrate Mexican chicken and Beef Stroganoff by just dropping them into boiling water--and THERE'S DINNER!"?

" Wow!

" I'll bet your sons talk about earning megabucks, triathlon training, power lunches, 'Mess O'Potamia' (that's what Jon Stewart dubbed the Iraq war), the ubiquitous symbol of our national divide, Red State/Blue State, VCs (venture capitalists), and Trump University. My girls collect and swap 'scent-strips' that fall out of magazines. Their dinner conversa- tion is aout 'Wardrobe Malfunction,' roughage, bulimia, beauty facials and bikini waxing. Karen's last words this morning were, "If the placement office calls today, I'll earn enough for the $63 Spa Pedicure at Georgette Klinger."

" You have quite a 'mishpokhe,' the commuter said.

" Yes," agreed Allen. Some people would call us 'a meshpokhe mit af tsores.'"

" Just 17 days, 5 hours, and 22 minutes until college resumes. Hopefully by that time I'll be accustomed to their grazing, the black painted windows (to reduce video glare), and their complaints about casting Alfred Molina as Teyve in 'Fiddler on the Roof." As they put it, "Goy vey iz mir." ( Harvey Fierstein now stars in the B'way show.)" Have a nice day, Allen" said the commuter.

" Me darf zayn shtark vi ayzn" (You have to be strong as iron.), said the commuter.

" Zayt gezunt!" (So long. Be healthy.)