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BUT THE FAMILY IS IN A "KRISIS"*
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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There's a new movie titled, "The Kids Are All Right," starring Annette Bening, Julianne Moore, and sperm donor, Mark Ruffalo. Bening and Moore, a lesbian couple, live with their two children, Joni and Laser, in trendy L.A. (The kids refer to their parents as a single entity: The Momses.)
Their son has decided to find his sperm-donor daddy, and the household is a "krizis." (see letter written to "Ask Amy") 50-year-old daddy, Paul, is hip. He rides a "motosikel" (motorcycle) and owns a restaurant that he stocks with produce from his nearby "gortn" (garden).
What problems are faced when children are conceived by sperm donors? How does Judaism look at sperm donors? Is it permissable for a Jew to donate sperm FOR MONEY? (We know that it is a source of income ("hakhnose") for some men!) How do we handle the "Birds and Bees" talk when explaining lesbian parents?
Elise Mac Adam ("See Dick Bite Jane - A Think and Do Book for Parenting Predicaments Big and Small") writes, "There are many ways for people to conceive children. Some of these require a doctor's help and all sorts of people have to try different ways to have children for a lot of reasons. The choices gay couples make to have children are not particularly different from the choices that many heterosexual couples or single individuals make if they can't or choose not to, conceive by more conventional means."
God's first commandment to Adam was "Be fruitful and multiply." The high rate of infertility and the onus on Jews to procreate has put Israel, not surprisingly, at the forefront of infertility treatment, with the most fertility clinics per capita in the world.
In recent years there has been a rise of "hunderts" of percent in the number of applications by single women to the sperm bank. The average age has gradually gone down from "fertsik" (40) plus to 35 plus. The rise in the number of single women requesting sperm donation is due to changes in the accepted family model. Over the past "draysik" (30) years, the single parent famly has become a "geveyntlekh" (common) phenomenon, particularly in the west. It is mostly well-educated, high social economic status women who choose this path.
The shortage in sperm donations in recent years is felt globally, as well as in Israel. The decline in donations stems from several reasons--the concern over a breach of the donor's anonymity and possible "legaler" (legal) responsibilities over the child, the fear of incest marriages, and even the low pay donors receive. Currently, Israeli donors receive about NIS 300 - 600 (about $76 - $156 per donation) or NIS 400 - 800 (about $105 - $210 per donation.) A donation from abroad ("in oysland") is far more "tayer" (expensive). However, foreign donations often come with a "fotografye" (photograph) of the donor, along with a profile--a feature that is unavailable in Israel due to the need to maintain the donor's anonymity.
On August 19, 2010, Amy Dickinson ("Ask Amy") published this letter in newspapers across the U. S.:
Dear Amy: Eighteen years ago I conceived my daughter using an anonymous sperm donor. We've always been open about it with her. She has known that when she turned 18, she could send a letter to her donor in care of the sperm bank. She is eager to write that letter, and I have encouraged her to follow her heart. But I am worried her donor might not want to respond or that he may not be the man she's dreamed of all these years. We've had such a good life together and she seems so happy. She's about to start her senior year with a 4.3 GPA, a great boyfriend and loving friends and family. Is there any way for me to diminish the pain of an unanswered letter? Proud Mom
She replied:
DEAR PROUD:
You can try to prepare your daughter for this experience by asking
open-ended
questions and listening to her responses:
"What are you hoping for?" "What is your
intent?" "How do you imagine he might
respond?"
You should convey what all great parents tell their kids: 'I
will be here for you, re-
gardless of how this turns out.' You should
promise yourself and your daughter that you will do your best to
handle it honestly
and with love."
Sperm donors, typically are not Jewish to avoid an adulterous union between a married Jewish woman and a Jewish man other than her husband. (Note: The Yiddish word for adultery is "nief.")
Directors of sperm banks claim that the risk of sibling marriages can be reduced by restricting the number of pregnancies for a single donor. This claim does not stand the test of reality, because even though each donor undertakes not to donate sperm at another sperm bank, this restriction cannot be enforced without full central record keeping. Often the instructions are not followed.
Some "narishkayt" (foolishness"):
There's a California Sperm Bank which offers Celebrity Look-Alike
donors by
comparing their physical feature to celebrities. California
Cyrobank won't use
George Clooney or Brad Pitt as celebrities
who resemble their donors for fear of a run
on the bank. Note: The California Cyrobank has been
around for over 30 years and is spreading its seeds in all 50
states and at least 30 countries worldwide.
California Crybank, for example, has locations in LA, Palo Alto, CA, Cambridge, MA, and NYC. It even offers an online website, where one can choose everything from race to eye color. Or a doctor's sperm or someone who has the same features as your husband or your family. For $16 extra, you get a long profile of the donor. If you need overnight delivery, it is $190. If you want the closest match to your husband, this is $65 and up to six donors.
California Cryobank sperm donors are reimbursed up to $100 per donation and up to $1,200 a month by donating 3 times a week. They periodically offer incentives such as movie tickets or gift certificates for extra time and effort expended by participating sperm donors.
Rabbi Yisroel Cotlar (Chabad.org), said that "the issue of IVF in Jewish Law is an extremely complicated subject and there are still numerous opinions on the matter. Most authorities hold that when IVF is used, all physical components (sperm, eggs, serums, uterus, related medications, etc.) must be only of the couple themselves."
He continues, "Halacha says that a child's Jewishness depends on the mother. If the mother was not Jewish, neither would the child. What is more complicated is when the egg donor is Jewish but not the carrier (or vice-versa). This is an issue still being debated amongst the authorities. Like all issues that come up in Halacha today, the rulings are based on principles in the Talmud and Code of Jewish Law."
Rabbi P. Waldlman (Aish.com) said that [Jewish] "sperm donations are generally disallowed. However, in rare cases, where the couple did not have children for many years, and all conventional treatment did not help, artificial insemination by a non-Jew is allowed."
He continued, "According to Jewish law, a Jewish person should not be a sperm donor. It is also dubious whether according to Jewish law, such a child is considered the child of the donor."
Getting back to the movie, "The Kids Are
All Right," David G. Eigen, PH.D., writes,
"Of course, a child raised by a mother with a 'sperm donor' for a
father will survive and
most likely be glad to be alive, but the lack of a strong loving
father to guide them will
be felt. Equally, a child reared solely by
their father, with an 'egg-donor' for a mother, will fair equally
as well, and this
child will be equally as thankful. HOWEVER,
both mother and father are important in
the development of a child. DUH! To think
otherwise is pure egocentricity. Coming
from Hollywood that would make sense."
(David G. Eigen is the author of "Women:
The Goddesses Of Wisdom. The Journey of
Womanhood" and "Men: The Gods of Love:
Manhood's Journey To Love.")
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