the schmooze

*Chocolitvak" is one of the flavors offered
by "The Pasken & Rabbis Ice Cream Menu"

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Everyone's talking about the recent publication of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J. K. Rowling. It's scheduled to go on sale in Israel at 2 a.m. on Saturday, July 21, during the Jewish Sabbath. "A shande un a kharpe!" (A shame and a disgrace!) A spokeswoman for the Steinmatzky book chain said, "The book will go on sale here at the same time as in other places around the world."

For those who are familiar with the Potter series--and according to Phyllis D. Morris-- "Harry not only feels happier when he eats chocolate after facing the Dementors, but on other occasions as well: chocolate produces a chemical in one's brain that induces contentment."

You know you're a chocoholic when...

1. You walk around the synagogue whispering, "Nobody knows the truffles I've seen."

2. You tell the waitress at your favorite restaurant: "I'd like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition."

3. You love a man with chocolate on his " otem" (breath).

4. You're convinced that Eve left the "Ganaiden" (Garden of Eden) for chocolate.

5. You've solved the problem of How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from Shop Rite in a hot car: Eat it in the parking lot!

6. You adhere to the theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. (It may be a "bobe mayse," (old-wive's tale) but do you dare take a chance?)

7. You enjoy a $65 chocolate pedicure from Spa Dieci in Manhasset, New York. (The one-hour pedicure includes a chocolate scrub, mask, moisturizer, and a cup of hot chocolate.)

8. You named your third child "Godiva."

9. Your three favorite Broadway shows were "Oh! Choclotta," "Plaza Sweet," and "Fudgetrap."

10. Your bank vault contains a collection of Dixie Picture Lids with their big-name movie stars and cowboys.

11. Dinner with a few intimate friends means Hershey, Teuscher, and Cadbury.

12. Your mailman delivers "adult chocolates" in a plain 'broyn' (brown) paper bag.

13. Your weekly shopping list contains Trader Joe's great organic chocolate bars.

14. You belong to the Chocolate-of-the- Season Club.

15. You've been chosen to lead the office singalong and you start with the old time song, "Oh! My Eskimo Pie," by Dale Wimbrow.

16. You're shocked to discover that some people order "two-cents plain," and love it!

17. Your significant other accuses you of having a rendezvous with Haagen-Dazs Rocky Road.

18. You completed the New York Times crossword puzzle with "mode mode," meaning two scoops of ice cream with pie or cake.

19. You find yourself constantly jogging behind the Mr. Softee "ayzkrem" truck.

20. You won the Baskin-Robbins Poster Contest by providing the following caption under the picture of a huge chocolate 'ayzkrem' cone: SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT--EAT THE PACKAGE.

21. Your answering machine offers the following taped message: "Sorry I missed your call. I'm at the 'dokter's' office apparently suffering from Baskinrobbinsitus, that sudden pain one gets in the sinuses when one eats ice cream too fast.

22. Your fortune cookie carries both good and bad news: The bad news: "You are going to heaven." The good news: "Heavenly Hash 'ayzkrem' is served enroute."

23. You limit your son's 'universitet' (college) applications to Gettysburg, Muhlenberg, and Franklin and Marshall, all located within a one-hour drive of Hershey, Pennsylvania.

24. You shudder to think how World War II would have gone without those 500,000-a- day Field Ration D chocolate bars Hershey provided. (After World War II, American G.I.'s gave out chocolate bars as a way of winning children's affection.)

25. You agree with Lenny Bruce, who said, "Chocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish."

26. You sent each of your children the following Shoebox Greeting Card: "No need to send me a big, expensive, heart-shaped box of chocolates and a couple of dozen roses for Valentine's Day. Just bring 'em over when you come."

Marjorie Wolfe was noshing on chocolate-flavored Rugelach while typing this article.

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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