the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Billy Crystal ("700 Sundays") wrote, "I came home for the summer of 1966, and got a job as a counselor in a day camp at the Malibu Beach Club in Lido Beach [NY]. One day after work, I was on the beach with my good friend, Steve Kohut, and this really cute girl goes by, and I said, 'Who's that?'

" That's Janice Golfdinger," Steve said. "She just moved here."

I said, "I'm going to marry her." [He did, in 1970!]

Today, Billy would probably use the services of JDate or Shoshanna's Matches ("Our only real competition is Mom!")

I received an "farbetung" (invitation) to join the WE-MAKE-IT-HAPPEN JEWISH "KLUB" (CLUB), an organization which attempts to locate and formally introduce a far greater number of "right types" than any "perzon" (person) is likely to meet on his or her own.

The 'KLUB" attempts to attract Jewish people who are "klug' (smart), interesting, progressive, and upwardly mobile. There appears to be an error since I belong to a group of people known as PUPPIES-- Poor Urban Professionals, and have been called a "frugalflaunt"--a Paul Dickson term for someone who flaunts his/her frugality. :-)

Enclosed with the application was a short, qualifying "Attitude Profile" with the following instructions:


Please circle either "Yo" or "Nit" to each of the following questions and reply via " kompyuter," electronic mail, or fax machine.

1. Do you believe that "gelt gait tsu gelt" (money goes to money)?
Yo     Nit

2. Do you agree with Andrew Mellon, who was "ongeshtopt mit gelt" (filthy rich) that "dzhentlman" (gentlemen) prefer bonds"?
Yo     Nit

3. Was Robert B. Brown correct when he defined "furnished" as a Yiddish word "pertaining to one too poor to afford a winter coat"? :-)
Yo     Nit

4. Have you ever purchased "Wall Street" Eau De Toilette for yourself or for a "chaver" (friend)?  Yo     Nit

5. Do you define an 'ATM" as "abstinence till marriage"?  Yo     Nit

6. Do you know that there are "finf" (five) points on the Rolex crown?  Yo     Nit

7. Do you consider a "minyen" an orthodox stag?   Yo     Nit

8. Do you Dress British--but think Yiddish?   Yo     Nit

9. Do you consider "khreyn"/chrane (horseradish) a Jewish eye-opener?   Yo     Nit

10. Would you order a vanity license plate which reads 4GZNTR8?   Yo     Nit

11. Do you agree that they'renot making Mallomars and egg creams the way they used to?   Yo     Nit

12, Do you agree that it's hard to find a "mensch"?   Yo     Nit

13. Has anyone ever called you a YUPPIE (Yiddisha Urban Professional)?   Yo     Nit

14. Do you consider a "gontzer k'nocker" someone who does the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen?   Yo     Nit

15. Do you find these lines fromthe show, "Klonsky and Schwartz" amusing: [the two divorces say simultaneously], "Why should I make one Jewish girl miserable when I can make a hundred shiksas happy?"   Yo     Nit

16, Have you ever invested in a stock and ended up saying "Dos gelt iz tserunen gevoren" (My money went down the drain)?   Yo     Nit

17, Is your IN/OUT box labeled,"Nit haynt/Nit Morgn" (Not Today/Not Tomorrow)?
  Yo     Nit

18. Do you consider a person who wears jeans religiously a "Levite"?   Yo     Nit

19. Do you have a "frayndlekh ponim" (friendly face)?   Yo     Nit

20. Does the acronym LSD mean "Let's Start Davening"?   Yo     Nit

21. Do you consider the 3 R's "Raykh," "Raykh," "Raykh" (rich, rich, rich)?
  Yo     Nit

22 Do you consider power lunching "aroysgevorfen gelt" (a waste of money)?
  Yo     Nit

23. Does your wallet contain a "YomTov-Friendly credit card from Bank Leumi?
  Yo     Nit

24. Do you believe that all women should have a "K'nippel" (money tied in a knot in the corner of a handkerchief/a private stash)?   Yo     Nit

25. Do you follow the advice of the Levolor-blind people and decorate "rich, rich, rich, when you're not, not not"?   Yo     Nit

26. Do you think that Moses spent "fertsik" (40) years wandering in the desert because he refused to ask for directions?   Yo     Nit

27. Do you have a "pushke"--a small metal box used for donations to Jewish causes?
  Yo     Nit

28. Do you believe in the Israeli custom of bringing a rooster and a hen to the bride and groom so that they would "be fruitful and multiply"?   Yo     Nit

29. Have you ever roamed the aisles of Super Sol in search of a "yefayfiyeh" (woman of great beauty)?   Yo     Nit

30. Have you ever walked into a Saturn "oytomobile" (automobile) dealer and tried "handlen" (to bargain)?   Yo     Nit

31 Do you agree with Joseph & Nash that a "technoschmendrick" is a person who buys a $10,000 "kompyuter" to balance his checkbook or to store recipes?
  Yo     Nit

32. Have you ever said in jest that you were born under the sign "Tsuris"?
  Yo     Nit

33, Do you consider it unlikely that you would meet anyone to your liking while shopping at BJ's Wholesale Club or Costco?   Yo     Nit

34. Are you in agreement with Rita Rudner that "Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage-- they've experienced pain and bought jewelry"?
  Yo     Nit


I completed the "Attitude Profile" JUST FOR FUN (I'm married 47 years!) and faxed it back. Within two days I received a form letter which said, "Dear Applicant: Your best chance of mating is to take up chess."


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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