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The Yiddish word "kvetch" means to complain, whine, or gripe. Some say that a "kvetcher"/"kvetsher" is a person who is pleasant like a tight shoe is pleasant.
Everyone "kvetches."
In 1990, legendary funnyman, Jackie Mason ("How to Talk Jewish") wrote, "As kvetches get older, they imagine more aches and pains. Since Medicaid, they're all in hospitals or doctors' office. If they have no insurance, they'll just sit in the house and complain. But as soon as they find out they're insured, they're in doctors' offices day and night. Every five minutes there's a different complaint. 'There's something on the bottom of my thigh. Every time I move my foot, it lands on the floor. I can't figure it out. Every time I pick up a spoon, Doctor, my mouth opens. I don't know what it is.'"
Mason also "kvetched" about the high stools at Starbucks. "And there's no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when you get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, 'Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.'.. Then they can't get of the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, 'Mister, could you get me off this?'"
According to Joel Samberg ("The Jewish Book Of Lists"), the word "kvetch" is one of the 33 most popular Yiddish words. The author writes, "...the most popular and well-understood Yiddish word among non-Jews, according to the survey, is schmuck, followed by shmooze and then kvetch."
In 2007, Katie Kouric complains that after going through a feeding frenzy at CBS, she has trouble figuring out who her " oylem" (audience) is on the Evening News.
Office workers are "kvetching" that instead of a raise, they're being given a choice of five [Donald] "Trump Office" chairs which cost between $350 and $550. One CEO said, "They're the most expensive chairs that Staples has ever offered." They're upholstered with "leder" (leather), "samet" (velvet), or Chenille. The CEO concluded by saying, "Vos nokh vilst du?" (What more do you want?)
New Yorkers "kvetch" that their local " plazhe" (beach) is "crowded," "noisy," " schmutsik" (dirty), "unsafe," or "closed." They have issues with "bathing water quality," "drinking fountains," and bathrooms.
Then there's the "kvetch" who complains about how little money Dick Cheney gives to charity ("tsodoke"). In contrast, Joe Lieberman is the most charitable member of Congress. He gives his entire paycheck to Hadassah.
Jewish Potterphiles complain that the Hebrew edition of the new Harry Potter book will not be available until December 2007. Gili Bar-Hillel will begin translating it shortly. (How does one say "Muggles" and "Ravenclaw" in Hebrew?)
One blogger complains that Bob Barker is "meshuge" (crazy) for suggesting that Rosie O'Donnell replace him on the Price Is Right.
New Yorkers "kvetch" about Mayor Michael Bloomberg's (aka "the Nanny Mayor") congestion pricing plan. He wants to charge motorists $8 and truckers $21 to enter the busiest parts of Manhattan during rush hour. The congestion pricing plan gives money to improve mass transit and discourages people from using their " oytomobile."
Consumers in downtown San Francisco " kvetch," saying that about "tsvey hundert" (200) lined up in the morning at Apple's store on Stockton Street before the 6 p.m. witching hour, when the $500+ iPhone was officially due to go on sale. A group of entertainers set up a miniature one-hole putting green to help the Apple faithful to pass the time.
Others "kvetch" that Paris Hilton's jail sentence was unreasonable; some complained that Paris Hilton's parents received "spetsyel" treatment at Twin Towers Correctional Facility. They breezed past others waiting to see loved ones.
Several individuals complained when Howard Stern referred to Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie's new baby as "Shiloh Kvetch" on his June 7, 2006, radio show.
People all over the country "kvetch" about the "advance fee fraud," Nigerian Letter (or 419 fraud). The typical 419 scam uses greed to lure victims by inviting them to share in money. Ostensibly, the money belongs to a deposed dictator, or a"raykh" (wealthy) businessman who has no known heirs or even to a dying recluse miser who has seen the error of his ways.
One youngster "kvetched" that he was too young to know the Soupy Sales character, " Filo Kvetch." He often confused him with the old Jack Benny character named "Mr. Kitzel," who spoke with a thick Yiddish accent.
Raoul Felder and Jackie Mason ("Schmucks"), 'kvetch" about food. "A generous portion of chocolate pudding at the truck stop diner will run about $1.95. But pump air into the pudding, call it mousse, and it's almost time to cash in that 401(k)."
Many Rabbis "kvetched" about the opening scene of the 2006 movie, "Keeping Up With The Steins." The film opens with an aerial shot of a Queen Mary-sized cruise "shif" (ship), whose bow displays an enormous banner reading, "Mazel Tov, Zachary." The theme of "di simkhe" is the last voyage of the Titanic, complete with a huge iceberg mockup, from which emerge a bevy of scantily clad mermaids.
And, some Jews "kvetch" about the NEW Atkins Clear Skin Schmaltz Diet. It's distributed in a "grin" (green) glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "For more youthful skin (Lower fat, less cholesterol, extra virgin SCHMALTZ)." And if this "diet" is not successful, one can read Martha Bolton's book titled, "Didn't My Skin Used To Fit?" She reminds us that aging has benefits:
Age spots--Someday they might connect and look like a tan.
And, finally, some doctors complain about seeing many patients who appear to be suffering from "chaiatal hernia." Many elderly Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing Chai's which are too heavy.
_____CLEANING people come and go
and still the house is all
FAKAKHT?
Why KVETCH?
Put a smile on that little PUNIM.
Your TSORES is over!
Kiss the SCHMUTZ goodbye,
and call already!
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