the schmooze

Chapter 3. How To Feed Your "Kats' Matzo

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Passover is just around the corner. My friend, Sylvia Weber, loves "kats" (cats). During her seder, guests will, no doubt, hear the following Haiku taken from David M. Bader's book, "Haikus For Jews":

Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
NOW our cat is gone.

If you have a "kats," be sure to read the following chapter on "How To Feed Your Cat Matzo":

1. Grasp "kats" firmly in your arms. Cradle it "kop" (head) on your"elnboygn" (elbow) . Coo with "tsutroy" (confidence), "That's a nice kitty." Drop matzo into "moyl"(mouth).

2. Retrieve "kats" from top of "lomp" (lamp) and matzo from under "sofe" (sofa).

3. Follow same procedure as #1, but hold cat's front "lapes"(paws) down with left "hant" (hand) and back paws down with "elnboygn" (elbow) of right arm. Poke matzo into its "moyl" (mouth) with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve "kats" from under "di bet" (bed). (Resist impulse to get a new "kats."

5. Again, proceed as in#1, except when you have the "kats" firmly cradled in feeding position, sit down on edge of "shtul" (.chair) fold your torso over "di kats,' bring your right "hant' over your left elbow, open cat's "moyl" by lifting the upper "kayer" (jaw) and pop the matzo in with a "shnel" (quick) motion. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave 'kats" hanging on drapes. Leave matzo in your "hor' (hair).

7. If you're a "froy'(woman), have a good "veynen" (cry). If you're a "zokher" (man), have a good "veynen."

8. Now pull "zikh" (yourself) together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and matzo. Assuming position #1, say sternly "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's "moyl', take matzo and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Feeling 'shvakh" (faint)? Think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. It's a "zind" (sin) to waste food! And your "kats"deserves to know what it tastes like "ITST" (NOW)!

10. Crawl to linen "shafe" (closet). Drag back a large beach "hantekh" (towel). Spread "hantekh" on floor.

11. Retrieve "kats" from "kikh" (kitchen) counter and matzo from potted plant.

12. Spread "kats" on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's "fornt" (front) and "rukh" (back) legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten "kats")

14. Roll "kats" in towel. Work "shnel" (fast); time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left "hant" to cat's head. Press its "moyl" (mouth) at the jaw hinges like opening the petal of a snapdragon.

16. Drop matzo into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It' done!

17. Use "di shtoybzoyer" (the vacuum cleaner) for the loose fur (cat's). Apply 'der bandazh" (the bandage) to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

19. Resume steps 1 - 18 at each feeding time until the matzo is "farbay" (gone) or until:

a)someone gives you a Jewish "murashke" (ant) farm. b) you hear a "hungerik" (hungry) mockingbird chirping "Hava Nagila." c) your pet chihuahua says, "Yo te quiero taco matzo"


Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe says "A dank" (thank you) to the following website:


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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