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THE HUMOR OF STORYTELLER,
MYRON COHEN
(1902-1986)
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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Now that we're experiencing temperatures of 100 degrees, I can't help remembering a story contained in Myron Cohen's 1958 book, "Laughing Out Loud":
Pepsi Einstein, Leonard Lyon's wonderful mother-in-law, tells of one Park Avenue society girl who arrived in Miami on a day in which the temperature had zoomed to well over 100. As she got out of her car, she was overcome by the heat and fainted. A crowd of concerned bystanders gathered around her.
"Get a glass of water!" shouted one.
"Get a doctor!" screamed another.
"Open up the mink!" yelled the third.
Shown below are samples of the humor of Myron Cohen:
"aktsent" (accent)
Myron Cohen had no foreign accent in his
ordinary ("geveyntlekh") speech. However,
he usually told his jokes in dialect, generally
Yiddish, but sometimes Irish or Italian.
"briv" (letter)
An imaginative member of a Chicago finance company sent the following
letter to one of his delinquent accounts:
"Dear Sir:
After checking our records, we note that we
have done more for you than your mother
did--we've carried you for fifteen months!"
"fargleybter" (bigot)
A black man in a Jewish district was bewildered at the sight of Orthodox
Jews.
"What the hell are they?" he asked a friend.
"Hasidim," the friend answered. The first
man retorted, "I see dem, too, but
what the hell are they?"
"fraynd" (friend)
Myron Cohen was a close friend of comedian Henny Youngman. They often
performed on stage together.
"geyn" (go)
Only in Las Vegas they have traffic lights
that say--"Stop"--"Go"--and "6 to 5 you'll
never make it."
"hantekh" (towel)
All the motels in Las Vegas have three types
of towels: "His"..."Hers"...and "You Wanna
Bet!"
"harts" (heart)
Myron Cohen had a heart attack in 1976. From '76 - 84 he worked with
a pacemaker
in his "brustkastn" (chest). In 1984 he had
another heart attack, and retired soon
after. He died in Nyack, NY, in 1986.
"hundert" (100)
"I know a salesman who has one hundred
suits--and they're all pending."
"kelner" (waiter)
A waiter at Max's Stage Deli was heard
asking a table customer: "Which one of
you ordered the clean glass?"
"knaker" (big shot)
Myron Cohen hit the big time when he
appeared at the Copacabana nightclub in
NYC.
"krank" (ill)
A wealthy wholesaler's wife falls ill and is
on the point of death. She is usually
uncommunicative, due either from pain or
sedation. He remains at her bedside almost
constantly, murmoring into her ear, usually
to no avail.
One day, he utters, "Oh, my dear, I wish there was something more I could do..."
Surprisingly, she is having one of her rare pain-free and lucid moments. She looks up and clearly say, "There is one thing you can do."
Her husband, overjoyed to receive this request, replies, "What is it? I'll do anything."
She then replies, "Bury me retail."
"latke" (pancake)
"Everyone in Las Vegas is betting conscious. I know a fellow who
walked
into a Las Vegas diner and ordered a plate
of pancakes. When he got them, he looked
them over and screamed at the waiter,
'Take them back! They're marked.'"
"oylem" (audience)
Myron Cohen said, "Audiences are the same
everywhere, whether you're in Vegas, South Africa, or Rockland. They
all want to
hear about something that happens to
human beings."
"pelts" (fur)
After a particularly dismal season, an
associate of furrier George Becker was
trying to cheer up his partners. "After all,
fellows, we have to be optimistic. The only
thing we have to fear is fur itself."
"When you go to Miami...you'll know it.
No matter how hot it is, the women who
have them will be wearing their mink coats."
(Myron Cohen quotes)
"pleytse" (shoulder) strap
"A shoulder strap is a little piece of ribbon
designed to keep an attraction from
becoming a sensation."
"shkheyneshaft" (neighborhood)
"A Texan visiting New York for the first time, finds himself lost,
in the Lower East
Side, a predominantly Jewish neighborhood. He asks a resident, "Can
y'all tell me where ah am?" The resident
takes one look and says, "Brudder, you're
not in Marlboro Country."
"shviger" (mother-in-law)
"An undertaker calls a son-in-law: "About
your mother-in-law, should we embalm her,
cremate her, or bury her?" He says, "Do
all three. Don't take any chances."
"televisye" (television)
Myron Cohen first appeared on television
in 1951 on "The Kate Smith Evening Hour." By the 60s, he
was a frequent guest on
"Toast of the Town," "The Dean Martin
Show," "The Jackie Gleason Show" and "The
Ed Sullivan Show."
"toes" (mistake)
Myron Cohen said, "Here's one about the
small-business man who after six months
of valiantly trying to make ends meet decided to call it quits. (FYI: "oyfhern" means
to quit.) He posted the following
sign in his window:
OPENED BY MISTAKE.
"trombenik" (bum)
"A man asked a private detective to follow
his wife. After several days, the private
detective came back with his findings. He
said, "I have the proof--your wife is definitely cheating on you.
What do I do
now?"
The man says resolutely, "Follow my wife and that bum! Keep on their trail night and day, even if you have to track them around the world. And then I want a complete reort on what he sees in her!"
"vakatsye" (vacation)
"Speaking about business, did you hear the
one about the salesman who was stranded
in a small backwoods town due to a critical
power shortage. He wired his boss: "I don't
know when I'll be able to get out of here. It
might take weeks." Upon receiving the wire, the head man immediately
replied, "As
of today, you start your two weeks vacation."
"vinter" (winter)
There's the story about "der turist" (the
tourist) who pulled up in front of the Eden
Roc, handed his "bagazh" (suitcase) to the
porter and announced: "I've come here to
spend the winter."
The porter shook his head and replied, "You come to the wrong place. We don't have any winter here!"
"vits" (joke)
When Myron Cohen started out, Danny
Thomas, Jimmy Durante, and George Jessel
sent him jokes. Jack Benny SOLD him some
jokes.
"vitslen zikh" (to joke)
A typical Cohen joke:
Two women in the Bronx are hanging their
clothes out to dry ("trikenen"). One woman
asks the other ("anderer"), "Have you seen
what's going on in Poland?" The other
replies, "I live in the back--I don't see
anything."
"zayd" (silk)
Myron Cohen said that he liked the job of
selling silk, but selling laughs isn't work to
him. "Now those customers who wouldn't
give me orders after they'd laughted at my
jokes, have to pay to see me perform. What
bliss!"
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For more of Myron Cohen's humor, check
out a used book store for a copy of "Laughing Out Loud - the Funniest
Jokes,
Anecdotes, and Humor by America's Master
Story-Teller." The original price: $2.95!
Expect to pay considerably more; it's worth
it!
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