WELCOME TO THE
'MATSLIAKHDIK"* EMPLOYMENT AGENCY...PRESS "EYNS"
* "Matsliakhdik" means "successful"
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
Do a Google search for "Jewish Employment
Agencies" and you'll find 1,480,000 websites (as of May 27, 2005).
Employment counselors have discovered that the most "tayer" (expensive)
gift on "erd" (earth) is the gift of gab. Some agencies adhere to
the KISS (Keep It So Short) method of communicating with job seekers, and
make extensive use of voice routing. For others, "telefon" routing
is about as soothing as "der nogl" (fingernail) on a chalkboard.
You have reached "Matsliakhdik" Employment
Agency. All of our counselors are "farnumen" (busy). Your call
is "vikhtik" (important) to us. PRESS 'EYNS" for Klezmer "muzik"
"A dank" (thank you) for waiting.
If you have already submitted a cover letter and a resume, "alts iz gut"
(everything is all right). PRESS "TSVEY"
If you have sent us a video presentation
by Snail Mail, PRESS "DRAY"
If you have zapped your resume via e-mail,
PRESS "FIR"
If you are a "resumacher" (Joseph &
Nash term for "someone who has impressive credentials on paper but can't
deliver in real life"), 'ZAY AZOY GUT UN HENG OYF DEM TELEFON" (Please
hang up the telephone.)
If you are 'FOBS" (Fresh Out Of Business
School), PRESS "FINF"
If you are a recent graduate of the Sy Syms
School of Business at Yeshiva University, PRESS "ZEKS"
If you are seeking "dervaylik" (temporary)
work because you're enrolled in Trump University, PRESS 'ZIBN"
If you agree with this Yiddish expression,
"Az es kumt tsu arget, iz keyner nito" (When it comes to work, nobody's
around), PRESS 'AKHT"
If you are a 'HIPO" (IBMese
for an employee
with high potential), PRESS 'NAYN"
If you consider the 3 R's (The
Risk/Reward
RatIo), PRESS 'TSEN"
If you are "cashing out" (leaving a high
powered job behind for a more relaxed, fulfilling lifestyle), PRESS "ELF"
If your work "geshikhte" (history) can be
summarized in "fir vorts" (4 words): HIRED, TIRED, MIRED, FIRED,
"ZAY AZOY GUT UN HENG OYF DEM TELEFON."
If you define "downsizing" as losing "vog"
(weight) on the Vanna White Diet (you only "esn" what you can spell),
HANG UP IMMEDIATELY
If you agree that a balanced "budzhet" (budget)
is when "der khoydesh" (the month) and the "gelt" (money) run out together,
'IKH BET AIKH, FARMAKHT DEM PHONE" (I beg of you, close the phone.)
If you've been referred to as a "tree hugger"
(someone who stays too long in the same "firme") PRESS 'TSVELF"
If you agree that a typo can mean the difference
between HIRED and FIRED, PRESS "DRAYTSN"
If you're a "Fil meloches, vainik broches"
(Jack of all trades, master of none), HANG UP "ITST" (now)
If you've ever been called a "gantze macher"
(big maker or doer; the CEO; the hotshot), "shem dikh nisht" (don't be
embarrassed). PRESS 'FERTSN"
If you've ever engaged in "Trumpery" (a
Jeff Tenzer real estate term meaning non-serious property proposals), PRESS
'FUFTSN"
If you have a job title similar to "Deputy
Assistant to the President for Administrative Affairs and Organizational
Resources," PRESS 'ZEKHTSN"
If anyone has ever called you "Don Quixote" (a
prospective employee with an inflated idea of his skill and worth),
" HAK MIR NIT A TSCHEINIK. GENUG SHOIN!"
If you've ever been referred to as an "alpha-geek" (the
person in the office who knows the most about technology),
PRESS "ZIBETSN"
Do you define "mazel" as luck...that which
only a "konkurent" (competitor) possesses? If so, HANG UP NOW
Do you agree with this Yiddish expression,
"Es iz shver tzu makhen a leben" (It's hard to make a living)? If
so,
PRESS "AKHTSN"
If you've ever been described as "moyshe
kapoyr" (a person who does everything wrong, upside down, backwards),
PLEASE HANG UP THE 'TELEFON"
Do you agree with Thomas L. Friedman ("The
World Is Flat") that "In a flatter world, you REALLY do not want to be
mediocre. You don't want to find yourself in the shoes of Willy Loman in
Death of a Salesma, when his son Biff dispels his idea that the Loman family
is special by declaring, 'Pop! I'm a dime a dozen, and so are you!'"
If you do, PRESS "NAYNTSN"
Are you in agreement with this Yiddish expression,
"Di shvereste arbet iz arum tsu geyn leydik" (The hardest work is to be
idle)? If so, PRESS 'TSVANTSIK'...and come in to see us at 9 a.m. "morgn"
(tomorrow). Have we got a job for you!
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
