ROBOT REDFORD, HUMPHREY ROBOT, & MR. MILLENNIA by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Metbank hired Mr. Millennia, a walking, talking robot, to distribute "umzist" (free) $5 bills on Fifth Avenue in New York City to show potential customers it's a bank with a human "harts" (heart). Passerby got their cash if they could answer one of Mr. Millennia's questions correctly.

"The questions aren't that hard," said a spokesman for Mark DeFazio, president and CEO of Metbank. The robot's question-and-answer banter was aided with an unseen handler at wireless controls some distance away.

As I approached the robot, I felt like Gertrude Berg (Molly Goldberg): "Ken you emagine, you put your mout here and you give a talk to a 'kompyter.' 'Hulloh!' and right awa y it henswers you beck. Soch a brains vat pipple got. Robots, 'elektronish post' (e-mail), 'der tselularer telefon" (cell phone), and 'anderer' (other) things."

The robot asked me to define a "drive-in window" at a bank. I said that it was "an institution invented by the financial community to allow the REAL OWNER of your car to get to see it once in a while."

The second question: "What is a Bernadette"? I replied, "The act of torching a mortgage."

The third question: "How would you define a bank?" I said that it was "a place that will lend you the 'gelt' (money) if you can prove you don't need it."

The fourth question: "What is meant by balancing the checkbook?" My reply: "To go to the cash machine and select INQUIRE."

The final question, "How do women--in general--use the ATM?"

I asked Mr. Millennia if he understood Yiddish, and he replied, "a bisel" (a little). My answer:

HOW WOMEN USE THE ATM

1. Drive up to "mezumen mashin" (cash machine)
   
2. Go "ahin un k'rik" (back and forth) to align car "fentster" (window) to "mashin"
   
3. Re-start the stalled engine
   
4. Wind down the "fentster"(window)
   
5. Find "tash" (purse/handbag), remove all contents on to "pasazhir" (passenger) seat to locate ATM card
   
6. Locate make-up bag. Check "manikur" (manicure) and make-up in rear view "shpigl" (mirror)
   
7. Attempt to insert card into "mashin." "Shver!" (Difficult!) "Zolst nit visn fun azelkhe tsore s." (May you not know of such troubles.)
   
8. Open car "tis" (door) to allow easier access to "mashin" due to its excessive distance from the car
   
9. Insert card
   
10. Re-insert card the right way "aroyf" (up)
    
11. Re-enter "tash" (handbag) to find diary with PIN written on the "ineveynik" (inside) back page. Recheck "manikur" (manicure). One broken "nogl" (fingernail.)
    
12. Enter PIN
    
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
    
14. Enter amount of "mezumen" (cash) required
    
15. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror.
    
16. Retrieve "mezume" (cash) and receipt.
    
17. Empty "tash" again to locate purse and; place cash inside; accidentally hit "fents-tehr-vee-shehr" (windshield wiper). Cuss word......
    
18. Place receipt in back of "check bee-kh'l" (checkbook)
    
19. Drive forwards "zibn" (7) feet
    
20. Reverse back to cash "mashin." 'GOTENYU!" (Oh, my God!)
    
21. Retrieve card
    
22. Re-empty "tash," locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
    
23. Re-check 'kosmetik" (make-up) again. "Sheyn" (pretty).
    
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
    
25. Drive for "dray" (3) miles to "fir" (4) miles on the Long Island Expressway
    
26. "Ahf tsores" (in trouble). Releas e "hant" (hand) brake.

home

Search for Stories Beginning with the Letter

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

Y

Z

___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!