Tom O'Connor has a term for someone of
retirement age SENT to Miami:
"FLORIDATED."
After spending 16 winters in S. Florida,
what have I learned about Florida and the
Florida psyche?
Florida's population has declined for the first time since 1946. It
has decreased byabout 500,000 people between April 2008and April 2009.
Never pull up in front of the Fountainbleau or the Marriott South Beach, hand your luggage to the porter, and announce, "I've come here to spend 'der vinter.' The porter will reply, "You've come to the wrong place. We
don't have any vinter here!"
Watch out for "zunopbren"--a Yiddish word for sunburn.
In searching for the 'perfekt' condo to
purchase, you must give yourself "tsayt"
(time). You can't "stop on the way to the
airport" to buy a condominium.
When the National Weather Service says that South
Florida is experiencing an "ejection of moisture" coupled with "a strong clockwise circulation" around a high-pressure system, it means that it's going to be generally "paskudne" (rotten).
Husbands never ask driving directions to Shell World...or the Swap Shop.
Tiller and Toilers, the vegetable garden club members
at Sun City Center, pray for rain. When rain arrives, they pray for
sun.
When visiting Sawgrass Mills, the gigantic outlet
mall in Southeast US (2.2 million square feet), be sure to note "punkt" (exactly)
where you parked your car (Red Snapper, Blue Dolphin, Yellow Toucan, White
Seahorse, PInk Flamengo).
Spring Breakers don't always make it back to their
grandparents' "heym" (home) to sleep every night.
A New York tourism bureau announced that the Naked
Cowboy (Robert Burck) is the 3rd leading tourist attraction in NYC, after
the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building. The top attractions in Florida are Walt Disney World, Universal Studios, Sea World Orlando, Daytona Beach and South Beach. No,
it's not Bernie Madoff's luxurious Palm Beach mansion that's up for sale
for 11 million!
Read the signs on I-95 carefully...and then begin
to "lakhn" (laugh):
Florida this way. No, that way. Five miles. Wait..ten. Florida: Home of the edible chad. If you think we can't vote, wait 'til you see us drive.
Everyone in Florida loves this joke: The number one reason
Hurricane Season is like Christmas...is that at some point you're going
to have a tree in your house.
On the way to Florida, visit South of the Border,
located in Dillon, SC. This $40 million enterprise with nearly 20 shops, eateries, a motel, 2 gas stations, camp- grounds, fireworks, and a gigantic revolving sombrero is something to see. Over 500 couples have even had their wedding there! And that's no "bube meyse" (old
wives' tale)!
Join one of the many "Royt Hut" (Red Hat Society Chapters in Florida:
"Varicose Vixens" (Gainesville)
"Cherries Jubilee of the Space Coast" (Coca Beach)
"D.A.M.S.E.L. (Ditzy, Adorable, Mad, Sassy, Elegant Ladies) -
the Villages
"V.IP. (Vilagettes in Purple), the Villages
"A.I.R. Heads (Adorned in Red), Port Charlotte
"H.A.T.S. (Happy Attitude Toward Seniors) New Port Richey
"The Red Hot Senior-itas" (Fort Myers)
Read the columns of Frank Cerabino in the Palm Beach Post.
There's no truth to the sign posted in the lobby of a well-known
Miami Beach hotel: "The
Ocean Isn't Open."
The hippiest place to be in all of the Sunshine State is South
Beach on Miami Beach. All those old art deco hotels and restaurants are not to be missed. And watch out for those "dar" (skinny)
young things in black leather.
Steven Raichlen, in his book, "Miami Space" paints a lively picture of eating in Florida.
Between Entertainment coupons, Early Bird specials,
Mini-Lite Bite Deals, etc., it really doesn't pay to cook.
The classified ads in Florida make for great rainy-day entertainment. This
ad actually appeared in a Key West news- paper:
Now Hiring Food Servers. Job Requirements: Breathing: Both inhaling and exhaling. Hog Heaven Sports Bar and Food Emporium (Formerly Sandbar). Location:
Historic Islamorada.
Two college professors in Florida have developed a compound
that gets rid of yeast infection, athlete's foot and diaper rash, all with
one dose. (Oy! If
you've got all of those conditions, you'd better check into the nearest
health facility!)
Florida does not have a state "hakhnose-shtayer" (income
tax).
See Brad Zimmerman ("My Son the Waiter, A Jewish Tragedy" at the Kravis Center's Rinker Playhouse in WPB. Brad's mom is telling her friends: "If
all goes well, Brad is going to buy a bookcase."
Good deals on "condo packages" (white wicker bedrooms, floral
couches with matching love seats, and glass-topped dining-room tables)
are not usually found on Worth Avenue in Palm Beach.
Janine Birtolo and Rick Compton's
humorous glossary includes these four terms:
Chickee Hut: a thatched roof shelter originally developed
by the Seminoles; now most common at outdoor Happy Hours. Frog Strangler (AKA a "toad strangler"): any very heavy rain. NoSeeUms: biting insects, perhaps more pernicous than the mosquito, as they seem to be invisible. Their
visits show up later when little, itchy bites appear.
"Iz vasserschpritz" is a Yiddish term for waterfront property
in Florida.
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe agrees with
legislator, Debbie Wasserman Schultz,
that Key lime pie should be Florida's official state pie.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
