NEVER "ESN" AT MOM'S PLACE

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

It's "vakatsye" (vacation) time! I fell in love with Martha's Vineyard in 1982 and nearly every year I go back there, finding the " bakant" (familiar) places and discovering some wonderful new things about the island.

As my husband and I ride the Islander from Woods Hole, it looks like such a little island. However, when you take a "velosiped" (bicycle) up some of the hills, it seems endless

The "zumer" (summer) people fill the place to overflowing and life comes to the island. Outside of the Daggett House in Edgartown, where we used to stay before it was sold, I watch the "yung" and "alt," families, lovers and lonely ones board the ferry to Chappaquiddick.

Dinnertime nears and my husband, Howard, and I begin our daily "diskusye" (discussion): "Where shall we eat tonight?" In Yiddish, I'm what you call a "fresser," a big eater, a gourmand. I love restaurants... particularly Lambert's Cove Inn & Restaurant in West Tisbury.

Oscar Wilde once said, "I have quite a taste of my own. I am always content with the best." Adhering to that "filosofye," I have prepared the following guidelines for selecting/avoiding, recommending/not recommending restaurants on the Vineyard:

. Triple Shaker Rule
Avoid all restaurants that have three shakers on every table: "zalts" (salt), "fefer" (pepper) and Alka-Seltzer.

. Cuteness Rule
Do not frequent any eating establishment with cute names like Pizza Pious, Crepes of Wrath, Phanthom of the Omlet, China Diner, O Sole Mio, or the Boston Sea Party. Exceptions: Blazing Salads, The Brass Bass Restaurant, The Orient Express, and Wok Out.

. Calendar Rule
William Least Heat Moon, author of Blue Highways," suggests that there's one infallible way to find honest food at just prices: count the wall calendars in a cafe. No calendar: same as an interstate pit stop. One calendar: preprocessed food assembled in New Jersey. Two calendars: can't miss on the farm-boy breakfasts. Four calendars: try the home-made pie, too. Five calendars: keep it under your hat, or they'll franchise.

. Spiffy Law
Avoid a restaurant which looks as if they were decorated by a wildlife film maker from the National Geographic "televisye" series, "Wild Cargo."

. Famous People Rule
Avoid any eating establishments that advertise: Art Buchwald, James Beard, Ruth Gordon, Gael Greene, Vance Packard, and Clara Peller (the "Where's the beef" lady) ate here.

. Gimmick Rule
Stay clear of any Vineyard restaurants that resort to any of the following gimmicks:

Two-fer tickets to the Celebrity "Hats off" Auction with an order for the "Chef's Special." (Of course! It's seventy-five bucks!)

Free use of video games while you wait to be seated. Remember Bruce Feirstein's advice: "Real Men don't play games in restaurants." One exception: "The Game of Edgartown"!

. Phyllis Diller Rule
Avoid any restaurant which serves any Phyllis Diller specialty: "Heartburn Salad Dressing," "Glory Glory Cacciatore," or " Philly Dilly's Chilli."

. Taste Makes Waist Rule (AKA "Zoftic" Rule)
Patronize any restaurant where the chef proudly wears an apron with a silkscreened message that says: SKINNY COOKS CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

. Less Than Obvious Rule
Be sure to visit any restaurant that is situated in a less-than-obvious location. For example: Lambert's Cove Country Inn. To enjoy their Duck Steaks With Strawberries, with a strawberry grand marnier sauce, one must enter a seemingly remote, incredibly beautiful, half-mile long stone-walled road.

. Educate Children at Mealtime Rule
Avoid restaurants with wipe-clean vinyl place maps or paper place maps which are instructional. Ex. "Itchi Ban" in Japanese means "Number one" or "the best." Ex. "Today's vocabulary word: Chippino: seafood stew Ex. The Yiddish expression, "Gehakte leber iz beser vi gehakte tsores" means "Chopped liver is better than chopped up troubles."

Exception: The "Home Port" in Menemsha uses placemats to teach its diners how a lobster is caught and how to eat (and enjoy) the lobster.

. Fortune Cookie Rule
Avoid all restaurants which offer Misfortune Cookies with scraps of wisdom which read:

YOU HAVE REALIZED YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. IT'S DOWNHILL FROM HERE ON IN.

Visit restaurants which serve Ethnic Fortune Cookies:

MAY YER LUCK BE LIKE THE CAPITAL OF IRELAND--ALWAYS DUBLIN.

. Heimlich Rule
Avoid any restaurants that have the Heimlich anti-choking poster hung upside down

. Celebration Rule
Do not frequent any restaurants which celebrate "Kitcheneering Week," " International Pickle Week," or "National School Lunch Week." Do celebrate " National Soup Month" by enjoying a cup of New England clam chowder at the Navigator Restaurant.

. Grim Statistics Rule
Do not dine at any restaurant which contains a poster illustrating the Marine Disasters of Martha's Vineyard:

Edgartown

Sch. Willow 1854
Sch. G. W. Rawley 1898
Ga. s Mildred 1944
Ga. s Thelma 1905

_______
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is one of the few Long Islanders who can ask the question," Can I have a doggie bag?" in 8 different languages.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!