the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

I've seen the ads for Viagra, Clariton, Ritalin, and Cellasee, the cure for "cottage cheese thighs."  What really touches my "harts" are the "God Speaks" billboards which are meant to pique the interest of people who don't attend church or synagogue.

The billboards contain different slogans, among them:

  "Don't make me come down there--God"

  "Let's meet at my house on Sunday before the Game"

I recently began to "fregn zikh" (ask myself/ wonder) what celebrity women might say if they were asked to contribute a message to this cause.  Let's see:

"God accepts all people, even those who think 'espresso' is an 'overnight delivery system.'"
       Julia Child/Meryl Streep

"God says that 'Life is Uncertain.  Eat dessert first.'"
       Sara Lee

"Every parent knows that raising children requires bicycle helmets, Beanie Babies, notebook paper, prayers, skill, the grace of God and plain dumb luck."
       Amy Dickinson (Time magazine contributor)

"God loves decorator mavens; he also loves those who are 'domestically challenged.'"
      Martha Stewart

"God loves Jews who enroll in yoga classes; he also loves people who do not do yoga because they suffer from sciatica, bunions, and acid reflux."
       Lisa Grunberger
       ("Yiddish Yoga - Ruthie's Adventures
       in Love, Loss, and the Lotus Position")

"God still makes housecalls."
      Dr. Quinn (Medicine Woman)

"If computer problems shut down our communications systems and make it impossible to reach a therapist, remember that God is always listening."
      Dr. Joyce Brothers

"There's never a need to ask, 'Are you there, God?'"
      Judy Blume (author)

"God, if you're there, can you answer me one question?  Did you have to name me Bernice Frankel?"
      Bea Arthur (actress)

"You can't speed read the BIBLE."
      Evelyn Wood (speed reading maven)

"God never makes a fashion statement-- but He suggests that you avoid the new color, 'impeachment blue.'"
      Andrea Ross (head of wardrobe for CBS

"God never asks someone who stays at home caring for children if they work."
      Patricia Ireland (NOW)

"There's nothing like a little exercise to change a man's life--especially if it's a walk down a church aisle."
      Jane Fonda

"Sorry, dahling, I'm broke.  It doesn't work any more.  God's new accepting American Express.  Try the electronic funds transfer machines at your church.  They'll even supply a 'placebo envelope' to avoid embarrassment of not anteing up when the collection plate is passed around."
      Zsa Zsa Gabor

"God is Mad About You."
      Helen Hunt (AKA "Jamie Buchman")

"God doesn't guarantee 'Nothin' but Good Times Ahead.'"
     Mollie Ivins (author)

"G is for God"
     Sue Grafton (mystery author;
     alphabetical book series)

"You'll never hear Got say, 'I'm the boss, applesauce'"
     Judge JudySheindlin

"During an interview, I asked God if he were a boat, what kind would he be--a dreamboat, a sailboat, a luxury liner, or the Titanic.  What do YOU think?"
     Barbara Walters

"Who would you call at 2 a.m. in the morning?"
     Lily Tomlin
     (Ernestine, the power-mad ego-maniacal
     telephone switchboard operator)

"God says that the leading cause of death in Florida is exhaustion, caused by house guests from the north."
     Columba Bush (Gov. Jeb Bush's wife)

"God does not approve of JDate and other matchmaking services."
     Yente, the matchmaker
     "Fiddler on the Roof"


Search for Stories Beginning with the Letter
N O P Q R S T U V W   Y Z
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

Yiddish Stuff
Jewish Humor
Schmooze News
More Majorie Wolfe
Jewish Stories
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World
Site Designed and Maintained by
Haruth Communications