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A new study by Dr. Laura Mickes, published in Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, stated that men are perceived to be slightly funnier than women. Is it a stereotype that men are funnier...or do men tend to use profanity and sexual humor more often than women?
Susie Essman said, "Jews have been in comedy forever. But being female and being a comedian, that was much more of a novelty."
Shown below are some jokes told by famous comedians on various topics. You choose which is the funniest in each category.
KIDS
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It
leaves your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons Funniest
"My wife and I get headaches the same time. We would have divorced years ago
but neither of us wanted custody of the kid."
Joey Bishop Funniest
"My kid drives me nuts.
For three years
now he goes to private school. He won't
tell me where it is."
Rodney Dangerfield Funniest
"He was born at home, but when his mother saw him, she went to the hospital."
Henny Youngman Funniest
CATSKILLS
"Catskills, the only mountain range in the
world that if Obama bin Laden was hiding
there, somebody would say to him, 'Oh,
so you're single?'"
Billy Crystal Funniest
"When I play a date at a gentile club and I
get a headache--I'm not given to headaches, but once in a while I get a headache--I could walk around the area a whole day and not find a single person with aspirin. But when I used to walk into Grossinger's and say I have a headache, five thousand yentas were opening pillboxes."
Jackie Mason Funniest
TEETH
"In my family, the women die clutching their
teeth in one hand and a bottle of Miss
Clairol in the other."
Joy Behar Funniest
"People did not smile much in my neighborhood. At first I thought they were
unhappy, and then I realized that it was
probably because everyone seemed to have
teeth missing. Apparently, dentistry stopped at Exit 59 [on the L.I.E.]."
Source unknown Funniest
DRESS
"Women will be wearing the same thing in
brassieres this year."
Carol Burnett Funniest
"I'm sure my wife will live forever. She has
nothing but dresses she wouldn't be found
dead in."
Don Adams Funniest
"Princess Di wears more clothes in one day
than Gandhi wore in his whole life."
Joan Rivers Funniest
"Eighty-year-old Jewish women are walking
around with torn jeans on Fifth Avenue and
they call it couture."
Jackie Mason Funniest
"High heels should be outlawed (at the very
least there should be a five-day waiting
period before you can buy them). They
destroy your feet. It should be mandatory
that the Surgeon General print a warning
label on high heels like they do on a package of cigarettes (i.e. Warning: these
shoes can lead to lower back pain, aching
toes, and the illusion that you're taller than
you actually are).
Ellen DeGeneres Funniest
Happiness is "getting a brown gravy stain on a brown dress."
Totie Fields Funniest
[on her wearing furs, ruffles, and feathers]
"You look fat in fox anyway, so if you start
fat, you only look a little fatter."
Totie Fields Funniest
VASECTOMY
"I told my doctor, 'I want to get a vasectomy.' He said with a face like mine,
I don't need one."
Rodney Dangerfield Funniest
"A man had nine children and his wife told
him to get a vasectomy. So he got it done
at Sears. Now, whenever he makes love,
the garage door opens."
Henny Youngman Funniest
WEIGHT/FOOD
"What do you eat for dinner? Furniture?"
Don Rickles Funniest
"Have you heard about the remake of Passion Fish? It's called Gefilte Fish with
Barbra Streisand and Whoopy Goldberg.
Not to be missed."
Suzy Berger Funniest
"When I was a kid we all overate. The only
proof mamma had that she was a good
mother was the fact that her children were
fat. To my mother, if you didn't bulge, you
were skinny. I had 'baby fat' until I was 37
years old."
Sam Levenson Funniest
"The catch of the day was hepatitus."
Henny Youngman Funniest
"I used to look like Cary Grant, but not after
being hit with 19,000 pies."
Soupy Sales Funniest
[from "Good Morning World" - 1967]
"I have to go home and get my toast out of
the clothes dryer."
Goldie Hawn Funniest
VOTING/POLITICIANS
"I was going to vote for [Dan] Quayle, you
know, because I'm a comedian, and nothing
could be funnier than that."
Wendy Liebman Funniest
"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this
country are decent, hard-working, honest
Americans. It's the other lousy two percent
that get all the publicity. But then--we
elected them."
Lily Tomlin Funniest
"The problem with practical jokes is that
very often they get elected."
Will Rogers Funniest
LOVE, MARRIAGE & DIVORCE
"If love is the answer, could you please
rephrase the question."
Lily Tomlin Funniest
[advice for brides]
"Burn the toast so he won't notice the coffee."
Phyllis Diller Funniest
[revelations about her wacky family - in
Brooklynese]
She has "an aunt who advises her not to
sleep with a man before getting a ring...
saying, "No setting, no mounting."
Adrianna Tolsch Funniest
"If he's the best man why is the bride
marrying the groom?"
Jerry Seinfeld Funniest
"A bachelor is a man who never made the
same mistake once."
