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MY SON'S IN A "QUARTERLIFE KRIZIS"*
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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*The Yiddish word for crisis is "krizis"
My "shokhente" (female neighbor) has begun to "kvetsh" about her 23-year-old son, a recent "kaledzh" (college) graduate with $24,000 worth of student loans. She calls him a "NEET"--a young person who isn't working, in school or in a training program. [From the phrase Not in employment, education, or training.]
Neets is a British term referring to young teenagers and adults with nothing to do. American graduates suffering in the current job market also fit the description.
She also describes her son's predicament as a "quarterlife crisis"--feeling of confusion ("tsemishung"), anxiety ("umru"), and self-doubt experienced by some people in their twenties, especially after completing their education. Many young people will embark on gap-year travels--not just schools and college leavers leaping off the academic hamster wheel, but a growing number of restless twenty-somethings suffering from "quarterlife crisis."
My neighbor says that her "zun" is sitting around at home in his Joe Boxer Yellow and black Two Faced Licky Lounge Pants. "When I left this morning, he was watching a tape of "Jersey Shore"--the reality show about the boozy entanglements of young pseudo-Italians who happen to be spending their summer vacation on the Jersey shore (Seaside Heights)."
She continues, "He complains about this transitional housing and is petrified of job interviews, calling it a 'religious experience': you go into the office full of faith and hope on the chance that they might show a little charity.
This mom has kept a diary of her son's job hunting schedule, and has agreed to share it with TheSchmooze readers:
8:30 a.m. GE "zeyger" (clock) radio goes off.
8:31 Wakeup call
from Mom; she's at
her
office since 8:15. Suggests
that
son read an article titled,
"Fun
Employment--n. A period of
joblessness
that a person uses for
leisure
and other fun activities."
8:32 Dad calls
and says, "Shlofn shpet
brengt
oremkayt." (Sleeping late
brings
poverty.)
8:41 Read horoscope/horrorscope
Libra
- Sept. 3 - Oct. 22
Best
career moves: bailiff in a
kangaroo
court, ambulance
chaser,
tightrope walker.
8:45 Enters Euro-style
kitchen. Notices
large
box of Tic-Tac-Toe Cheerios.
Plays
tic-tac-toe on the cereal
box's
detachable game board.
8:55 Dresses. Drives
to Dunkin' Donuts
for
Egg Cheese Eng. Muffin (290
calories,
9 grams of fat). Check
Newsday's
Help Wanted ads.
Circles
one possibility:
DISNEYLAND.
Immed. opening for
voice-animated
character
performers. Extensive
training
and
must following very detailed
rules: Visible
tattoos are
forbidden,
sideburns may not pass
the
earlobes, and mustaches are
allowed
if they are no longer than
the
corner of the employee's
mouth. Male
employees may
NOW
wear their hair in cornrows.
Apply
online....
9:00 Returns home. Calls
dad at his
law
firm to confirm that Walt
Disney
wore a mustache. HE DID!
Examines
laser-printed resume.
Calls
college roommate and
"frayndlekh" (friendly)
proofreader,
Jonathan. Asks him
to
scrutinize resume and cover
letter. Inquire
whether he's
begun
job hunting.
9:10 Shower....and
shave mustache.
While
in the shower, does what
Ray
Ramono ("Everybody Loves
Raymond")
does: Brings a
checklist
right into the shower:
Turn
on "kalt" (cold) water
Turn
on "heys" (hot) water
Burn
("bren")
Freeze
("farfroyrn vern")
Burn,
but a little less
Wash
("vashn")
Lather
Sing "Piano
Man"
Rinse
Check
for ticks
9:25 Jonathan arrives. Checks
resume
and
eliminates "Reason for leaving
last
job: It had to do with the IRS,
FBI,
and SEC. Hey, no problem."
Corrects
spelling error: Work
Experience: Salesperson
in a
STATIONARY
store.
10:00 Drives to Staples for
#10
envelopes. Completes
their job
application
while waiting on the
cashier's
line.
11:00 Calls airlines for an
Account
Summary
of Frequent Flyer Bonus
Program.
ll:10 Takes one
Valium for severe case
of "Interviewphobia"--a
Mollie
Fermaglich
term for "the fear that
you'll
be hired by someone young
enough
to think that Woodstock
is
Snoopy's bird-pal.
11:30 Tunes in to "The View." Barbara
Walters
asks viewers to call in if
they
have "graduated from
college
just two weeks ago and
their
parents are on their case to
get
a hi-paying job WITH HEALTH
INSURANCE
BENEFITS."
12:30 Reads computerized list
of
"unusual" questions
posed by
applicants
for white-collar jobs:
1. Does
your health insurance
cover
dog grooming?
2. What
are the zodiac signs of all
the
board members and their
wives?
3. Do
I have to dress for the next
interview?
