  
|
PAYMENT RESULT IN A "TSUNAMI OF
TSORIS" FOR THE CONSUMER?
CONSPIRE TO CARRY OFF THE "PERFEKT" CRIME?
|
|
Barbara S. Migdal wrote to the New York Times Metropolitan Diary (Feb. 16, 2009):
Dear Diary:
Overheard in a crowded Zabar's recently:
Woman asks man next to her, "Are you
on the bread line?"
Man answers, "No, I'm just leaving it, but I bet there will be a lot of people getting on the bread line these days."
In an effort to jump-start the economy, this "yor" taxpayers
will receive an Economic
Stimulus Payment. Yes, "LIke Yentas in winter, the economy is also headed
south."
Yes, the U. S. Postal Service will be getting a
2-cent raise in the price of a first-class "postgelt" (postage) stamp.
And national
experts say this recession is so bad that most people just can't afford to
break up.
In Palm Beach County, FL, for example, the
number of divorce actions fell to 5,619 in
2008 to 6,070 in 2007. The bad economy is
actually keeping together the area's
wealthiest couples. Joel Weissman, a divorce lawyer, says "many moneyed
people
are willing to have lack of love, as opposed
to lack of finances."
And Trump Entertainment Resorts, Inc., the casino operator named for Donald Trump, the "maven," filed for bankruptcy protection. "Ver volt dos geglaibt?" (Who would have believed it?)
There's even a new term: "cautious pause."
It's the new frugality trait of stopping to
consider every purchase instead of simply
buying on impulse.
The web has been the source of a humorous piece on the Economic
Stimulus Payment. It beglns, "This is a very exciting
new program that has been explained using
a Q and A format. "Geb a kuk" (give a look)
at the YIDDISH VERSION:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is "gelt" that the federal "regirung"
(government) will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the "regrung" get this gelt?
A. From "du" (you), the taxpayer.
Q. So the "regirung" is giving me back MY
OWN GELT?
A. A "bisl"--a little; only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the gelt to
purchase a high-definition "televisye" or
an automatic navigation system for your
car. This is especially good for us Jews
who are geographically challenged.
Rabbi Perlstein of Ohev Shalom of Bucks
County said in a sermon that "If Moses
had an automatic navigation system,
instead of 40 years, we could have made
it to the promised land in 11 ("elf) days."
The above spending plan will stimulate the economy.
Q. But if we buy a high-definition TV set,
isn't this stimulating the economy of
China?
A. "Sha! Shveig! Farmach dos moyl!"
(Shut-up!)
Below is some helpful "eytse" (advice) on how to help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely. "Barat zich mit vemen du vilst, un tu miten aigenem saichel." (Ask advice from everyone, but act with your own mind.)
1. If you spend that "gelt" at Wal-Mart, all of it will go to China.
2. If you spend it on "gazolin," it will go to the Arabs.
3. If you purchase a "komptyuter," it will go to India.
4. If you purchase "frukht" (fruit) and "grins" (vegetables), it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic.)
5. If you buy an "oyto," it will go to Japan.
6. If you buy useless "khazera"/"chazerai," (junk) at the dollar store, your money will go to Taiwan.
7. If you purchase genuine sheepskin Ugg
boots, it will go to Australia. Remember,
about 99% of Ugg boots sold on the
internet are made in China. These China
boots are manufactured using inferior
sheepskin internal material and probably
suede external material which doesn't
allow the boot to breath. It leaves you
with a "farshtunken" smelly boot you
won't want to put back on after 4-5 weeks.
8. If you buy a FAKE Louis Vuitton or Jimmy Choo handbag, your "gelt" goes to China.
9. If you purchase Adidas sneakers--a favorite brand among teens--your "gelt" goes to China. (Note: In the 1960's, America made 98% of its shoes; it now imports more than 90% of its footware.)
10. If you buy a "sheitel" (wig), "sheitel.com, the online wig store, says that most human hair is obtained from Europe, China, Korea, Indonesia and India.
11. If you buy a Fendi bag, your "gelt" goes to Italy. (Take a Perillo tour...and visit your money!)
12. If you buy a Barbie doll, your "gelt"
goes to China, Indonesia and Malaysia.
Barbie dolls have never been made in
the U. S.
13. If you buy Levi jeans, your money goes to about 500 contractors in 50 countries, including Mexico, China, and Bangladesh. In Sept. of 2003, Levi announced that it would close the last of its North American manufacturing plants.
14. If you buy the "kinder" the iconic red Radio Flyer wagon, your "gelt" goes to China.
15. If you buy Apple Inc.'s iPod, the box
says it was made in China, but "DESIGNED IN CALIFORNIA." Dan
Ikenson, at the Cato Institute, says, "The imports of iPods support U.S.
jobs," including engineers, marketers
and advertisers.
16. If you buy Etch A Sketch, one of the 100 most memorable and most creative toys of the 20th century, your "gelt" goes to Shenzhen, China.
17, If you buy Ahava skin care products,
your "gelt" goes to Israel.
"Vunderlekh!" (Wonderful!)
We need to keep that "gelt" here in "Amerike."
You
can keep the money in "Amerike" by spending it at yard sales, "garazh" (garage)
sales, stoop sales,
going to "beysbol" games, or spending it
on "zyne" (beer)--domestic only-- since
those are the only businesses still in the
U.S.
If you purchase a Starbucks recession-friendly meal, such as oatmal and a tall latte for $3.95, you keep your "gelt" in "Amerike." But, when a Starbucks regular realizes that the $3.50 - $3.95 he spends every morning on the way to work adds up to nearly $1,000 yearly, he may decide that a good way to save "gelt" would be to brew some "kave" at home...or settle for Plain Ol' Joe. (Morning lattes have been cut back, as evidenced by the 600 Starbucks scheduled to be closed by the first half of 2009.)
_______________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe, who is mad at
disgraced investor, Bernard Madoff, will
invest $99.95 for a "Smash-Me Bernie"
doll that wears a devil-red suit and carries
a pitchfork. It comes with its own hammer -
so you can pulverize it.
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
| Yiddish
Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe |
Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World |