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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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*In Yiddish, a bedbug is called a "vantz."
Robert Hendrickson ("New Yawk Tawk - A Dictionary of New York City Expressions") defines "bedbug" as follows:
A crazy person; someone who acts crazy. Often used in the old expression, crazy as a bedbug," after the bedbug's frantic running around in all directions when exposed. An example would be, "I don't know who shot him--who knows who done it with all the bedbugs in this country?"
"The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor" by Henry D. Spalding contains the following joke:
A haggard guest checked out of the dilapidated hotel very early in the morning. The sleepy-eyed desk clerk accepted the room key and said, "Goodbye, sir. I hope you slept well last night."
"I slept like a log, if you must know," snapped the departing guest.
"But your poor bed-bugs--they were up all night!"
The Metropolitan Diary had two "vunderlekh" (wonderful) stories about bedbugs:
Sept. 26, 2011
Ilene Starger wrote:
Dear Diary:
I recently attended a matinee at an Upper East Side movie theater ("der kino"). Before the film began, I heard the repeated rustling of plasticbags behind me, which did not bode well. I turned around to witness the female half of an older couple unfurling plastic bags of a type that new pieces of furniture ("mebl") are swathed in.
The woman then energetically proceeded to encase her seat ("zitsort") and that of her companion, in the large plastic bags.
I was at first transfixed, then transported back in time to the homes of various relatives and friends' parents whose living room furniture was swaddled in plastic seat covers to protect it from dirt ("shmuts") and daily wear and tear.
Amused, and believing that the woman placed the plastic over the seats to avoid stain ("flek") and germs, I overheard the one word ("vort") in her conversation to her companion that offered another explanation: "bedbugs." Sitting in my non-plastic-protected movie seat, I was suddenly a bit less relaxed as I settled in to watch the film.
August 29, 2011
Wendi S. Berger wrote:
Dear Diary:
In March, I took my toddler for his appointment to our pediatrician on the Upper East Side. In the busy waiting room, we sat next to two well-dressed mothers, who were chatting while their 7-year-old son played together.
"You'll have to come over and see my electronic truck!" one boy said.
"Yeah? Well, you'll have to come over and see my new bedbugs!" the other said.
His horrified mother immediately ("teykef") broke out of her conversation and announced to the entire waiting room, "That's BUNK BEDS, Jack!" (NOTE: The Yiddish words have been added by the writer.)
Yes, bedbugs ("vantz") are those wingless, evasive insects that transmit no disease ("krankayt") but feast on blood as people sleep ("shlof"). They can be found in dormitories, hotels and nursing homes, and even in residences that are considered upscale.
Yes, when bedbugs check in, guests check out! In 2011, New York's famed Waldorf-Astoria faced another bedbug lawsuit. For the third time they were accused of not doing enough ("genug") to prevent bedbugs. A Maryland guest was seeking $10 million in damage; she claims to have been bitten in August of 2007. And in 2006 there was a $20 million suit against the now-closed Nevele Grand Hotel. Leslie Fox sued the 700-room Ellenville, NY hotel after she had 500 bedbug bites while staying there. Her lawyer said the sheets on her bed were speckled with the woman's blood. The bedbugs apparently had dined on Fox during the night. When Fox reported to the hotel officials that their room was infested, the officials offered two FREE ("umzist") nights. Fox declined. She was just itching to leave!
Abercrombie & Fitch found bedbugs in its South Street Seaport location. The bedbugs forced the store to close temporarily; they reopened after the problem was eliminated.
And, to further complicate things, people displaced to shelters from their homes following superstorm Sandy, have found bedbugs. A tip for them: avoid the "black ninja outfits." Stick with light-colored clothing so the insect anywhere from 1 mm to 7 mm, can be easily spotted.
So far this year, the Nassau County (NY) health department has responded to 32 bedbug complaints in rental properties, not including ones in incorporated villages and cities.
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MARJORIE GOTTLIEB WOLFE has NEVER had "vantz." But if she should, she'll never deal with a company that advertises:
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED or DOUBLE YOUR BEDBUGS BACK.
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