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A YIDDISH GUIDE TO THE HUMOR OF
HENNY YOUNGMAN
1906-1998
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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From the 2003 Learning Annex course, "Instant Yiddish," I learned to say classic Yiddish proverbs like, "Nit keyn entfer iz oykh an entfer." (No answer is also an answer.) But from the late Henny Youngman's book [with Neal Karlen], "Take My Life, Please," I learned these Yiddish terms:
"Nem di Gelt" (Get the money.)
"Alter kocka"/"Alter-kaker"
(Lecherous old man)
"Mensh tracht - Gott lacht"
(Man plans, God laughs.)
"Luftmensh"/"Luftmensch"
(An impractical contemplative person having no definite business or income)
Henny Youngman (AKA the "King of the
One-Liners"), was famous for his simple,
rapid-fire jokes. He was a lifelong B'klyn
resident who got his big break on the Kate
Smith show in 1937. Even at "nayntsik" (90)
he was still performing.
Youngman would take his fiddle and go to some hotel that had banquet rooms. He'd consult the daily directory in the lobby and find a party--usually a Bar Mitzvah re- ception--and he would go up to the room and ask to speak to whoever was paying for the affair. "I'm Henny Youngman," he would tell that person. "I was playing a date in another banquet room and one of the waiters suggested you might want to have me do my act for your gathering here." He would negotiate whatever price he could get--$200, $500, preferably in cash--and he would do his act for them.
Shown below you'll find a sampling of Henny Youngman's humor:
"aitzeh" (advice)
[to other entertainers], "Nem di gelt."
(Get the money.)
"akhtsik" (80)
My grandmother is over eighty and still
doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of
the bottle.
"aroyf" (up)
In a blackout, a Chelmer was stuck on an
escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why
didn't you walk down?" He said "because I
was going up!"
"arterye" (arthritis)
Youngman tells the story of the doctor who
called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "Big
deal! So did my arthritis."
"bagazh" (baggage)
Youngman told the story about getting on a plane. He told the ticket lady, "Will you
please send one of my bags to New York,
send one to Los Angeles, and send one to
Miami." The girl looked at him strangely
and said, "Sorry, sir, we can't do that! The
bag must go with you to your destination."
Youngman sighed and said, "I don't know
what's the problem! You did just that last
week."
"(ba) tsoln" (to pay)
Hollywood called me asking me, "How much
to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?"
$50,000." They called back. "How about
$20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it."
"beys-oylem" (cemetery)
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
"bruder" (brother)
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
"brustkasn" (chest- anatomy)
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's
chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
"erd" (earth)
My wife is an earth sign. I am a water sign.
Together we make mud.
"ferd" (horse)
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse.
The horse turns around and says, "Why are
you hitting me, there is nobody behind us?"
'fertl" (dos) - (quarter; one-fourth)
A drunk goes up to a parking meter,
puts in a quarter. The meter dial goes to
60. The drunk says, "Gosh, I lost 100 pounds."
"fus" (leg)
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?"
The doctor says, "Limp."
"gelt" (money)
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
"hot" (hair)
Where did you get your haircut, the pet
shop"?
"hust" (cough)
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and
said, "cough."
"kave" (coffee)
A bum asked me, "Can I have $300
for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a
quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want
to drink it in Brazil!"
"kikh' (kitchen)
My wife said to me, "For our anniversary I
want to go somewhere I've never been
before." I said, "Try the kitchen!"
"kinig" (king)
My wife's cooking is fit a king. (gesturing as
if feeding an invisible dog). "Here King,
here King!"
"kleyn" (small)
The room they gave me is so small. When I
put the key in the lock, I broke the window!
"kostyum" (suit)
Was that suit made to order? Where were
you at the time?"
"morgn" (tomorrow)
If you're going to do something tonight
that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
"moyz" (mouse)
My room is so small, the mice are hunch-
backed.
"nisn" (to sneeze)
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to
say.
"opfal" (garbage/trash)
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his
trash taken away. So how does he get rid of his trash? He just gift wraps it, and puts it into the rear seat of his car and leaves the
door unlocked when he goes to a shopping
center.
"oyer-veytik" (earache)
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
"oylem" (audience)
"I never change my material--just my
audience."
"politsyant" (policeman)
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks
the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No," says the cop." "What about all the other
cars that are parked here?" The officer
said, "They didn't ask!"
"rayz" (rice)
She's been married so many times she has
rice marks on her face.
"restoran" (restaurant)
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French.
Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant.
"shiker" (drink/intoxicated)
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge
says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get
started."
"shtele" (job)
My brother just got a great job. He's a
lifeguard in a car wash."
"shukh" (shoe)
Imelda Marcos was so happy to have been
acquitted that she immediately flew to
Israel to plant a shoe tree.
"shviger" (mother-in-law)
A fella says, "I just got back from a pleasure
trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
"sod" (secret)
Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
"taam" (taste)
A bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry; it
still tastes the same!"
"telegram" (telegram)
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a
telegram and on the top put "page 2."
"trefshpil" (puzzle)
Have you seen the new Chelm jigsaw puzzle? One piece!
"tsayt" (time)
I was just in London--there is a 6 hour time
difference. I'm still confused when I go to
dinner. I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.
"tsol" (number)
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has
an unlisted number.
"veter" (weather)
Last night my wife said the weather outside
was fit for neither man nor beast, so we
both stayed home.
"vey ton" (hurt/cause pain)
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I
do this." "Then don't do that!"
"vog" (weight)
I know a guy who has his doctor say, "Take
some weight off, go to a health club."
The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off.
"yontoyvim" (holidays)
I once wanted to become an athiest, but I
gave up--they have no holidays.
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