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ARE YOU A "KIKH" (KITCHEN) STRANGER?
I recently had "der fargenign" (the pleasure) of re-reading Alan King's 1964 paperback titled, "Help! I'm A Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery." If you recall, he also wrote "Anybody Who Owns His Own Home Deserves It."
In Chapter 13 ("Welcome Home"), he writes,
Do you know why she wants to go out for dinner? She just got home from her voodoo class. Dinner isn't ready. In fact, it isn't even started, but she won't admit it. She's got to perform the whole last act from Camille followed by the chorus of the largo from 'Death and Transfiguraiton.' She takes all the parts.
[the husband says]
Some husbands come home and their wives have dinner waiting for them. They don't have a chance to unwind and relax. Jeanette is very considerate that way. Sometimes she'll just eliminate dinner and we'll go right into breakfast.
[Jeanette also insists that the children should get a chance to chat leisurely while they're breaking bread with their father. Round two of the dinner conversation:]
What's that?
That's broccoli.
It tastes
very good.
I don't like it.
Whaddaya mean,
you don't like it?
You never tasted it
before.
I can tell.
I don't like it.
Taste it,
and if you don't like it, you won't have to
eat it.
No!
Taste it or you won't have
any dessert ["farbaysn"].
No!
Taste it or
you're gonna get a smack ["frahsk"].
I'll
throw up ["oys brekhn"].
Good! When
you finish, come back to the table and eat
the broccoli.
The consulting firm of Booz, Allan & Hamilton concludes that changes in cooking and eating habits in recent years have created six distinct types of supermarket customers, each with different food-shopping needs and attitudes. About 20% are KITCHEN STRANGERS-childless men and women who find cooking an inconvenience and rely instead on take-out food and restaurants.
Shown below is a not-so-serious
quiz to determine if you are a "Kikh" Stranger.
Circle either "yes" or "no" to each of the
following questions:
1. Do you walk around saying, Yes No
"My compliments to the can
opener?
2. Do you own Mimi Wilson Yes No
and Mary Beth Lagerborg's
book titled, "Once-a-Month
Cooking" and Jamie Geller's
book, "The 15-Minute Kosher
Cookbook: Fast and Easy
Recipes from the Bride Who
Knew Nothing"?
3. Do you think that the initials Yes No
"MSG" mean "Madison Square
Garden?"
4. Do you adhere to Newman's Yes No
"ershter" (first) Principle of
Gastronomic Invention: "If
nobody ever made this before,
there may be a reason why"?
5. Is your favorite gustatory treat Yes No
a Tom Wilson seven-course
meal: six Oreos and a "gloz" (glass) of "milkh" (milk)?
6. Have you ever purchased Paul Yes No
Newman's Own Spaghetti "sos" (sauce) just because you loved
his "fotografye" (photograph)
on the label?
7. Does your home Rolodex Yes No
contain the numbers for
Ben's Deli, Boychik's Pizza,
Pizza Pious, and Cho-sen
Garden?
8. Have you ever thought that Yes No
Cheerios were doughnut
seeds?
9. Do you call a French fry an Yes No
"un petit enfant"?
10. Are you aware that "tsimmes" Yes
No
rhymes with "Guinness"?
11. Have you replaced your Yellow Yes No
"Beybi" (Baby) on Board
triangular sign with one that
reads "Let's Eat Out"?
12. Did you celebrate when Peter Yes No
Lugar, the "bifsteak" (steak)
house, added the $7.95 "ayzkrem" (ice cream) sundae
called "Holy Cow" to its menu
in 1967?
13. Do you frequent a gas station Yes No
which offers gas at $4 a "galon" with this bonus: "KIDS EAT
FREE WITH FILLUP"?
14. Do you agree with Edmund Yes No
Conti that Mexican food to
go = Juan For The Road?
15. Do you define "mishpokhe" Yes
No
(family) as a group of people,
no two of whom like "frishtik" (breakfast) eggs the same way?
16. Is "di perzon" you'd
most want Yes No
to be like Mrs. (Debbi) Fields?
17. Have you recommended that Yes No
your significant "khaver" (friend)
join the ranks of ROMEOs --
Retired Old Men Eating Out?
18. Does the glove compartment Yes No
of your "oytomobile" contain
the Entertainment 2006 "bukh"?
19. Have you thrown out your Yes No
"kokhleff" (cooking spoon)
after the New York Times
published this offf-beat
correction on 11/26/2000: "A recipe for juniper-flavored
gravlax misstated the amount
of kosher salt. It is one-half
cup, not four cups"?
20. Do you agree with R. J. Jackson Yes No
when he defined "garnish" as
a noun meaning "a distraction
incredible for an entree inedible"?
21. Do you agree with the ads in Yes No
health food stores that attempt
to convince us to buy extracts
of vegetables we didn't even
know existed and make us
believe that if purified and
blended together, they're
somehow going to taste "beser" (better)?
22. Can you answer this "frage" Yes
No
(question): "How many people
will you be able to serve with
42 matzo balls or "kneydlekh"?
Ans. According to Rabbi
Benjamin Blech,"Figure 10 at
the most, and you'll be lucky."
23. Does your kitchen contain this Yes No
wooden sign:
"I CAME. I SAW. I DECIDED
TO ORDER TAKE OUT"?
24. Do you google this website: Yes No
"www.funnytummy.com"?
____
Marjorie G. Wolfe is no "kikh" stranger." She says, "Eat,
it's a mitzvah."
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