SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATION
(The Art of the Schmooze)

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Speed dating. 8-minute Dating. Darwindating.com--a dating site that accepts only good-looking members. 8 Inning Dating--where you sit with a different person for each inning as the Bronx Bombers battle the Kansas City Royals. And Trekpassionscom--which builds relationships that "live long and prosper" Fans of Star Trek, Star Wars, and Isaac Asimov can plan to meet at the next convention.

Lizz Winstead, the co-creater of The Daily Show, prefers the Bennigan's Method. She invites every "mystery man"/"blind date" to meet her at Bennigan's because no one she knew would ever set foot in a chain restaurant where we hear words like bloomin' and onion on the menu.

Rabbi Bob Alper ("Advertising for Love," Jewish World Review), described an ad which appeared in The Forward:

"Striking, sophisticated slender redhead, former model from the Midwest. Looking to meet charming, intelligent, fun loving, self-sufficient gentleman, 50-65, for mature relationship. Must have positive cash flow, a substantial amount of stocks and bonds, and have a terminal disease with no known heirs."

Before considering any dating services, perhaps our sons and daughters should follow the advice of Beth Mende Conny ("The Art of the Schmooze"):

"The art of schmoozing comes down to this: Make good eye contact, appear interested and encourage responses. Don't hog the floor, glance at your watch or insult someone's mama."

Shown below are snippets of imaginary conversations from an 8-minute Dating event in New York City. To keep conversations comfortable for everyone, participants are asked not to divulge their last name or phone number. By the way, the number eight is a symbol of two rings connecting and 8 minute Dating is all about keeping people connected with other people.

1. "...Kelly Ripa and I share a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously."

2. "People say that I have the same physique as American Idol winner, Ruben Studdart." (reply)
"Your Bubbie and Zeyda would have kvelled!"

3. "I'm glad we're only going to be sitting here for 8 minutes. No, it's not attention-deficit disorder (ADD); it's 'shpilkes.'"

4. "My last boyfriend called me his 'zisinker'--sweet one."

5. "...and my vanity license plate reads 'A MENSCH.'"

6. "Did you know that in this area of Manhattan there are only 90 men for every 100 women?"

7. "I'm just recovering from 'chuppah elbow.' Six of my friends got married this year"

8. "Did you ever make a heart shape out of Mother's Old World gefilte fish?"

9. "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales hems and haws. In Yiddish we call it 'funfen'--speaking through the nose, unclear, or double-talk."

10. "...love the theatre. Just saw the off- Broadway production of 'The J.A.P. Show"--Jewish American Princesses of Comedy' at the Actors Temple Theatre. Cory Kahaney, Jackie Hoffman, Cathy Ladman, and Jessica Kirson--what a foursome!

Those jokes that cracked up Bubbie and Zayde in the shtetl are still pretty darn funny. Jessica Kirkson says, 'My favorite backstage story about Totie [Fields]-- born Sophie Feldman, by the way--is one time she was opening for Ray Charles in Vegas. She asks for a bigger dressing room and they say, 'We're sorry, Miss Fields, that's for Ray Charles.' And Totie says, 'Oh, like he's gonna know!'"

11. "Sure I cook! You should taste my 'Omelet Alla Grand Concourse,' 'Chicken Alla Nudnik,' and 'Gefiltte Breast of Veal Ahftzza Luchas.' The recipes are from The Italian-Kosher Cookbook by Ruth and Bob Grossman.

12. "Are you wearing a yarmulke with a Boston Red Sox logo on it?"

13. "Did I tell you that my user name on JewishAmericansingles.com is 'Yaacov Yahoo'?"

14. "You're MUCH TOO YOUNG to remember the tag line from Paul's resort in Swan Lake, New York: HONEYMOONERS TREATED WITH STUDIED NEGLECT."

15. "My smooth complexion? The NEW Atkins Clear Skin Schmaltz Diet!"

16. "Thanks for the 16-oz. Gold Box Bartonettes--the one with the menu chart showing what chocolates are in the box. Walgreen's?"

17. "...and your mother serves 'Challah- flavored Tortillas'?"

18. "Did you hear that Ben & Jerry's is marketing a matzah-flavored 'ayzkrem' in Israel? 'Matzah Crunch' was developed exclusively for the Jewish state. The French vanilla-flavored 'ayzkrem' contains chips of chocolate- covered matzah and costs about $4.50 a pound."

19. "When did 'chaver' (pal/friend) become 'khaver'?"

20. "You're going to get a 'Chaiatal hernia' if you continue wearing chai's which are too heavy."

21. "I work for an HMO in Manhattan. This is actually a variation of the common phrase, 'HEY MOE.' Its roots go back to the concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, which discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye."

22. "I just received my Spring 2007/5767 catalog from 'The Source for Everything Jewish.' Can't wait to order the 'Mah Jongg Maven' purse for cash winnings."

23. "You've NEVER heard of DR. POONIM, the plastic surgeon in the comic strip, Joe Palooka?"

24. "I know it's not Dress Down Friday I'm wearing my 'blekene heyzn' (work pants/jeans) because I didn't have time to change after work." 25. "Sure I know the words to the Jewish Country & Western song, 'The Tennessee Mohel!'"

26. "Imagine! John Edwards paid $400 to have his 'hor' cut by "der sherer"--the hairstylist-- Joseph Torrenueva. This 'frugalflaunt' goes to Super Cuts and pays $12."

27. "I run financial seminars for Merrill Lynch. My advice? 'Buy Rosh Hashana; Sell Yom Kippur.' Just kidding!"

28. "I own a 'Schipperke.' No, it's not a Yiddish word; it's one of those non- sporting dogs like the Lhasa Apso."

29. "Do you think that there's a link between yarmulke-wearing and male-pattern baldness?"

30. "You're BAGELICIOUS--a Lenore Skenazy term for an attractive or voluptuous young woman, usually Jewish."

31. "I'd like to take you to see the off-B'way show, "My Mother's Italian, My Father's Jewish and I'm in Therapy!' starring Steve Solomon. The reviews said, "One part lasagna, one part kreplach and two parts prozac...Now I know what it feels like to leave a family dinner with 'harts-brenenish' (heartburn) and a 'kopveytik' (headache)."

32. "What do you think of MIchael Bloomberg"?
(reply)
"What team is he on?"

33. "...and I tend to agree with Helen Broderick in TOP HAT: 'The only difference in men is the color of their neckties.'"

34. "I do my banking at Liberty Pointe Bank. Their motto: 'We understand you.'"
(reply)
"I bank at Bank Leumi. I have 'mishpocheh' there."

35. "What the Dell? Is that my laptop exploding?"

_____
Marjorie G. Wolfe adheres to the following life lessons:
#3 When someone asks you a 'frage' (question) and you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'"

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!