the schmooze
(Yiddish for "I have a secret for you")

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

"Ikh Hob Far Dir A Sod" is a song composed by Lazar Weiner (1897-1982.

I've Got a Secret" was a weekly game show created by Allan Sherman. The show was originally hosted by Garry Moore. Later Moore was replaced by Steve Allen. A number of notable people appeared with secrets, including Col. Hartland Sanders ("I started my business with my first social security check.")

An ad blitz for Secret Deodorant asks women to spill it all to "di velt" (the world) - or at least to the millions that pass through Midtown Manhattan.

Here are some "secrets" that I'm sharing:

. I didn't make the guest list for Chelsea Clinton's "khasene" (wedding) to Mark Mezvinsky. "Es iz nokh di khasene." (It's not important now. It's after the wedding.)

. I can identify Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of the reality TV show, "The Jersey Shore." President Obama couldn't when he appeared on "The View."

. I've never tasted "He'brew beer, the chosen beer."

. I recently asked my 17-year-old "eynikl" (grandchild), Amanda, "Who is Lady GaGa"?

. I'm not the "perfekt tsen" (perfect 10).

. I recently told my husband that "Jewry is just letters away from "jewelry." (Source: "1,003 Great Things About Being Jewish" by Birnbach, Hodgman & Stone)

. I never ordered an iced carmel Macchiato decaf with skim and whipped cream on the side at Starbucks.

. Joan Rivers and I both own the same decorative pillow. It says, "IT'S JUST AS LONELY AT THE TOP, ONLY YOU EAT BETTER."

. Mel Gibson hurls the "N" word; so do I! "Nudnik!"

. My favorite expression is "SBN" (South Bronx Neshugedacht"); you shouldnt know from it.

. Madonna may have studied Kabbalah, but I once enrolled in a course titled, "Making It With Mademoiselle"--a sewing course for Home Eco majors.

. I never over-analyze my "khasene" (marriage) of 52 years. That's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

. I once sang the song, "It's The Most Meshugganah time of the Year." (Source: "Chrismukkah - The Merry Mish-Mash Holiday Cookbook" by Ron Gompertz)

. I recently bought a handbag at "Seconds To Go"--a thrift shop. Nu, so I'm a "frugalflaunt."

. I've been accuxsed of "kidyapping"-- failure to get off the subject of my 3 "kinderlech" (children").

. I'm looking for a bookstore ("bikhr-krom") that advertises, "All You Can Read, $29.95." (Ziggy cartoon)

. I love the Philologus column in The Forward.

. American Express once called and said, "Leave home without it!"

. I've never had the 7-Eleven Big Gulp, the 40-oz. drink served in a red paper cup the size of my kinder's head.

. My father, Bernard Gottlieb, is 98 years "alt" and is relatively "gezunt" (healthy). "Got tsu danken!" (Thank G-d.) . I get confused between a "high five" and a "fist bump"

. I once thought that an "Ovarium" was a seminar where women are present.

. I've never become a Facebook celebrity.

. I don't like Jackie Mason! During a performance at Feinstein's at Loews Regency in NYC, Mason referred to Obama as a "schwartza." Some say the word is equivalent to the "N" word. And someone in "der oylem" (the audience) said, "He's more offensive to the Jews than Madoff tonight."

. I attended a networking workshop titled, "Business Cards and Beach Towels."

. My beautician said, "A shain ponim kost gelt" (a pretty face costs money).

. My favorite song is George Burns' "I Wish I Were Eighteen ("akhtsn") Again."

. I vacationed with "mama and tatteh" in the Borscht Belt. The hotel we stayed at ran a tag line that read: "Honeymooners treated with studied neglect."

. I told my three sons--in jest--that a "Levite" is someone who wears jeans religiously.

. I agree with author, Sharon Kahn ("Never Nosh a Matzo Ball") that "a matzo ball a day keeps a heart attack away."

. I define "VD" as Voo Den? or Volume Discount.

. I asked my family to name my last grandson "Yonah Schimmel," after the famous knish bakery. P.S. He's named "Connor!"

. My favorite book dedications: "For Rob and Sophie, mainly because I love them more than I can say, but also because someday they will be paying for my Social Security." Dave Barry, "Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway"

"Dedicated to my mother--who made me eat everything on my plate--and then told me to go on a diet." Linda Sunshine, "Plain Jane Works Out"


. My last meal on "di erd" (the earth) will be a King Size bar of chocolate covered Joyva Halvah--and a "gleyzel tey" (a glass of tea)


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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