the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

The 2nd Ave. Deli, which closed its doors seven months ago, is soon to be replaced by Chase. (Oh, you thought it would be a Duane Reade drugstore?) It's a "shandeh un a charpeh" (shame and disgrace)! Wouldn't Bank Leumi have been a better choice?Open a bank account; get a toaster. Banks don't give away toasters much today. iPods and George Forman grills, yes! And about 70% of accounts are opened by females of the household.

Like most customers, I love freebies. I'm writing to the CEO of Chase suggesting that when Chase opens for business on Second Avenue, that they offer their customers the following gifts:

Box of Jewish fortune cookies with over 100 different authentic Jewish proverbs and witticisms:

  1. May your pastrami never have mayonnaise on it.
  2. You will meet a real mentsh at our bank--tall, dark and calls his mother every day.

"Tzedukah" box.

Aleph-Bet refrig. magnets.

FREE evaluation by a personal trainer at Kosher Gym, New York's only fully equipped, state-of- the-art fitness center catering specifically to the Orthodox Jewish &nb sp; community.

Hebrew date converter.

Pair of tix to see the movie, "Boynton Beach Club" (AKA "The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club.)

Shvitz sports towel.

"A Little Joy, A Little Oy," 2007 Calendar" by Marnie Winston-Macauley. "Age Doesn't Mattter Unless You're a Cheese" (Page-A-Day Calendar)

FREE copy of Heeb magazine's MONEY ISSUE. (HEEB IS A Carnival Cruise to the Garden of Eden with all-you-can-eat cheese- cake and Parliament as the house band. Hallelujah.)

Copy of "The Molly Goldberg Cookbook," (1955 edition); Limited quantities.

Copy of "Haiku Mama: Because 17 Syllables is All You Have Time to Read" by Kari Anne Roy. & Ex. When she was my mom She said no sweets before lunch Hypocrite grandma.

Copy of "Bar Mitzvah Disco" by Rabbi Dr. Goldie Milgram. The author writes, "Remember when Aunt Edna came ready to mount an assault on the dessert buffet in her best lime-green polyester pantsuit?"

Copy of book, "From Shmear to Eternity - The Only Book of Yiddish ; You'll Ever Need" by Fred Kogos.

"Got Latkes?" apron.

Barbequed Matzo Ball apron inscribed "SHALOM, Y'ALL."

Instructions on how to make the "Neil Tzedakah Box," and "the Borscht Belt" (from the book, "JUDAIKITSCH, Tchotchkes, Schmattes and Nosherei" by Traig & Traig.)

(second poster) "Tsu hoben gelt iz a guteh zach; tsu hoben dai'eh iber di gelt, iz noch besser." (To have money is a good thing; to have a say over the money is better.)

Copy of "Memories of TV's Greatest Talk Show" ; by Mike Douglas. FYI: Mike once asked Groucho Mark about discrimination. Groucho said he knew a little about discrimination firsthand. When he first moved to LA, already a star, his daughter had come home crying from a ritzy country club. They wouldn't let her swim in the pool because she was Jewish. "so, I wrote them a letter. I explained that I was a Jew but her mother was a Christian. I said, 'Since she's only half Jewish, is it all right if she just goes in up to her waist?"

CD, a bisel music from "The Second Avenue Klezmer Ensemble."


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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