DEAR LATCHKEY "MAN"
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

October 31, 2007

Hi, Honey.  I'll be working late at "dosbyuro" (the office) on Halloween.  "Der kompyuter" is down...again!  For a Halloween nash you'll find Scream Puffs, Pumpkin Bread, and decoffinated coffee.

You'll be proud of this "frugalflaunt"! The average American spent $64.82 on Halloween this year.  I spent considerably less.

Please don't be a "pseudoglobulin"--a half-hearted Halloween celebrant.  Would you supervise the kids while they go Trick or Treating  in the "shkheyneshaft" (neighborhood)?

Wear comfortable, well-fitting shoes.  Avoid whiskers, beards, wigs, and hats because you might slip.  Avoid the clown shoes! Carry a flashlight.

I expect a delivery of a Boo-Quet from the florist and the deli is delivering a Freddie Kruger Platter containing Dracula's Vampire Wings (Buffalo Wings), Goblin Sticks (Mozzaraella Sticks with "pomidor"sauce), Transylvania Meat Balls (Swedish meat balls), and My Mummy's Favorite (Frankensteins in a Blanket).

The kids are dressing as princess, Spider-Man, and pirate.  No, I did not purchasethe "Subservient Chicken" mask from Burger King!

The kosher Halloween candy is hidden on the book shelf next to World Book Encyclopedia.  Nobody would look there! If you run out of Abba-Zaba (KSA Parve),Jujubes (Ko Parve), or Whatchamacallit (U from Hershey), distribute pennies.

Personally, this Halloween the scariest thing you can yell is not "Trick or Treat," or Freddie Kruger; it's "Hillary for President."

Don't remove the large "kestl" (box) on the front porch.  It contains old clothing forthe Bayswater Jewish Center's rummage sale.  Last chance to donate your polyester leisure suits and get a tax deduction this year.  Remember:  Bill Clinton claimed $22 on charitable donations of used "untervesh" (underwear).

If Jim Ampersand (Ampersand, Ampersand & Ampersand) calls, tell him to go ahead with the TIGR.  No, I'm not buying another stuffed "khaye" (animal).  TIGR is a Treasury Investment Growth Receipt.  Jonathan of Merrill Lynch recommended it!

If you get a call from the local newspaper regarding a contest that I entered, just reply as follows:  "Jimmy Choo is not a kind of beef jerky."

The microwave oven is set for Auto Roast Control and today's gustatory treat isTuna Luck Shen Gro Sing Guhs"-- a recipe from Ruth and Bob Grossman's Chinese-Kosher cookbook.  Were you expecting "Fah Shtunk Ken Ah Fish Roll"?

Dr. Wasserman called regarding the renewal of your prescription for Metformin ER.  She suggested that you follow Bill Cosby's advice ("Time Flies"):  Well, cutdown, especially the stuff that has "taam" (taste).  Stop eating "zalts" (salt), "tsuker" (sugar), "royt" (red) meat, whole milk, Halvah, Rugelach, Tiramisu, and almost everything else  Try to build your mealsaround parsley.

If it's all more complicated than I think, I can be reached at our new "telefon"number:  515-433....

I love you.

   <------   that's a wink, dear.

Love,
Marge

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!