LAUNDRY - SCHMANDRY
WRINKLES - SCHMINKLES
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

The U. S. unemployment rate hit 10.2%-- highest in 26 years!

You know times are "shlekht" (bad) when someone breaks into your house just to do a load of laundry. 

In Billy Crystal's book, "700 Sundays," he wrote about going off to Marshall University in Huntington, West Virginia.  He was "zibetsin" (17) and he and his mom are at LaGuardia "fliplats" (airport), Eastern Air Lines, Gate 33.  They announced his departure and then, he writes, "There's a moment when you know you have to go. Something in your mind goes off, and it's suddenly okay."  He walked to the plane and never looked back.  Then he heard three words that his mom would yell after him that would change his entire freshman year at school:

               "DON'T WASH WOOL."

Dr. Kevin Leman ("What Your Childhood Memories Say About You (And What You Can Do About It"), addressed "The Hazards of Perfect Laundry."  He wrote,

  "A woman once shared one of her early childhood memories in which she received all kinds of hassle from her parents because she wasn't folding the family's laundry correctly.  To her parents, there was an undeniably correct way to fold towels, underwear, and socks.  And doing otherwise was tantamount to criminal activity."

  Leman continues, "Perhaps there is a correct way to fold underwear, I don't know--I haven't read the Underwear Folder's Handbook...Are you really going to feel like a successful parent if you've raised an acid-bitter woman, venomous to others and estranged from you, her parent--but, oh boy, can she ever fold a mean pair of underwear?"

Today's Jewish Mama uses the Yiddish words for underwear ("unternemung"), to wash ("vashn"), and soap (zeyf").  This is usually followed by the proverb, "Az es kumt tsu arbet, iz keyner nito."  (When it comes to work, nobody's around.)

Pamela Anderson tells the story of "di froy"
(the woman) who buys a "kestl" (box) of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses."   A day later, she calls the detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses,' but all it does is my laundry!"  She's not too "klug" (smart)!.

And, G-d forbid, should your washer/dryer mal-function, don't go ballistic!  Just follow the advice of humor columnist, Dave Barry ("All The Dave Barry You Could Ever Want"):

How to repair a broken electrical appliance: (Note:  The Yiddish has been added by the writer.)

1.  The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 37/16-inch felt-tipped marker.

2.  If this fails, take the appliance to the basement ("der keler") and leave it there for several months on the theory that (a) it will get lonely ("eltn") and want to work again so it can be up in the kitchen ("kikh") with all the other appliances, or (b) we'll have a nuclear war, and you won't have any uses for appliances any more because you'll be too busy defending your beef jerky and water from your neighbors, or (c) you'll develop a horrible ("groylik"), lingering disease, and people will feel sorry for you and give you new appliances.

3.  If, after several months, the appliance still doesn't work, locate the motor or some other electronic part and whap it briskly with a 58-ounce tire iron.  This technique is particularly effective with your modern personal home electronic computers ("kompyuters"), which are smart enough to not want to be struck by blunt instruments. Toasters are much, much more stupider-- some of them cannot perform even simply addition--and often must be whapped for hours before coming around.

_________________________________________
Marjorie Wolfe does her laundry while enjoying the following "Spin Cycle Songs":
"Dirty Laundry" -  Don Henley
"Splish Splash"  -  Bobby Darin
"All Shook Up"   - Elvis Presley
"Round and Round"  - New Order
"Grease"              - Frankie Valli
"Spinning Wheel"    - Blood, Swear and Tears

words that his mom would yell_

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!