the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Martin Marcus ("The Power of Yiddish Thinking") wrote about The Flat Statement (Chutzpah).  He asked, "Are these glittering generalities true or false according to Yiddish thinking?

     #20  Harvard is overrated.

The answer:  True.  Harvard Shmarvard.  Alittle more grass, a little more ivy, and you learn to pick your nose with your little finger sticking out.

In 2005, there's Trump Tower, Trump Bar, Donald Trump, The Fragrance, Trump Ice Spring Water, Trump "ayzkrem" (ice cream) flavors, "Red Velvet" and "Vanilla Donut."  And there's the Trump Taj Mahal, and a musical called "The Apprentice," which is headed for Broadway next spring.  There are two types of Donalds in "di velt" (the world): ducks and Trumps!  "Klug vi der velt!" (Very smart.  Clever as the world . . . business mogul, Donald.)

Get out "der tshek" (the check) and Welcome to Trump University.

Don't expect a college "bicher-krom" (bookstore), ivy-covered walls, a "fusbal" (football) team, fraternities and sororities, or a graduation ceremony.  Your education will consist of online courses, CD-ROMS, and Learning Annex-type seminars. (The Learning Annex reached a deal with Trump to present three classes in 2005 titled, "How to Succeed in Real Estate."  For each l-hour class he will be paid $1 "milyon."  That's more than "zekhtsn toyznt" ($16,000) a minute!  We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.  (A classic Goldwynism.)

Students can register for classes in marketing, "grunteygns" (real estate) and entrepreneurship.  The Donald said, "You don't have to go through four years to learn a lot." The average range of time to complete a course  is "finf" (5) to "tsen" (10) hour.  And, yes, you can purchase Trump University Winner Wear:  T-shirts, Polo shirts, and sweatshirts -- over the Internet.

According to Jake Novak, the Top 5 Classes offered at the new Trump University will be:

    5) Pre-nup Economics
    4) Comb-over geometry
    3) Swedish for guys who want to date models
    2) The history of trophy wives
    1) The Ego, Superego, and Trump Ego

There are no courses titled, "Trump-O-Nomics," "Terminating 101," or "How to Negotiate Out of Chapter 11."  And there are no classes that will prepare you to work with your hands.  As Jackie Mason wrote, every Jewish mother told her child, "You should work with your mind, not with your hands."  That's why to this day a Jew's mind moves, but his hands--never.

Another comic said, "Donald Trump says his new business school, Trump University, will issue no real degrees and offer no real classes. Apparently the idea came from the same people who made his hair."

Courses will cost "dray hundert" ($300).  That's "billik vi borsht" (cheap as borsht or a real bargain), especially for someone who frequently uses this Goldwynism, "I read part of Trump's newest book all the way through."

The school emphasizes "learning by doing," and staffers have been instructed to refer to students as "customers."

Irving Rein believes that "you might have the Tom Cruise School of Acting."  Rein says the worth of Trump University will not be  known for several years.  "If we find out that 25 of the top executives of S & P 500 corporations are people who've taken Trump University courses, that would really say something, wouldn't it?"

Neil Steinberg (Daily News) reminds us that The Don had "a big head start that can't be found in any course, and that first step seems awfully important."  (Choose your parents carefully!)

So, if you're planning to register for a real estate course at Trump University, don't expect the instructor to quote Jackie Mason:

       Every Jew knows a building he could've bought thirty years ago for nine dollars.  They'll all tell you, "Do you know what that building is worth today? One hundred and eighty-seven million!  They talked me out of it, those . . ."

Remember, a "leydikgeyer" (a person with no trade, profession, or means of support) is contemptible!

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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