JOEL SIEGEL, WE'll MISS YOU

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

According to Rabbi Benjamin Blech, "Jewbilation" has been defined as "pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish." Good Morning America's movie critic, Joel Siegel, passed away at the "yung" age of 63. He was Jewish.

Siegel was known for his sense of humor, his culinary skills, and his inexhaustible supply of stories.

Earlier in his career he worked as a joke writer for Sen. Robert F. Kennedy and was at the Ambassador Hotel the night the senator was assassinated. Siegel's favorite joke--that he wrote for Bobby--was a complaint ("tayne") about high prices and inflation ("inflatsye.") He'd change the street name to localize it. In Manhattan, the joke would go, "I don't want to say prices are high, but there's a butcher shop on Lexington Avenue that rents meat."

Siegel also worked for a while inventing names for "ayzkrem" flavors for Baskin- Robbins. "Smart as a Cookie (Dough)"? "Gentle Persuasion" (Ice cream with prunes and oatmeal)? "Tater Tot Vanilla" (for the offspring of today's couch potato)? NO! He invented Strawberry Cheese Ice Cream.

Siegel loved to poke fun at movies. "What I learned from this movie, 40 Days and 40 Nights: Abstinence can be a very good thing. Especially from box offices where this film is playing."

His humor is evident in this review: Siegel gave "Little Miss Sunshine" a rarely-awarded "A" rating. He said that "Orson Welles would have to come back to life for this not to make a year-end Top 10 list."

In 1997 Siegel was diagnosed with colon cancer. Shortly thereafter, he found out that he would be a father for the first time at age 54. He wrote the book, "Lessons for Dylan" because he did not expect to live long enough to meet him. (Dylan is now nine years old.)

Siegel said, "There is an awful lot we can offer our kids. The most important things are pieces of us."

My guess: Siegel shouted "S'iz a zun" (It's a son), when his wife, Ena Swansea, gave birth. Perhaps he even sang the song, " Shlof, Mayn Kind" (Sleep, My Child). For those unfamiliar with the words by Sholem Aleichem, they are shown below:

Sleep my child, my greatest pleasure, Sleep my little son, Sleep, my life and my dearest treasure, Sleep, my darling one Sleep, my life and my dearest treasure, Sleep, my darling one.

It is evident from reading "Lessons for Dylan," that Siegel believed in the Yiddish expression, "Nakhes fun kinder iz layerer fun gelt." (Joy from children is more precious than money.)

In the Introduction to the book, Siegel writes that "No, this isn't an autobiography; I've left a lot out. It was never intended to be complete. After all, I have to save something for the sequel. What if I live?"

In Chapter 1 ("I Don't Have Good News"), he wrote, "OK, I'm old. I'll be sixty-eight at your Bar Mitzvah, seventy-three when you graduate from high school."

Siegel taught his young son many facts of life.

• In those days before microwaves and digital timers and Swift Butterballs with pop-up thermometers, my mom had her own way of knowing when dinner was ready. She cooked by color. When everything was the same color, it was done."
  
• College is the only time in your adult life when you'll have time to waste. So, for Christ's sake, waste some. Sit up all night bull-shitting about whether there's a God or what truths are universal or whether Huckleberry Finn is the great nineteenth-century American novel.
  
• College is not a trade school. Don't major in theater, journalism, film, advertising, marketing, or that amazing boondoggle called 'Communications' that allegedly prepares America's youth for careers in broadcasting.
  
• If you quit school to be a kid actor, I'll write you off without a cent. It's in the Will.

His book also included a Glossary of Yiddish Words, from "Alter Kocker" to "Zhlob." His favorite: AF-tze-LOKH-ess, with the accent on the first and third syllable.

My favorite:

• "Conneh" is the Yiddish word for enema. (It was his bubbie's cure for everything.)
  
• "Lokshn Kugl" means noodle pudding. And I make a mean one.
  
• "Seykhl" means Sense. The opposite of a goyisher kop.
  
• "Tsores" - "...not only does Yiddish have at least twenty-nine words for 'schmuck,' it has no word for trouble in the singular. The Yiddish word is tsores, troubles. Plural. Yiddish grammarians may know of a singular form of tsoris, but I don't."
  
• "Yeshiva Bocher" - a Yeshiva student. He tells this story: After a year away studying, a Yeshiva bocher comes home. His mother answers the door, and there he is, with his long beard, and payess, a black wide-brimmed fur hat, a long black frock coat.

"Oy," his mother shouts, "Joe College!"

We'll miss you, Joel.

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!