...and Have a "Gliklekh"*
Cholesterol-Free Thanksgiving

*In Yiddish, the word "gliklekh" means happy

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

I'm not too concerned as the holiday approaches because since 1981 I've been calling the Butterball Turkey Talk Hotline. The Hotline Supervisor and I are on a first-name basis.

"Hi, Jean, Marge Wolfe from Syosset, New York. How are you and the "mispokhe"?

"Just fine, thanks. How can I help you this year?"

"Well, everyone at our Thanksgiving dinner table is either watching their cholesterol, limiting their intake of salt, 'tsuker,' and MSG, or on the Dr. Fatkins' Diet. The twelve-phase individualized eating plan allows you to knowledgeably select which foods to eat based on smell, appearance and animal from which the fat was removed. Recipes include:

Butter Nut Thigh Soup "Indulgent" Cellulite Cream Pie "Fajita Fat with Peppers "Jamaican Jerk Fat (we are not able to list these ingredients as it may be too distasteful for some)

And, according to the Placebo Journal (Feb. 2004), Dr. Cletus J. Fatkins is the leading champion of the all-you-can-eat fat approach to nutrition. He is an esteemed nutritionist who was never able to finish college. His degree is in results!... Dr. Fatkins received an internet diploma that has questionable legal ramifications. (President Bush has referred to the World Wide Web as the Internets!) Thousands of people have heard the doctor talk on Infomercials, which has only increased his credibility.

"Go on, Marge, I'm listening."

"Another guest at the Thanksgivi! ng table is on the Calorie Restriction diet, whose premise is that the less you eat, the longer you live. New York Magazine reported that flab studies going back to the thirties, indicate that mice on severely limited diets have consistently lived as much as 50 percent longer than the oldest of their well-fed peers."

Before the above-mentioned relative arrives, I removed the following sign from my refrigerator:

__________________________________________
BARBARA COOK COULDN'T POSSIBLY
PRODUCE THOSE MAGNIFICENT
SOUNDS FROM A THIN BODY.
__________________________________________
Truthfully, I'm in agreement with Isaac Mizrahi, who said, "Emaciated frames on women are out!"

"Please continue, Marge."

My four grandchildren will arrive and immediately start with the holiday jokes:

"Grandma, did you hear about the lady who was picking through the frozen turkeys at the Shop Rite grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family? She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No, ma'am, they're dead.'"

My daughter-in-law, Teri, will share the following Gene Perret joke: "He's thankful for smoke alarms. They let you know when the turkey's done."

Dan, who is flying in from Denver, follows Austin's Law: IT TASTES BETTER IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOUSE. His primary concern is that the hostess (that's me) should allow at least 24" at the dining room table for each adult, and each guest should be allowed a depth of 16 to 18" for individual dishes and glassware. Since ZAYDE'S Restaurant o! pened on 15th & Lawrence in Denver, he's become the entertaining maven.

"Marge, I'm still here."

"My middle son, Jonathan, will share a humorous story about actress Helen Hayes:

As she retired to the kitchen to put the finishing touches to the dinner preparation, Helen Hayes warned her family: "This is the first turkey I've ever cooked. If it isn't right, I don't want anybody to say a word. We'll just get up from the table, without comment, and go down to the hotel for dinner." She returned some ten minutes later to find the family seated expectantly at the dinner table--wearing their hats and coats.

Matthew, son #1, will perform a Stephen Colbert comedy act where he will address all the females at the table saying, "Girls, if we can't see your ribs, you're ugly."

The Hotline Supervisor laughed, tactfully reminded me to pull the plug on "di televisye," VCR, "tselularer telefon," "pazhir" (pager), and Dell "kompyuter," and to keep in mind that the best holiday entertaining is more than the turkey, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce and the pecan pie. It's the presence of a happy family all wrapped up with one another.

____
Marjorie Wolfe wishes all of her readers a Happy Thanksgiving. She agrees with Gail Sheehy, who said, "When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking."

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!