  
|
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
|
|
Since time immorial, we knew that "mameh" had all the answers.
Billy Crystal ("70 Sundays") wrote about a conversation
that he had with his mother
just before he got on the plane, leaving for
college in Huntington, West Virginia.
"Billy, dear, before you go, about the
girls---"
"Mom, I know."
"I'm so glad we had this talk."
So, he walked to the plane and then heard three
words that she would yell
after him:
DON'T
WASH WOOL!
Mrs. Crystal knew about money management. She
had set aside $2,500 so
that Billy could go to college. (She was only
making $7,500 at that time.)
Fa-s-t forward to 2010. Shown
are
some Q/A discussions we might hear between a "mameh" and a child.
Q. "Mameh, did you read the new flight
fees? Ryanair, the European budget
airline, says that passengers will be
obligated to insert a British pound coin
before they gain access to in-flight
relief."
A. "Yes. And Christopher Buckley (Forbes
Life) writes about aircraft lavatory user
fees: "For those using the lavatory
during the last half hour of the flight,
the user fee is doubled. Nah, tripled."
Q. "Mameh, are you going to spend your
Federal economic stimulus payment for
a family trip to Israel?"
A. "No, we're taking a 'staycation'--a
holiday that takes place either at or near
home. On second thought, your father
and I may take a PILL GRIM AGE--a visit
to Canada solely for the cheap
prescription drugs."
Q. "Mameh, I read that New York Gov.
Paterson wants to impose an 'Obesity
Tax' on soft drinks. And Mayor
Bloomberg urged the state Legislature
to pass a penny per-ounce soda tax
and use that money to pay for education
and Medicaid."
A. "You're a 'krassavitseh' (beautiful)
woman. But, remember what Confucious
Cohen said: People who eat lots of
sweets will soon develop larger seats."
Q. "Mameh, look at this commercial for TD
Bank. Kelly is walking by the bank with
an umbrella, and she notices Regis
inside. First he tries to claim he's only
there to cash in loose change, but then
a bank employee walks up and hands
Regis a receipt and a Visa check card...
And then Regis is lying back on a green
couch in what seems like a psychiatrist's
office. He seems to be engaged in primal
scream therapy."
A. "Yes, and having Regis and Kelly as
spokespersons in the commercial will
get people to notice TD Bank more. Did
I tell you about the bank in Palm Beach,
FL, that offers sit-down teller service,
and a drive-through for golf carts?"
Q. "Mameh, would you pay $4.29 for a box
of Chocolate Cheerios cereal?"
A. "Are you crazy? 'Bistu meshugeh?'
That's money wasted, squandered, or
thrown away. 'Aroysgevorfene gelt.'"
Q. "Mameh, 7-Eleven is now selling its own
beer brand, 'Game Day.' It's 3.9 percent
alcohol by volume and 110 calories per
12 ozs."
A. "And Burger King is testing mimusas and
'brunch.' Someone recently asked,
'What's next in the quest for breakfast
sales--Quiche and a croquet game with
the King?
And the big question: Will 'Game Day'
come in Slurpee flavors like Banana
Chocolate Pie and Starburst?
I'm sticking with 'He-Brew the Chosen
Beer.'"
Q. "Mameh, what do you think about the
fact that JDate is offering a bulk rate
to
rabbis who want to buy membership
accounts for their congregants?"
A. "I approve. Sometimes even Cupid
needs a nudge! It's a good idea...but I
have one stipulation: No mothers, no
grandmothers."
Q. "Mameh, did you read that women are
being blamed for quakes? Women who
wear revealing clothing and behave
promisculously are to blame for
earthquakes, the Iranian media says."
A. "That's a 'bubbe meises'--a
grandmother's story; a fairy tale."
Q. "Why is it that iced coffee costs more
than regular coffee even though there is
less of it and the only other ingredient
is water?"
A. "Freg mir becherim!" (How should I
know?) Ask your father."
Q. "Mameh, the price for a gallon of reg.
'gazolin' hit a record of $3.09 yesterday.
Can you imagine how expensive it is to
send a man into orbit in a space vehicle?
Billions!"
A. "Sure. The same old story. If you got
gelt, you could travel!"
Q. "My prom is in three weeks. Can we go
to 'Fapitz'd' on Old Country Rd. in
Westbury for a dress?"
A. "Fapitz'd is out of business. Suppose we go to Aunt Dee
in 'Totally You' in Bellmore?Did you hear David Letterman? He said--
about Hillary Clinton's wardrobe-- "Today she was wearing a certified pre-owned
pantsuit."
Q. "Mameh, did you read the book, B IS
FOR BOTOX - AN ALPHABET BOOK FOR
THE MIDDLE-AGED by Ross & Kathryn
Petras?"
A. "Yes, and K is for k--as in 401(k)
retirement plan. Look at Ken. Ken
is
happy. He invested the max in his 401(k).
Now he has an expensive helicopter that
brings new rich friends to his retirement
mountain retreat.
Look at Ken's old friend Kyle. He did not
contribute to his 401(k). Now he is Ken's
butler."
Q. "Mameh, you asked if I was an Internet
dating virgin. I'm not. I met several
NJB.s (Nice Jewish Boys) on JDate,
Frumster, SawYouAtSinai, Shoshanna's
Matches, Chai Expectations and Speed
Dating. And I've even joined 'Chai
Riders,' a motorcycle club on L. I."
A. "That's good! JDate claims that
someone finds their Jewish match every
23 minutes. Nu, how much does it cost
to join JDate for six months?"
A. "About $149....Thanks, Mameh. Luv ya!"
Q. "Can we go to Costco? I'm looking for a
book titled, CAN I WEAR MY NOSE RING
TO THE INTERVIEW? by Ellen Gordon
Reeves. Retail price--$13.95."
A. "Sure, but first I need to say the PRAYER
AT COSTCO (taken from "Mommy
Prayers" by Tracy Mayor):
Oh, God. Please let this be a good and
productive shop. Please help me to keep my wits about me, event though
I appear to
have left my list at home. Please give me
the clarity of mind to remember that, like
the animals on the ark, good things come
in pairs: the peanut butter and the jelly,
the bagels and the cream cheese, the yogurt and the 100 percent organic
no-
fructose no-sat-fat cereal bars, the Fresh
Start and the Meow Mix. Please let this not
be senior citizen day, or, if it be so, please
give me patience and good cheer as I
maneuver around their carts, which clog
every aisle. Please help me to remember
that the time will come when I too will need
help reaching the extra-large box of
All-Bran on the top shelf. Please open my
heart so I never forget that this $105 worth
of groceries is a blessing and that I should
therefore swing by the food bank and
deposit some of it on their doorstop.
Please give me the time to do this and not
be late for preschool pickup. Amen.
--------------------------------------
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe, a mother of 3 and
grandmother of 4, wishes all of her readers
a Happy Mother's Day.
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
| Yiddish
Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe |
Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World |
