  
|
"VEDER" (WEATHER) SERVICE
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
|
|
If you want to know the "veter" in
your part of the country,
Press 1. No kvetshn!
If you want a list of Yiddish "veter" terms,
Press 2.
"kalt" (cold)
"heys' (hot))
"varem" (warm)
"regndik" (rainy)
"zunik" (sunny)
"shney" (snow)
"nas" (wet)
"kil" (cool)
If you want to read one of David M.
Bader's weather-related "Haikus For Jews,"
Press 3.
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast--feh.
If you want to know who said, "I'm
not a hurricane expert,"
Press 4.
Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff said that responding to criticism about the dismal federal response to Katrina.
If you want to know the meaning of
the Yiddish expression, "As es shneyt, meynt
es as Got flikt di kishens, un lozt aroys di
federn,"
Press 5.
When it's snowing, it means God is letting the feathers out of the pillows.
If you want to speak with Norm Dvoskin,
weather anchor for News 12, L. I. about his
comment, "Morning Showers--Drench
Toast,"
Press 6.
If you want to comment on Randy Newman's
quote, "Another
perfect day in
L.A. one more of those sunny, 75-degree
days that are as dry as a Noel Coward quip,"
Press 7.
If you want the symptoms for SAD (Seasonal
Affective Disorder) and "rain
avoidance" syndrome,
Press 8.
If you want to see the cartoon "The Best
Years" by Ed Hechtman,
Press 9.
Two men are sitting on a park
bench. One says to the other:
(caption)
"Howard...Why are hurricanes
named after women?"
"Because...when they arrive,
they are exciting...But when they
leave, they take your car and house!"
If you want to hear the Feigenbaum joke,
Press 10.
Beckie and Solly Feigenbaum are in bed. "Listen, Beckie," said Solly,"do me a favor and close "der"fentster" (the window), it's cold outside." And if I close 'der "fentster,' will it be warm outside?"
If you want to hear Norm Dvoskin's
definition of a weather forecaster,
Press 11.
Weather forecaster - A person to whom one and one is two-- probably.
If you want a copy of a brochure sent to
Malibu, CA, residents as part of its emergency preparedness campaign,
Press 12.
The brochure said, "Never go to the beach to watch for, or surf, a Tsunami wave!"
If you want to know what Lewis Black said
about monsoons,
Press 13.
"In Arizona, they have monsoons,
a wall of sand followed by water.
That's not weather, that's pottery."
If you are interested in Norm Dvoskin's Tips
for forecasting weather,
Press 14.
Get a rock from somewhere, and
place it somewhere like in your
yard or something!
That's all you have to do, and
you're ready for forecasting!!!
If you don't want to use a rock,
you can use a horse ("ferd"),
works just as well!!!
If it's dry-----Weather's Clear
If it's wet-----It's Raining
If it's white-----It's Snowing
If it's gone-----Tornado
If you want to know how many times
Al Roker has been named (by New York
magazine) as "Best Weatherman,"
Press 15.
"tsvey mol" (twice)
If you want to know the punchline for a
popular cartoon in Arizona which depicts
two skeletons in the desert under a cactus,
Press 16.
One tells the other, "But it's a dry heat!"
If you want to know the ending to
a Norm Dvoskin tale which starts, "My favorite TV
weatherman just got married. He said he
was happy today, but...,
Press 17.
would be taking things four days at a time."
If you want to know the meaning of Rule
No. 916 (Esquire magazine, Dec. 2005),
Press 18 + "chei"
Rule No. 916 says, "The application of human names to hurricanes is a meteorological absurdity."
If you want to know why some hurricane
names are never used again,
Press 19.
If a hurricane causes great damage, its name is never used again - so as not to tempt fate, perhaps. Such"gut nayes" (good news)!
If you agree with Steven Wright that "It
only rains straight down. God doesn't do
windows,"
Press 20.
If you are unaware of the fact that as snow
piles up in the Northeast and the glaciers
continue to melt in Alaska, confused Eskimos have been migrting to Times
Square,
Press 21.
According to Newslaugh.com, The Eskimos, now displaced and confused, have recently appealed to Mayor Michael Blumberg to mandate reduced parking rates for dogsleds. So far the mayor has resisted their importunities, saying "There can be no preferential treatment for any particular segment of New York society. We're all overpaying for parking space and that's actually good for the city's finances, because when people can't afford the lots and park on the street, we can issue them parking tickets. If you take a look at the city budget, you'll see that, without the income generated by parking tickets, NYC would have to make up for the shortfall by selling the island of Manhattan back to the Indians so they can open what they discovered to be their way to the American dream, casinos, and the city can tap that lucrative resource. So the question is, what do you want - reduced parking rates or casinos?"
If you agree with Steven Wright that" draughts
are because God didn't pay his water bill,"
Press 22.
If you agree that one of the perks
of being over "zekhtsik" (60) is that your joints are
more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service,
Press 23.
If you are aware that climate experts William Gray and Philip Klotzbach are
predicting 17 named storms in 2006, nine
strengthening into hurricanes and five
reaching at least category 3,
Press 24 and BEGIN "DAVENEN" NOW!
If you want to know the rule about dwelling
in the Sukkah during the week of Sukkot,
Press 25.
One is not obligated to suffer through bad weather or put oneself in danger to be in the sukkah.
If you want to hear what Barack Obama, the
Democratic speaker, had to say about the
president's unauthorized snooping,
Press 26.
He advised W to "spy on the Weather Channel, and find out when big storms are coming."
If you want to know how I am feeling, you
are calling the wrong number since nobody
ever asks me how I am feeling.
HANG UP NOW!
_________
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
| Yiddish
Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe |
Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World |
