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AND DAD
*A "mamale" is an affectionate form of mother
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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I received a copy of Anna Quindlen's new book, "Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake" for Mother's Day. She writes:
"Over the years my household during the summer months has dwindled down to mostly me. In the beginning I piled the kids into the car as soon as school was over and took them to the country, late June to Labor Day. They went to day camp, messed around the creek, pumped away on the swings, checked themselves for ticks before they washed off the grime in the tub. But now that they've grown I'm alone..."
Her memories of raising 3 children "all blur together in my mind now; the year of the Ghostbusters cake, the year of the Jurassic Park cake, squabbles, sunburns, the little boy who erupted in chicken pox..."
Quindlen writes, "There are endless diaper changes, baths, books, Band-Aids, doctor visits, parent-teacher conferences, plays and athletic events and family dinners, so much scut work...Halloween or the first day of school or a rainy week in midsummer, we would be able to handle everything."
So, in celebration of Mother's Day 2012, let us look at a humorous list of the differences between a "mamale" and a father:
1. Mom reads "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E L James; Dad reads "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman.
2. Moms never use salt in cooking; it makes them retain water. Dad likes to eat salty foods like smoked herring, pistachios, pork rinds, and sometimes just plain salt.
3. Mom defines "Judicious" as Passover recipes; Dad defines HUMUTZDIK as pizza at the Passover table. (Thanks to Ruth & Bob Grossman)
4. Mom knows that in 1903, the Jewish Daily Forward reported that a new word had entered the Yiddish language: "OYSESN" - or eating out. To dine out, not at a friend's or relative's house, but at an actual restaurant. Dad belongs to a group of men called "ROMEOs"--Retired Old Men Eating Out.
5. Mom wants front-row center seats at the theater; Dad wants 'TWEET SEATS"-- a section in a theater set aside for people who want to tweet during a per- formance. The Palm Beach Opera began offering tweet seats in December for a performance of "Madama Butterfly" at the Kravis Center in WPB, FL
6. Mom is in charge of the decorating; Dad stays in his "mancave."
7. Mom knows that CHAROSIS is NOT a liver disease; Dad thinks that a DUODENUM is a number system in base two..
8. Mom enjoys an egg cream, with Fox's U-Bet, of course. Dad makes a drink called the "Alter Kaker." It consists of an ounce and a half of Old Granddad whiskey and one half an ounce of prune juice--on the rocks.
9. Mom agrees with Moishes Law--you never have good hair when you need it. Good hair happens when you've got no place to go. Dad--like John Edwards-- goes to Supercuts for a $12.95 job.
10. Mom watches Judge Judy; Dad watches "The History of Asphalt" on the History Channel. (Zits cartoon)
11. Mom thinks that 29 is a wonderful age to stay; Dad thinks that 29 is a wonder- ful age to be.
12. When Mom says, "Clean up this mess," it's a 'TSUMUMMY"; When Dad says it, we all laugh.
13. Mom is on "The 17 Day Diet by Mike Moreno; Dad says "fat-shmat, as long as she's happy."
14. Mom (AKA "The Tooth Fairy"), leaves $2 for a missing tooth. Dad says that since the tooth had an excessive tartar build-up, it only deserves $1.
15. Mom wants to have a nice family Thanksgiving and share each other's company. Dad wants to watch football. They compromise: They keep the TV on during dinner, but without the volume.
16. Mom buys brand-name pricey footwear (think UGG boots); Dad buys the new Brooks Adrenaline GTS running shoes.
17. Mama, who is comptuer savvy, uses JDate to find dates for her adult children. She just logs on and pretends to be her child. Dad understands that "All mothers wanted their children to get married, but they set up a different timetable for each sex. Sons were always asked, "What's your rush?" and daughters, "What are you waiting for?"
18. Mama has an innate sense of how long
to cook a brisket; Dad jokes about "The
Brisket Brigade." When a man is
widowed, thoughtful neighbors and
friends (read: unmarried women)
console and comfort him the best way
they know how: by dropping off a pot
of still-warm, home made brisket...It's
enough to make a man think how nice
it is to have a woman around the
house.
(Source: "The Brisket Book" by
Stephanie Pierson)
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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe agrees with Sharon
Duke Estroff ("Can I Have a Cell Phone for
Hanukkah?"): Remember to stop and smell
the bubblegum. "Caught up in the hustle
and bustle of parenting (homework, car-
pooling, schlepping, stressing)), it's easy to
lose sight of what really matters. So every
now and then--as you sit behind the wheel
of your minivan--tune out the traffic, breathe in the innocence and give God a little thank-you for the bubble-gum-smacking blessings in the backseat. Enjoy
the ride."
Marjorie recently lost of her husband, Howard. They were married 53 years. She reminds her readers to enjoy each day because one never knows when your mate is no longer around.
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