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*The Yiddish word for coffee is "kave"
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I had two dreams last "nakht." The first:
Two elderly Jewish women are sitting on a
bench on the boardwalk in Long Beach,
New York. One says to the other:
"Sylvia, have you heard? Sonya's got a new fella. She moved downtown and the next thing you know, she's involved 'mit' Irwin Renewal!"
The second: An "interesant" telephone conversation.
(Ring. Ring. Ring.)
"Hello."
"Is this Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe?"
"Yes. 'Vi haistu?" (What's YOUR name?)
"Mr. Schultz. DON'T HANG UP! I'm not selling anything."
"Vemen baristu?" (Whom are you kidding?) Writer, Dave Barry said, "When callers say this, they usually mean that they are selling something"... and he hangs up.
I begin to think..."Schultz, my cousin, Harley? No, he's "dokter" Schultz! And he wouldn't be calling me at this hour."
Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D - FL)?
Dwight ("Dutch") Schultz, New York City gangster of the 1920s and 30s? He's dead!
Theodore W. Schultz, winner of the 1979 Nobel Prize in Economics?
Ken Schultz, author of the "Tip-A-Day Fishing Calendar"? (So Many Fish, So Little Time). He wouldn't be calling me. I'm NOT one of those people who think that MEGABYTES means a great fishing day.
The hockey player, Dave "The Hammer" Schultz?
Finally, Mr. Schultz said that I should " Wake up and smell the coffee." He was Howard Schultz, the chairman of Starbucks.
Why would he be calling ME? I define " coffee" (n.) as the person upon whom one coughs. And I can never place an order for coffee by saying Tall, Grande, and Venti. (I think "Venti" means "twenty" in Italian.) Why I can't even pronounce Macchiato.
Little did he now that my favorite drink has always been a "glezel tai mit tzuker" (a glass of tea with a sugar cube held between the teeth). I learned that from my grandfather, Louis Gottlieb.
"Marjorie, I just read your book titled, 'Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Destruction? Yiddish Trivia," said Schultz.
"Antshuldik mir" (Excuse me), Mr. Schultz, it's Weapons of Mass INSTRUCTION, not Destruction."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he said
"I read what Harriet P. Gross wrote about your book in the Texas Jewish
Post:
'This book is not just chopped liver...Her
favorite advice, which originated with that
popular author of 'Kosher Sex," Rabbi
Shmuley Boteach, 'No chuppah, no shtuppa.'"
"Go on," I said.
"Well, as you probably know, Starbucks has been experimenting with selling everything from CDs to cold sandwiches and newspapers, and we're branching out to countries like China and India. We have inaugurated a program to sell one book at a time from our 'khava' shops. Mitch Albom's book, 'For One More Day' did very well in our stores. In 2008, we're planning on introducing another title; the selection process is already under way."
"Please continue," I said.
"I think that our customers need a few laughs, and we're considering offering your book in our stores. What Yiddish trivia do you think Starbucks customers would find most amusing?"
"Well, your customers have their lingo: 'an iced quad vent, no whip, white mocha.' And Jewish people have their lingo.
SBN South Bronx neshugedacht
YOW Yidden On Wheels (a Jewish motorcycle club)
C.D. Corner (of) Delancey
"Drek arayn, drek aroys" Computer term for "garbage in, garbage out"
VD "Voo Den" or volume discount
"Marge, Marge, wake up. You're having a dream," my husband said.
"Oh, well, 'Nit yeden mesles treft zikh a nes.'" (Not everyday leads into a miracle.)
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