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PURIM S.A.T.*
*Such A Treat
No doubt you've heard of the Jewish test maven, Stanley H. Kaplan. When people asked him what the "H" stands for, he would say "Higher scores" or, with a sly wink, "Preparation." IF Mr. Kaplan were to create a Purim S.A.T. in celebration of the Annual Symposium, "The Latke-Hamantash Debate," what questions might he include? (The purpose of the Symposium is to answer the question, "How does the round pancake square off against the tri-corner pastry?)
Grab a #2 "blayer" (Yiddish for pencil) and let's see how well you do on this not-so-serious quiz. A perfect score? 2400! Don't "dayge" (worry). Once in 4th grade, Stanley Kaplan got a B-plus on his report card and was so stunned that he wandered aimlessly around Avenue K in Flatbush, Brooklyn, ashamed to show the grade to his mother.
TEST
1. According to the late Leo Rosten
("Hooray For Yiddish"),
A) The correct way to pronounce Purim
is to use the "u" of "pure"
B) Purim is pronounced POOR-im
C) "Ver vaist"? (Who knows?)
2. Which Professor penned these lines:
Though David admired Bathsheba's torso
He liked her hamantashen more so.
A) Professor Irwin Corey (The World's
Foremost Authority). There's the story
about Corey, who was performing at
a hotel in the Catskills. Irwin had
arrived early for an evening
performance and decided, in his own
capricious way, to replace the maitre d'
and seat the guests. A particularly
heavy ("zoftic") woman arrived alone
at the dining room door. Corey
greeted her, "Good evening, madam. How many are you?"
B) Professor Alan Dershowitz
C) Professor Ralph Marcus
3. Rabbi Marc Gellman uses the following ingredients in his recipe for latke (potato pancakes):
two extra large eggs
1/2 oz. kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 lb. flour
5 lbs. potatoes
1 lb. peeled and trimmed onions
peanut oil
Marc Gellman is
A) Editor of the magazine, "Heeb"
B) One half of "The God Squad"
C) A member of the motorcycle club,"Chai Riders"
D) President of the motorcycle club,"Members of the Tribe"
4. According to Rabbi Adam ("Jooz Nooz"),
there is a short summary for every
Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us, we
won, now let's eat."
A) True
B) False
5. According to Michael Chertoff, Jewish
children will be subject to random
Shalach Manos searches this Purim
season. Additionally, local police have
been ordered to detain any individuals
appearing to be Haman, Dathan, Aviram,
Ahasueros, or other characters designed
to evoke fear. :-) (Martin Bodek,
TheKnish.com)
A) True
B) False
6. A "Purim-shpiel" is a rowdy play
on the Megillah story (or other theme)
traditionally performed on Purim.
A) True
B) False
7. According to Ohr Somayach Int'l, "10
Ways to Know When You Have Drunk
Enough on Purim," includes
A) You begin speaking Yiddish with a
Sephardic accent
B) You agree with hamentashen...and
lose
C) You ask people how many candles
they lit last night
D) You begin telling awful jokes
Avraham: "Waiter, waiter, I'm in a
hurry. Will my
humantashen be long?"
Waiter: "No, sir, it will be
triangular."
8. On Purim,
A) Children use noisemakers to blot out
Haman's name whenever it is
mentioned
B) Gifts of food are sent to friends and
neighbors
C) Jews are permitted to drink until
they're "shiker" (drunk/intoxicated)
D) All of the above
9. Which cartoonist said, "Your latkes need
work. The children are mistaking them
for dreidels"?
A) Rich Tennan ("The Fifth Wave")
B) Lynn Johnston ("For Better or Worse")
C) Dean Young ("Blondie"
10. Rain Pryor, daughter of the late
comedian, Richard Pryor, starred in a
one-woman show titled,
A) "H is for Hamantashen and Haman"
B) "Fried Chicken & Latkes"
C) "Vemen baristu?" (Whom are you
kidding?)
11. Shalamith, who lives on a steep "bergl" (hill) works at a kosher "bekeray" (bakery) which specializes in baking hamantashen.
She goes to work by "velosiped" (bicycle) at an average speed
of 20 miles an hour. Work is 10 miles away. She returns home at an average
speed
of 15 miles per hour along the same
10-mile route. How long does she
spend commuting each "mes-les"
(24-hour period)?
A) 30 minutes
B) 35 minutes
C) 40minutes
D) 60 minutes
E) 70 minutes
12. Who wrote "Ode to a Latke":
A Jew develops from a cradle
A craving for a knish and kneydl.
He'll glorify gefilte fish,
But I, I love the latke dish.
A) Prof. Edward Stankiewicz
B) Mal Z. Lawrence
C) Freddie Roman
D) Myron Cohen
Esterita "Cissie" Blumberg
("Remembering The Catskills") wrote
that when Myron performed in the
Catskills, Mrs. Cohen would sit with
her back to the stage, knitting,
during her husband's performance! "I can't watch him one more
time"
said Miriam Cohen.
13. Complete this definition of the word "latkes":
A pancake-like structure not to be
confused with anything the _____________ would put out. In a latke, the
oil is in the meal. Latkes can be eaten
with apple sauce, but NEVER with
maple syrup. There is a rumor that
in the time of the Maccabees they lit
a latke by mistake and it burned for
eight days. What is certain is you will
have heart burn ("harts-brenenish")
for the same amount of time.
A) House of Pancakes
B) IHOP
C) Cracker Barrel
D) Ratner's
14. According to Eric Sommer, this year
prime-time TV networks have agreed
to create Purim episodes of popular
TV shows. One example: NYPD. In a
sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a
group of Chassidim come to the
precinct to report that their Megillah
has been stolen. Sipowicz comments
that "them Jews sure use a lot of
scrolls," then goes undercover once
again as a Chasid to catch the culprit.
At one point, tensions arise between
Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused
of not doing enough to help the
Chassidim because he is black.
Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and Medavoy
pursue a serial killer who has been
attacking his victims dressed up as
Haman. The suspect is captured, and
he turns out to be a schizophrenic, who
actually believes himself to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his
delusion, comes into the coffee room dressed as
Queen Esther, at which point the killer
confesses and begs for mercy.
A) True (according to Eric Sommer)
B) False
ANSWERS:
1. B
2. C
3. B
4. A
5. A
6. A
7. A, B, and C
8. D
9. A
10. B
11. E
12. A
13. A
14. A :-)
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is from the generation of Kaplan students who were taught "boo, boo, boo, square root of two," to help them remember how the Pythagorean formula applies to an isosceles right triangle.
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