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*Yiddish expression meaning, "From your mouth to God's ears"
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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*Yiddish expression meaning, "From your mouth to God's ears"
Don't get "krank" (sick)! In Dr. Jerome Groopman's book, "How Doctors Think" we're introduced to the term "diagnosis momentum"--when a diagnosis becomes fixed in the mind of a physician despite incomplete evidence.
Some physicians have the tendency to judge the likelihood of a medical event by the ease with which examples come to mind. On one occasion, Groopman himself received four different opinions on what is causing debilitating pain and swelling in his right "hant" (hand).
As Sam Anderson wrote in New York Magazine, "These days, for every appointment with an actual doctor, the average person probably undergoes 300 virtual appointments via ER, House, Gray's Anatomy, Scrubs, and self-diagnosis sites like Web M.D."
We can add "General Hospital," which recently celebrated 45 years of broadcasting. The tradition of passion, intrigue, adventure and mal-practice takes place in the fictional town of Port Charles. And this "sezon" comes a new medical drama about two elite neurosurgeons who have different takes on how to treat their patients. One cares about them and only cares about their brains. Stanley Tucci is a brilliant neurosurgeon and one of the best in NYC. His method is simple. The brain is like a wire box and the patient is not important because that is just the outside.
Shown below is a verbatim record of numerous conversations shared between a "dokter" and a "patsyent" on a typical Monday morning. The physician, in each case, arrived at a working diagnosis within 20 seconds. Sometimes he was "rikhtik" (right), but not always.
"Hello, Doctor. I like to interact with and keep track of what my friends are doing/ thinking/reading, but...
"Facebookphobia!"
"Hi, Doc. With the November elections rapidly approaching, I can't sleep. The most pressing question in this presidential campaign...
"Obamaphobia--a condition wherein someone suffers from obsessive negative delusions regarding Barack Obama. Those afflicted are often prone to propagation of false rumors about Obama in an attempt to discredit him, seemingly out of irrational fear of him and his candidacy. Misquotes, twisting of facts, contextually inaccurate statements, and flat out lies that play on xenophobia prejudices and exaggerated jingoistic nationalism are staple attacks used by the Obamaphobe."
"Hello, Doc. I just arrived home after a 20-hour flight to Britain from Australia. My legs are killing...
"Deep-vein thrombosis--or "Economy class syndrome."
Doctor, I need help. My mobile phone...
"Nomophobia! The fear of being out of mobile phone contact, or fear that the phone will lose its charge or be misplaced."
"Hi, Doc. I'm playing basketball and tennis and...
"Weekend Warrior Syndrome (AKA "Rotator cuff injury). That's when a game of pickup basketball on "shabes" (Saturday) leaves you sore for a week or when a few hours of tennis make it painful to turn off the alarm clock for five days running."
"Hello, Doctor. I think I'm suffering from Bill...
"Billford Ache--a pain caused by an unnecessarily overstuffed wallet."
"Hello, Doc Listen, I have this fear of throwing things away, especially income-tax forms, telephone bills, and...
"Collyers Mansion Syndrome" or "Collyers Brothers Syndrome." The Collyer Brothers were 2 American brothers who became famous because of their snobbish nature, filth in their home, and compulsive hoarding. They obsessively collected newspapers, books, furniture, musical instruments, and many other items with booby-traps set up in corridors and door- ways to protect against intruders. Both were eventually found dead in the Harlem brownstone, surrounded by over 100 tons of rubbish."
"Doctor, I know that I need a heart value replacement and that could run between $68,000 and $198,000 in the U. S., but only about $18,000 in India...
"Medical tourism! Zayt gezunt! So long! Be healthy!"
"Doctor, I just finished celebrating my 92 birthday and I'm in pain...
"Bobbe (grandmother), Dorothy, when one approaches the century mark, all kinds of little ailments, aches and pains happen. I am a doctor, not a 'kishef-makher' (magician). I cannot make you any younger."
"Younger? Who's asking you should make me any younger? Just do me a favor and make me grow older...lots older."
"Doctor, my thumb hurts and...
"BlackBerry Thumb or Tom Thumb Syndrome. Computer nerds complain about their thumb hurting and the phenomenon is becoming a widespread problem among users of the BlackBerry"
"Doc, my last child went off to 'di universitet' and I'm feeling lones...
"Empty Nest Syndome. Take "Emptynestrogen"--a suppisitory that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out."
"Hi, Doc. Look at these spots on my ...
"Age spots. Someday they'll connect and look like a tan. Just be 'geduldik"--patient."
"Hello, Doctor. I feel so sleepy since Thanksgiving and...
"Turkey Day Tiredness, caused by consuming large amounts of carbohydrates in the potatoes, bread, stuffing, candied yams, etc. Carbohydrates help your body produce serotinin, a chemical in the brain that has a calming effect. zzzzz"
"Hi, Doc. My last book published was in 2004 and I haven't been able to write...
"We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block,' but a common side effect is plagiarism." (Harvey Schwadron caption)
"Hello, Doctor. It's me, again. My big toe hurts. On General Hospital a patient had the same symptoms, but the doctors couldn't decide whether it was Gout or Rheumatism and...
"Listen, if you take a vise, put your finger between, and turn until you can't stand it any longer, that's rheumatism. If you turn once more, that's gout"
"Doctor, I just returned from the movies where I saw 'Righteous Kill' starring Pacino and De Niro. My wife complains. I'm the last one out of the theatre because...
"XIVITIS--compulsive desire to decipher the Roman numerals at the end of movie credits." (Thanks to John Sobastanovich)
"Hello, Doc. I'm addicted to coffee but the long wait at my local Starb...
"Starbucks Line Anxiety Distorder (SLAS). Danielle Crittenden described this problem quite accurately "You've been standing there 10 minutes in a line that now snakes out the door. Many angry thoughts pass through your mind. How long does it take to pour a cup of coffee anyway? For God's sakes, just ring it up--it's not like you have to do the math yourself, idiot. The register has icons on it--just like at Burger King."
"Hello, Doctor. I can't help thinking about those McMansions they're building in my town: four-car garages, chef's kitchens, two-story Palladian windows, and more...
"Your ailment is so rare that up till now, it's only been found in a Will Shortz New York Times crossword puzzle."
"Hi, Doc. I just read an article by Garrison Keillor titled, 'Ahhh, to suffer nervous exhaustion!' He was sent off to have his head examined. He described the MRI machine. You lie on a narrow trough which is retracted into a massive cyclotron where you lie perfectly still for an hour in a space exactly the size of Grandpa's coffin, and if you are claustrophobic, this will send you right up the wall, and if you are not, you soon will be. You expect to hear Igor say in his adenoidal voice, 'I have tied him down, Master. Shall I throw the switch?' The machine bangs and whirrs and you lie there in your coffin awaiting the Last Judgment, and the young lady running the experiment says on the intercom, 'You're doing a great job, Mr. Keillor.' A great job of playing dead."
"I'm turning you over to Dr Marcus Welby, who used to treat one patient a week and never asked to be paid. Good luck!"
________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe has been known to
read for three hours each night before
going to bed. What is she reading? All of
her prescription labels!
decide whether it was Gout
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