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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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The Bible tells us "v'nishmartem meod l'nafshoteichem" (Deut. 4:15), which our sages have interpreted to mean that we have an obligation to treat our bodies well, and not do anything that would harm them. And Maimonides highly recommended excercise as part of his overall prescription for health. He even ranks it higher than proper diet."
In anticipation of the arrival of Andrew, Wilma, and Katrina, Florida residents have all experienced the following cardio exercise program:
Put the shutters up
Take the shutters down!
Put the shutters up!
Take the shutters down!
Put the shutters up!
I recently joined a local chain of "Curves for Women" for their 30-minute workout. To my dismay, I walked into a room filled with 15 "yung" women. I was very "nerves" (nervous). Humor helps. I told the instructor, "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises." She gave me a "modne" (strange) look. "How old is your 'beybi'? she asked. "Daniel is 37," I replied with a smile.
The 8 - l2 pieces of equipment target specific body parts...and an average of 184 calories are burned during a Curves workout. That's less than one candy bar or piece of Halvah.
My friend, Dr. Ira Weiden, forwarded to me "The Jewish Guide To Good Health." Here's a list of the questions and the answers, with a few changes/additions:
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong "lebn"(life). Is this true?
A. Your "harts" (heart) is only "gut" (good) for so many years, and "dis iz alts" (that's all). Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your "oyto" (car) by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a "dreml" (nap).
Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a "bisl veykh" (little soft) around "der mitn" (the middle)?
A. Definitely not! When you exercise a "muskl" (muscle), it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger "boykh" (stomach).
Q. Should I cut down on "fleysh" (meat) and eat more "frukht" (fruit) and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a "beheyme" (cow) eat? "Ku" (hay) or corn? And what are these? Vegetables. So a "bifsteyk" (steak) is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need "tvue" (grain)? Eat "hun" (chicken). "Befsteyk" is also a good source of field grass--"grin" (green) leafy vegetables.
According to Leo Rosten ("Hooray For Yiddish"), "A Jewish mother or hostess characteristically sang out 'Eat Fruit!' to family and guests alike...'Eat Fruit!' is not merely a form of politesse. One must remember that, to Ashkenazim, fruit was a rare luxury. The only time my mother ate an orange, when she was a girl, was on her birthday . The healthfulness and low price of fruit in America made immigrants dizzy with pleasure. And the lesson drummed into Jews about the necessity, the mitzve, of generous hospitality created a steady flow of invitations to 'have a piece of fruit already.'"
Q. How can I calculate my "guf fets" (body/fat) ratio?
A. Well, if you have a "guf" (body), your ratio is "eyns" to "eyns" (1 to 1). If you have two bodies, your ratio is "tsvey" to "eyns" (2 to 1).
Q. What did Dr. Phil McGraw say about Arnold Schwarzenegger's BMI?
A. If you measured Schwarzenegger's BMI, he would be labeled "obese" because BMI doesn't distinguish between fat and muscle (muscle weighs more than fat), and you certainly don't want to tell Arnold that he is fat!
Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A. Can't think of an"eyntsik" (single) one. Sorry. My "filosofye" (philosophy) is: NO PAIN...GUT.
Q. Aren't fried foods "shlekht" (bad) for you?
A. You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable "boyml" (oil). In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be "shlekht" for you?
Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you meshuga?...Cocoa beans... another "grins" (vegetable)!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Don't you remember the Woody Allen movie, "Sleeper"? Allen awoke after hundreds of years in cold storage and was told that cigarettes, pastries, alcohol AND CHOCOLATE promoted good health.
Didn't you read The Parody in "The Weekly Standard" (1/30/06), where major US cities are described by flavor?
Chocolate Cities: New Orleans; Washington, DC; Detroit; Newark
Rocky Road Cities:
Cleveland; Houston; Chicago; St.
Louis
Q. What is the meaning of the noun, "Decafalon"?
A. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are "gut" (good) for you. (Mensa Invitational, 2005)
Q. What is the "Index Finger Flexies" workout?
A. "Keep your index finger toned using the convenient Rolodex Fitness System! To prepare, make sure that the phone numbers in your Rolodex are grouped by letter--but the cards in each section should NOT be alphabetized any further (e.g. Domino's Pizza may come after the Drake's Cakes Hotline). By going through a few extra cards each phone call, you can boost your ring size within a year!" (Susan Adamo, The Next Trend, Contest #161)
Q. Is it true that for every mile you jog, you add one "minut" (minute) to your life?
A. It's "der emes" (the truth). And this lets you spend an additional five months in a nursing home for $5,000 a month at age "nayntsik" (90).
__________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe's favorite exercise:
The Mah Jongg Stretch.
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