THE SERMON
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

I have never been called upon to deliver a sermon--even when my rabbi had "heyzerkayt" (hoarseness) and "haltsveytik" (sore throat).  But just in case this should happen, I've chosen a topic which is relevant to the real needs of the audience. I'll stick to the topic; I'll make it brief.  Maybe the congregants will even give me a "kompliment."

My thoughts turn to these sermon titles:

.  "You Can't Do It Alone in New York"
.  "Don't Forget the Kosher Birdseed"
.  "Don't Just Do Something...Sit There!"
.  "Zagat's Guide to Restaurant Religion"
.  "Is That Your Final Answer?"
.  "Show Me the Gelt"
.  "Do You Know the 'Shabbes goy?'"
.  "Velcro Kids"

After receiving a wonderful  story about "kinderlekh" (an affectionate term for children), I've added some Yiddish words, and titled my sermon, "Learning More Than Alef-Bais."

Come with me to a third-grade "klastsimer" (classroom).  There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his "shraybtish" (desk) and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.  He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened.  It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it.  When "di meydlekh" (the girls) find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays,  "Dear   G-d.  This is an emergency ("noytfal")!  I need help now!  Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.  'Zol Got mir helfen!'  (May God help me.)"

He looks up from his prayer book ("sidder") and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that say he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with "vaser." Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of "vaser" in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be "broygez" (angry), but all the while is saying to himself, "A dank" (Thank you), Lord!  Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of "khoyzek" (ridicule), the boy is the object of sympathy.  The teacher rushes him "untn" (downstairs) and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. "Dos mitgefil" (the sympathy) is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been HIS has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.  'You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for "der oytobus" (the bus), the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?'  Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once, too.'
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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe wishes her readers "a zisn yor."

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