A Yiddisher Mama Shares a List of Great Christmas Lies

A YIDDISHER MAMA SHARES A LIST OF GREAT CHRISTMAS LIES by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

The Yiddish word for Christmas is "Nitl."

Although Jews celebrate Hanukkah, we still purchase Christmas gifts for our "dokter" (doctor), "kosmetiker" (beautician), "sherer" (barber), "tsaytung" (newspaper) delivery person, "dinst" (maid), " tirman" (doorman), "shokhente"/"shokhn" (female/male neighbor), and "kindhayt fraynd" (childhood friend).

I've discovered--over the years--that there are many Great Christmas Lies. They include:

Two Santas--no waiting!
Let's take commercialism out of Christmas.
You're the only woman in town who hasn't decorated her acrylic nails with Christmas trees, Santa Clauses and Christmas scenes.
I'd much rather have Christmas dinner with grandma than with Bart Simpson.
Thank you. It's just what I wanted-- another "Where's Waldo? search book."
I'm not going to spend more than I planned on Xmas gifts.
No, oxblood is my favorite color.
I'd like to make you something special for Xmas...but you already are.
In all of my years of practice, I've never had a "patsyent" (patient) who put a
Christmas tree ornament in his left ear.
Our competitor across the street started his Christmas sale so early that Santa
wore "vays" (white) shorts.
I never keep a Yule log--a record of Christmas gifts.
We wouldn't think of sending you a "personalized" newsletter on a 9-pin-dot-
matrix printer and have the computer sign it in an accurate representation of our handwriting.
The reason why mistletoe has been banned from the office decoration is because it tends to sanctify uninvited endearment.
The best Christmas gift for the man who has "altsding" (everything) is a burglar
alarm.
No department store would EVER display the following sign during the holidays:

UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN AN ESPRESSO AND A FREE
PUPPY.

I wanted to buy you special edition 2007 Lexus GS 450h luxury hybrid performance
sedan ($65,000) offered in the Neiman-Marcus Christmas catalog, but they were
all sold out.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat lovers

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for? Order the book!

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