Ed Wynn Funniest
"Take my wife--please!"
Henny Youngman Funniest
"A Russian comedian has to be careful what
jokes he tells. If you say 'Take My Wife,
Please,' when you come home, she's gone."
Yaacov Smirnoff Funniest
"Divorce is when a husband no longer has to bring the money home to his wife--he
can mail it."
Joey Adams Funniest
TELEPHONE INSTALLATION
"Will you be home between April and
November?"
Lily Tomlin Funniest
PLASTIC SURGERY/BEAUTY
"This woman [Elizabeth Taylor] has more
chins than a Chinese phone book."
Joan Rivers Funniest
"I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd
look like without surgery."
Joan Rivers Funniest
"I have everything I had 20 years ago--only
it's a little bit lower."
Lucille Ball Funniest
"Madonna and Sean Penn--Beauty and the
beast, but guess which one."
Joan Rivers
MONEY
"Misers aren't fun to live with--but they make wonderful ancestors."
David Brenner Funniest
"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money, you can get a key made."
Joan Rivers Funniest
"Where it used to say 'In God We Trust,' it
now says 'Lotsa Luck.'"
Phyllis Diller Funniest
TELEVISION
"I think it's wonderful--I hardly ever watch
radio anymore."
Gracie Allen Funniest
(Note: Gracie Allen once ran for Governess
of the State of Coma.)
LOVE BOAT (The)
[while creating a character who was a child
who had long blond hair]
"When I get big, I'm going to get on 'The
Love Boat' but you have to have long blond
hair. I'm going to be blue-eyed and white.
I told my mother I didn't want to be black
no more." The only problem remaining
was how to get white, since 'bathing in
Clorox' didn't work."
Whoopi Goldberg Funniest
SEX EDUCATION
Teacher to parent: "...We had a little quiz
the other day on reproductive organs and
he [5-year-old son] defined every one of
them as Askyourfather. You are sending a
child into the world who thinks Masters
and Johnson is a golf tournament and
fertilization is something you do in the fall
to make the lawns green."
Erma Bombeck Funniest
LIQUOR
"I know my capacity for drinking--the only
trouble is I get drunk before I reach it."
Dean Martin Funniest
"When people ask me if Dean Martin drank,
let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in
the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary."
Red Buttons Funniest
GAMBLING/LAS VEGAS
"Out in Las Vegas, they have traffic lights
that say--'STOP'--'GO'--and '6 to 5 YOU'LL
NEVER MAKE IT.'"
Myron Cohen Funniest
"Oh, sure, nowadays they try to make it look like Vegas is a place where you should bring the whole family. There's amusement parks, rides, shows. Something for everyone.
But everything becomes clear when you put your kids on the Ferris wheel, then find out you can bet on them."
Ray Romano Funniest
SEX EDUCATION
"I'm against sex education in schools - What
these kids need is a book on how to avoid it."
Goldie Hawn Funniest
"My first guidance challenge appeared on the first day of my new assignment. A young girl told me that her friend was 'in trouble.' I knew and she knew that she didn't mean her friend had lost her report card. It seemed that while her friend had never learned to add, she had somehow learned to multiply." Sam Levenson "In One Era & Out the Other" Funniest
COLLEGE
"I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She
could've gone to UCLA here in California,
but it's one more letter she'd have to
remember. She's an A student. All she knows is how to say 'Ayyyyyy.'"
Shecky Greene Funniest
MOTHERS
"Red is a gang color; don't wear your red
bathrobe when you take out the garbage.
Underwire bras set off airlne security alarms. Always go to the bathroom before
getting on a long line. Gee, thanks, Mom."
Amy Borkowsky Funniest
"You know what my mother's attitude was
toward raising children? She used to say to
my father, 'Go outside and see what Sammy
is doing and tell him to stop.'"
Sam Levenson Funniest
INTELLIGENCE
[on actress Bo Derek]
"She turned down the role of Helen Keller
because she couldn't remember the lines."
Joan Rivers Funniest
"BELLYBUTTON" ("der pupik")
"I bought a camera the other day. I didn't
know the front from the back, so now I have
14 pictures of my navel!"
Morey Amsterdam Funniest
AGING
"I don't see myself aging. But one day it's
'do you feel a draft? Where's my shawl?'"
Michele Balan Funniest
ASKING DIRECTIONS
"My ancestors wandered in the wilderness
for 40 years because even in biblical times,
men would not stop to ask directions."
Elayne Boosler Funniest
NEW YORK
"The last time I went to New York it was
incredible. We circled the airport for hours.
What made it incredible is, we were on a
bus."
Jerry Lewis Funniest
"An ex-GI, undergoing an exam for appointment to the New York police force,
was asked, 'If your beat was a lonely path in
Central Park, and a beautiful young girl
rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her and
kissed her, what would you do?' The GI
replied without hesitation, 'I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Bennett Cerf Funniest
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