4. What
is it that your people do
at
this company?
5. Why
am I here?
12:40 Stops at the post office to
buy 100
stamps
to use during job search.
1 p.m. Call from mom inquiring whether I
mailed
my resume to Owens-
Corning. Reminded
that they
DON'T
make Corning Ware!
1:30 Mailed resume to Owens-Corning.
1:45 Called the College
of Menominee
Nation
in Keshena, WI, for infor-
mation
abut their two-year
program
in Casino Gambling.
2:00 Answered ad for
summer job as a
food
server at Hog Heaven Sports
Bar & Food
Emporium. Formerly
Sandbar. Job
requirements:
Inhaling
and Exhaling.
2:20 Practiced the Latin
expression,
"Num
isgta optima est?"
(Is
that your best offer?)
2:30 Read article in
Wall Street Journal.
The
Children's Television
Workshop
will trim 47 jobs as part
of
what the company calls a
"strategic
refocus."
2:40 Check Staples catalog
for cost of
Ergo
chair. Check dictionary for
meaning
of "ergonomics."
2:50 Read the New School's
Summer
Catalog. Consider
enrolling in a
course
titled, "How to Open a
Coffee
Bar."
2:52 Enjoy a cup of Cafe
Sarks Gourmet
Coffee. It's "batamt" (delicious).
2:55 Check mail. "gornisht." (Nothing.)
2:58 Called Uncle Lou at his
Miami Beach
delicatessen
to inquire whether he
needs
additional help this "vinter."
2:59 Practice John Crittenden's
list of
10
Yiddish words needed to
understand
the chatter in a Miami
Beach
deli:
(1)
Bialy, (2) Challah, (3) Borscht,
(4)
Gelt, (5) Knish, (6) Kuegel,
(7)
Latkes, (8) Lox, (9) Maven,
(10)
Zaftig.
3:00 Read the Monthly Labor Review
to
determine
the turnover in
American
manufacturing industry.
3:10 Stopped into the public
library to
enlist
the aid of the Reference
Librarian
in checking the OOH--
the
Occupational Outlook
Handbook.
Feeling "opgelakevetg"--
totally
worn out. "Di shvertsteh
arbet
iz arumtsugain laidik."
(The
hardest work is to go idle.)
3:30 Read the Scope Series for the B'way show, "Enter Laughing." The mother (Sylvia Sidney) says to David (Alan Arkin), who wants to attend acting school:
"David, you have a job. Do a good job. You're going to be a druggist. You'll be a good druggist. You'll get married. Be a good husband, a good father. A good tramp till four you don't have to be."
4:00 Read New York Magazine (Intelligencer/Posts): "...a blogger announced that he was leaving his job and moving out of the city because HIS BOSS WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM A DAY OFF TO SEE LADY GAGA."
4:30 Hang college diploma in den.
4:40 Locate Benjamin Moore "Off White"
paint. Touch
up wall. Rehang
diploma
2" lower.
5:00 Read N. Y. Times. Note
that Chock
full
o'Nuts Coffee Shops will be
opening
its first old style restaurant
in
decades. They have plans to
develop
50 restaurants across the
city. Imagine,
whole-wheat donuts,
nut-and-cheese
sandwiches...and
"heavenly
coffee." Makes note to
contact
Jim LaGanke, a vice
president
of the company.
Thinks: Can
I use the abbreviation
CFoN
for Chock full o'Nuts? Should
I
mention in my cover letter that I'm
aware
that the Chock Classic is still
"datenut
bread with cream cheese"
and
whole wheat donuts"--NOT
DOUGHNUTS? And
will they be
impressed
that I'm aware that
Jackie
Robinson became vice-pres.
of
personnel for Chock Full o'Nuts
in
1957?
5:30 Dinner. Mom and dad ask about job search. Resort to "Samalaman," n. One who fills in the gaps in conversations by beaming genially at people and saying, "Well, well, well, here we all are then," a lot.
Google myself to make sure nothing negative comes up. Experiencing numbness and tingling in both hands and wrists. Check recent issue of The John Hopkins Medical Letter, which discusses repetitive strain injuries, or RSI.
6:00 Heads to bedroom to read the book titled, "Can I Wear My Nose Ring to the Interview" by Ellen Gordon Reeves.
6:45 Begins singing the jingle:
'Chock
full o'Nuts is that heavenly
coffee. Better
coffee a millionaire's
money
can't buy." (The word
"millionaire's" was
replaced by
"billionaire's" in
an updated version
of
the jingle.)
Heads
for "der kompyuter" to get
online
with "FindAFranchise.com,
and
check out Chock full o'Nuts
franchise. The
Minimum Liquid
Capital
- $100,000. Total Investment: $100,000 - $468,000.
9:00 Says goodnight to parents.
Thinks: "Most
of us have two
chances of becoming
wealthy:
slim and none.
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